So, parents. What “should” tapes play in your head about your kids (or other things)? How do fight them?

Ye gods. How much time do you have?

I "should" play with the kids more. I should NOT let them watch so much TV. I should make sure they're eating more vegetables. I should have Sara potty-trained by now. I should ... Well, most of them involve me being supermom, and subjugating most of the things I want to do to after they're in bed.

It's a "what's best for them" tape, essentially. And it's not me at all. I mean, I've always played with them, but I do let all of them watch too much TV because I can't be "on" for a toddler all day long. I'm not the kind of mother I pictured I would be (which was essentially an uber-earthy, ultrapatient, happy-as-a-clam every minute mother who made homemade playdoh and never let the kids near a TV and had an art project to do with them every day).

I don't know if that's a realistic image for anyone. Some people, maybe. Not me. So I fight that tape by looking at my kids, who are, for the most part, happy, bright, healthy, imaginative, and (usually) well-behaved. I'm NOT fucking them up. I do my best, and part of that is making sure I'm reasonably happy, too, because an unhappy mom is NOT a good thing.

I'm making it sound easier than it is, and anyone who reads my LJ knows that I have issues around this with Jake, who is fifteen. But event here, I'm doing my best to keep his nature in focus.

Where do the "shoulds" come from? Partly from society, but partly from our own natures. I had those ideas about what being a mom would be like when I was, like, twelve, not an adult (although they carried over -- they were just "born" then).

The tapes that play in our heads.

haha (laughing in a bitter, not really funny way) I was going to suggest discussing how much I SUCK! and will never get ahead or get what I want in life because I can't be a grown up about taking care of my finances and I run into the same problems over and over again and I never learn from my mistakes because I'm lazy and kinda dumb and wah wah wah...oh and how I'll be so completely fucked if I have like a medical emergency or I lose my job or something. so there's that...

I think I want to talk about Trudy's boy...

Interesting topic, vw. I was thinking this morning about how despite 10 years or so of therapy I still have the bad tape that runs in my head. The one that goes, "You slept late today. Therefore, you are worthless, have never been good for anything, and will never accomplish anything" for an example. I have many such tapes that play in my head, and sometimes I recognize them, but often I still need someone to point them out to me and tell me they're wrong.

and part of that is making sure I'm reasonably happy, too, because an unhappy mom is NOT a good thing.

I think this is really important. You have to keep track of what makes you happy. And playing the tapes? That doesn't make you happy. At least, that's what I'm finding.

Where do the "shoulds" come from? Partly from society, but partly from our own natures. I had those ideas about what being a mom would be like when I was, like, twelve, not an adult (although they carried over -- they were just "born" then).

Yeah. I have a hard time figuring out where they come from. I'm starting to wonder if there is a nature aspect to them, seeing as my cousin has experienced this at such a high level (like I have). It's hard for me to separate things because of the restrictive culture (fundamental baptist) that I grew up in. There are SO many "shoulds" in that culture. But, like I said, starting to wonder about the nature vs. nurture aspect of it.

Awwwww...{{{lisah}}} Didn't mean you needed to start playing the tape!

But is he good in bed? Does he keep our Trudy satisfied?

Oh, we are still well pre-nookie. Sighhh....

We aren't dating at all. We aren't a couple. We just act like it 99.99999999% of the time.

Didn't mean you needed to start playing the tape!

eh it's been playing all day. Soundtrack is My Tears of Self Pity! bleh...thank god I sit in a sort of protected space. I cannot stop crying today.

lisa, where did you get a copy of one of my tapes? That one sounds so very familiar.

I'm not the kind of mother I pictured I would be (which was essentially an uber-earthy, ultrapatient, happy-as-a-clam every minute mother who made homemade playdoh and never let the kids near a TV and had an art project to do with them every day).

Gods this is me.

When we were in Michigan over the 4th, I kept trying to "Keep up with the Jonses" with my cousin's son, who is just about 2 months older than Em and was really a lot further along than her - colors, speaking in sentences, etc. It really bugged until my sister pointed out a) he's two months older than her and at this age, that's a lot in terms of development and 2) he gets one-on-one time every day with his grandparents, while Em's in daycare. That produced all sorts of guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I "should" be at home teaching her and reading to her and helping her to count and read and do quantum physics. Now, Em's smart as hell. She really is. But trying to measure her against other kids her age is an exercise in futility. She'll learn at her own pace.

I think the "shoulds", at least for me, come from within. I am terrified that anyone who meets us thinks that Em is dumb and I'm a horrible mother. I *know* this isn't the truth, but I feel it because heelo? Issues. But I try really hard not to put that on her.

lisa, where did you get a copy of one of my tapes? That one sounds so very familiar.

I think its on a greatest hits collection I have! There's also No One Will Ever Love Me For Me, I'm Too Fat To Ever Be Considered Attractive, and I Wasted My Twenties And I'm A Failure !

I should figure out how to get her to sleep in her own bed. But I should also bedshare as long as she's comfortable!

I should let her be on her own more, for autonomy. I should wear her at all times, for attachment.

I should wean her. I should nurse her until she indicates she's done.

I feel like the I shoulds in my head are pretty much all in conflict, messages from the mainstream fighting with messages from granola country.

Except for the one where I feel I should provide a more structured routine. I think everyone agrees on that one.

But, well.

Routine is hard.

So that's how he stays so chipper and personable. We should try this coffee stuff on Teppy and Ple.

Hey now! I have official documentation that flat-out states that I'm personable, mister!

Of course, that's from Physical Life, where my bubbly persona masks the bile.