What about?

Just how freakin' cute Nice Boy is?

*crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

The tapes that play in our heads.

OK, I think you may need to upgrade to disc, first of all...

Just how freakin' cute Nice Boy is?

Good idea!

The tapes that play in our heads.

Oh, I have one of those. More than one, actually.

Ok. Discussion time!

AmyLiz’s “bad mommy points” post reminded me of a discussion I had with my cousin on Sunday.

First, a little background. My cousin is four years older than me (34), married, and has three boys (4th grade, 1st grade, and 2-years-old)). Their youngest, A, was born with a club foot. They coddled him a bit (her words, not mine), because he had a rough time…had to wear these fancy shoes, connected with a bar, and still sleeps with these fancy shoes. He crawled late, walked late, etc. He’s pretty much caught up now, and is doing really fabulous. Cute and funny. Love him to pieces.

But, we were talking about things on Sunday, and she said that they really coddled him, and that they could have been better parents. Looking back, she should have been “stronger” and worked harder with him so he didn’t get so behind and so coddled.

I told her that I really think they did the best they could with him. She did what was effective at the time, and he’s thriving now, so she couldn’t have done that badly.

But still, she had expectations, and the impression that others have expectations (she was told things by doctors, friends, etc. that said she should be doing things differently), so she beats herself up about the way they raised A in his early days.

So, parents. What “should” tapes play in your head about your kids (or other things)? How do fight them?

Singles: what “should” tapes play in your head about anything? How do you fight them?

How much do both groups think that these expectations come from themselves? And how much comes from society?

Just how freakin' cute Nice Boy is?

But is he good in bed? Does he keep our Trudy satisfied?

So, parents. What “should” tapes play in your head about your kids (or other things)? How do fight them?

Ye gods. How much time do you have?

I "should" play with the kids more. I should NOT let them watch so much TV. I should make sure they're eating more vegetables. I should have Sara potty-trained by now. I should ... Well, most of them involve me being supermom, and subjugating most of the things I want to do to after they're in bed.

It's a "what's best for them" tape, essentially. And it's not me at all. I mean, I've always played with them, but I do let all of them watch too much TV because I can't be "on" for a toddler all day long. I'm not the kind of mother I pictured I would be (which was essentially an uber-earthy, ultrapatient, happy-as-a-clam every minute mother who made homemade playdoh and never let the kids near a TV and had an art project to do with them every day).

I don't know if that's a realistic image for anyone. Some people, maybe. Not me. So I fight that tape by looking at my kids, who are, for the most part, happy, bright, healthy, imaginative, and (usually) well-behaved. I'm NOT fucking them up. I do my best, and part of that is making sure I'm reasonably happy, too, because an unhappy mom is NOT a good thing.

I'm making it sound easier than it is, and anyone who reads my LJ knows that I have issues around this with Jake, who is fifteen. But event here, I'm doing my best to keep his nature in focus.

Where do the "shoulds" come from? Partly from society, but partly from our own natures. I had those ideas about what being a mom would be like when I was, like, twelve, not an adult (although they carried over -- they were just "born" then).

The tapes that play in our heads.

haha (laughing in a bitter, not really funny way) I was going to suggest discussing how much I SUCK! and will never get ahead or get what I want in life because I can't be a grown up about taking care of my finances and I run into the same problems over and over again and I never learn from my mistakes because I'm lazy and kinda dumb and wah wah wah...oh and how I'll be so completely fucked if I have like a medical emergency or I lose my job or something. so there's that...

I think I want to talk about Trudy's boy...

Interesting topic, vw. I was thinking this morning about how despite 10 years or so of therapy I still have the bad tape that runs in my head. The one that goes, "You slept late today. Therefore, you are worthless, have never been good for anything, and will never accomplish anything" for an example. I have many such tapes that play in my head, and sometimes I recognize them, but often I still need someone to point them out to me and tell me they're wrong.

and part of that is making sure I'm reasonably happy, too, because an unhappy mom is NOT a good thing.

I think this is really important. You have to keep track of what makes you happy. And playing the tapes? That doesn't make you happy. At least, that's what I'm finding.

Where do the "shoulds" come from? Partly from society, but partly from our own natures. I had those ideas about what being a mom would be like when I was, like, twelve, not an adult (although they carried over -- they were just "born" then).

Yeah. I have a hard time figuring out where they come from. I'm starting to wonder if there is a nature aspect to them, seeing as my cousin has experienced this at such a high level (like I have). It's hard for me to separate things because of the restrictive culture (fundamental baptist) that I grew up in. There are SO many "shoulds" in that culture. But, like I said, starting to wonder about the nature vs. nurture aspect of it.

Awwwww...{{{lisah}}} Didn't mean you needed to start playing the tape!

But is he good in bed? Does he keep our Trudy satisfied?

Oh, we are still well pre-nookie. Sighhh....

We aren't dating at all. We aren't a couple. We just act like it 99.99999999% of the time.