1. Deena. Nobody has a name. Okay. But the combination of narrating in first person and then jumping out to the distance of describing "the hand" and "the narrator"... just didn't sit right with me. You didn't place the "I" on me entirely, you kept pulling it back. So I kept being very aware that it's words on a page and that you're deliberately not telling me several things. If that makes any sense.

And the guy she bought the girl from - he thought he was cheated, but didn't try to stop her? Just seems odd, unless our narrator was imposing/dangerous/something.

As everyone's said more eloquently than me, good, clear, consistent voice and descriptions.

Just my opinion.

"There are no new stories. Love. Quest. Revenge. Variations thereof. Pick one."

Don't pick just one, I'd say. Create your own blend. Nothing happens in a vacuum.

Something I'm hoping happens this week away from phones and the net--a week out of time, sort of--is some intensive reading. I'm taking two notebooks, two legal pads (and the laptop), and a whole bagful of books. Not one "how to write" book. Lots of poetry, because I've gotten out of the habit of thinking in poetry. But, as well, some good fiction. And some bad but fun fiction. I plan to go swimming in words, possibly out beyond my depth.

And then we'll see what happens.

Hey Ms. H.; Thanks for your comments.

And the guy she bought the girl from - he thought he was cheated, but didn't try to stop her? Just seems odd, unless our narrator was imposing/dangerous/something.

Here, the implication was supposed to be that his protests were for form's sake more than anything, and that she's been a trader long enough to know the value of the trade. I'll have to look at that. There are some things I *know* so may not have included that I thought were there.

As for the narration, I'm not comfortable changing that. I have a feeling you know far more about what you write than I do, that you're more careful, but, for me, story happens, and that's how it happened. I'll be thinking about it though. I may be able to incorporate what you said into the way I write in the future.

First law of crits: you don't have to do what your critter tells you. :)

Here, the implication was supposed to be that his protests were for form's sake more than anything, and that she's been a trader long enough to know the value of the trade.

Perfectly valid implication. I just didn't have much ground to deduce it from - don't recall it being mentioned anywhere that she knew the girl wasn't worth the asking price (has she dealt in slaves before, aside from being one?), or that accusations of cheating weren't taken seriously in that place/time.

It's the place/time. Or, more specifically, that particular place. I'm going to mull and see what I can do to make that clearer without making it look like I scribbled on calligraphy with a sharpie. I tend to be panicky/heavy-handed with edits.

Well, I gave in and put it up. I have the right to take it down again at any time, so I may as well. And Internet? Fast.

The Best Lack All Conviction: the "Infante's Inferno" Columns and Other Writings

Victor, the page is in favorites and the price is in the budget. I won't be your first purchaser, but I will purchase it.

I just wrote my first-ever explicit sex scene. I think it's more R than NC17, but still. It wasn't really difficult to write, but I have a sneaking suspicion it sucks and I'm the only person in the world who'd think it's sexy.

In a few days I might post it here and/or plead for volunteers to take a look at it. But I think I need to let it, and my brain, rest for a bit first.

I'd be willing, Susan.

I have a sneaking suspicion it sucks

It's porn , girl, it's supposed... oh, wait. :)

I left that one in on purpose after editing out a few accidental single entendres. :)