No! It's a good epiphany! (It's just that sometimes they're so personal they have more of an atom bomblike consequence for the epiphanizee than anyone in the general vicinity.)

Speaking from my own experience as a published writer, I went through something much similar, including weeping fits because I wasn't the best-ever writer at Clarion West. I began to approach writing much more as an art and a craft, and to take joy in the realization that if I work at it the rest of my life, I'll still be improving and finding new aspects of prose and characterization and plot thirty years from now.

(nodding at both theo and Amy)

Exactly. It's a very good epiphany, but don't let it eat your face, and there's no reason to stop writing, and we are not ganging up on you.

Which probably makes me sound horrible and egotistical

Not at all, and I think I do understand where you're coming from. Real life can suck, is the thing. This is why fiction is often better.

I think I sounded pompous before, too, without meaning to -- there are all kinds of great writers out there, writing everything from romance to sci fi to horror to nonfiction, as well as the traditionally lauded Booker Prize et all winners of "serious" fiction. Not all of them are widely known as great writers, though, and many of them get qualified. Lots of people will say Ruth Rendell is a great *mystery* writer, when I think she's just a damn fine writer, no clarification necessary.

But in the end, it's all subjective. One reader's great writer is another's snoozefest, and vice versa. I just try to be happy with what I'm writing, and give myself room to improve, as Theodosia points out.

I began to approach writing much more as an art and a craft, and to take joy in the realization that if I work at it the rest of my life, I'll still be improving and finding new aspects of prose and characterization and plot thirty years from now

This is where I'm at right now. I want to write, but I've left it so late to start. I've taken no writing courses since the basic composition course they forced on me in college almost 20 years ago. It stood me in good stead for term papers and the like, but it's too basic for good creative writing. I see a lot of fiction out there that I say to myself "I could do better." But, really, not. Because I've never taken the time to put any effort into it. I don't have the nuts and bolts of writing. I'm stictly the winging it kind of writer. Now, I want to put just a little more effort into it. See if I can get people to read and to like it, and if not like it to still get some feeling from it. To have evoked a response. To find that commonality of experience that we all share. I have no serious hope of being published, I don't know if I'm that kind of writer. I write to please myself more than anyone else. It's only gravy if it reaches a larger audience. So, yeah, what Theodosia said, but in my longwinded way.

Nodding at Amy and Deb and Theo (and grabbing and running off and making love to "epiphanzee"), and also not with the ganging up, but with the go you! with the epiphany. The interesting thing? It probably won't be your last.

I do think once you get past the shakes this has given you, the writing will be different. Better. Easier in a way, because you'll have (partly) gotten out of your own way.

I have a friend who says to me, "writers write. They don't sell, they don't plan, they don't, or shouldn't have to. They should write." It's too bad that it really isn't true in today's market, because it's the only way to figure out how, you know? To do it. So, another "Yeah, you!" here. And by the way, Happy Birthday!

Sail, I love your LJ posts. Do you have fictional stories you want to tell, or do you just want to write? Because journaling and memoir certainly have a place in today's market, and I think you do that extremely well. I haven't read fiction by you, you might do that just as well. I simply mean that you don't have to write fiction to write.

Damn - I didn't see Amy's post from yesterday.

Short stories, sending, ma'am.

I simply mean that you don't have to write fiction to write.

Oh, no, I know that. I'm very good at non-fiction, at least according to all my college professors. My writing often got me better grades than the research in the paper actually deserved. But, as Susan was quick to note, college is still a small pool compared to the wide world and I don't really know that anyone would be interested in what I have to say. Which I why I pretty much write for myself. It's where I often have tremendous epiphanies through my own writing, where I'm willing to finally expose myself to those thoughts I keep buried out of fear. Starting that live journal was one of the most frightening things I've ever done. Moving into this thread was another personal challenge for me. I figured with the new year it was time to find another path to growth, since my work has me pretty frustrated in moving onward and upward. So, here I am. If I only rest here all year, I'll be happy because I've still expanded my horizons beyond where they were a year ago. As deb noted, it's all about comfort zones.

ETA: I didn't really answer your question, did I? I'd like to write fiction, I just don't know if I'm suited for it. As you said, my metier seems to in the more personal realm. That doesn't mean I can't stretch my wings a little. I think I'm ready to try, because I'm actually considering taking a creative writing class.

OK. Just got the tough love conversation from DH: "You need to lose your sense of arrogance and entitlement. If what you love to write doesn't match the market trends, you're going to have to accept the fact that it might take you a decade or more to sell even if you are really good. Accept it. Live with it."

Probably needed to hear that.

We'll be your cheering section, Sail.

(singing Paul Simon, line from BoTW: "Sail on, silver girl, sail on high, your time has come to shine....)