Steph, I know that feeling.

I think, for those who haven't seen Garden State, and maybe for it to last beyond now, something a little more introductory. Oh, like,

In the movie, Garden State, there's a scene at the end where Andrew and Sam, the main characters of the movie, are sitting in the bathtub where Andrew's mother died. Andrew tells Sam, "When I'm with you I feel safe...like I'm home." That's when I cried.

Maybe the sense of longing people are getting is from the bolded words and from the introduction telling us you cried. Also, there's thwarted desire. You've wanted home, and despite trying, you haven't gotten it. It says restless longing to me, too.

My heart lurched at the end when you said that you didn't measure up in one particular way, but don't tell us what that way is, though you tell us what the problem is, in general, with the other two. I think I'd like to know what that inadequacy is; I think it would give it more punch, though I could be wrong -- it might be the entirely wrong way to go with it. I know how you were wrong isn't the point; but it niggles at me since everything else seemed right.

This line is breathtaking:

My soul was quiet with him.

And I'm sorry, I must have skimmed over it in your LJ, assuming it was about a movie I haven't seen. I try not to read those, assuming there are spoilers and I might get to see it someday.

My heart lurched at the end when you said that you didn't measure up in one particular way, but don't tell us what that way is, though you tell us what the problem is, in general, with the other two. I think I'd like to know what that inadequacy is; I think it would give it more punch, though I could be wrong -- it might be the entirely wrong way to go with it.

My small group said that, too -- what was that one thing I couldn't change? Mostly, I don't know how to say it the way I want, to say it without damning him, or making excuses for him (or for me, for that matter), or coming across as a cliche.

I think I want to add that in, but I don't have the words just yet.

My small group said that, too -- what was that one thing I couldn't change? Mostly, I don't know how to say it the way I want, to say it without damning him, or making excuses for him (or for me, for that matter), or coming across as a cliche.

I'm fairly certain you've told me about this, and actually, I feel it more when it is unstated--the way you have it--Teppy. It's more universal, that way.

(Like everyone else, I saw "Garden State" in your LJ, and figured it was a post about a movie I haven't heard of, never mind seen).

This is a powerful piece.

Cindy said what I was going to say: I don't want it articulated. There's no need for me to have it all. Let me wonder; let me see where my own senses take it.

since I was ultimately inadequate in the one way that I could never, ever, change.

This is so final, and I think human beings like to fix things, or at least be able to say, "it's not so bad"... I'm wondering though, if Cindy's not right. Though it seems like every time I tell someone something that I thought was peculiar to me, it's so common as to be close to universal, and might make it more specific, and details give things weight.

So, if Cindy is right, and it would be better not to be specific, is there a way to word it so the truth of it is just as gut-wrenching, but the specific thing isn't revealed?

"Since I discovered I was ultimately inadequate on the day he walked out the door..." or something like that, some detail of space or place, rather than unacceptable idiosyncracy.

You said you didn't intend to convey longing. Was there an emotion you did intend to convey?

Cindy said what I was going to say: I don't want it articulated. There's no need for me to have it all. Let me wonder; let me see where my own senses take it.

Yes. Also? My speculation is the group thought they were asking about that as writers, but were really asking as readers (they were being nosy, but I don't mean that in an unkind way, it means you grabbed them, Tep).

Teppy, this is where you convey the longing:

I want that, and I haven't felt like that with anyone for a long time. Romantically, I mean, which is a whole different level, a whole different type of feeling like home, than there is with friendship.

But don't take it out.

You asked about the flow and transitions. I think they're fine as is. If I was going to futz with this piece, at all (and I'm not sure you should), I'd lose the bold font (might replace it with italics, I'm not sure), and I might mess around a tiny bit, with the first two paragraphs. The only reason I'm mentioning that, is that so many of us skipped over it, because we thought it was going to be about Garden State.

Maybe instead of:

Only one scene in Garden State made me cry. As the movie is nearing the end, when Andrew and Sam are sitting in the bathtub where his mother died, Andrew tells Sam, "When I'm with you I feel safe...like I'm home."

I want that, and I haven't felt like that with anyone for a long time. Romantically, I mean, which is a whole different level, a whole different type of feeling like home, than there is with friendship. But on this romantic level, there's really only been one person in my life who's been home to me.

It could be along the lines of:

I want something. When I let myself recognize it, it calls to mind [ note: I'm being clunky--I don't have your voice], a scene from Garden State, the only one which made me cry. As the movie is nearing the end, when Andrew and Sam are sitting in the bathtub where his mother died, Andrew tells Sam, "When I'm with you I feel safe...like I'm home."

I want that, and I haven't felt like that with anyone for a long time. Romantically, I mean, which is a whole different level, a whole different type of feeling like home, than there is with friendship. But on this romantic level, there's really only been one person in my life who's been home to me.

That said, I don't think you need to do thing one to this.

(Like everyone else, I saw "Garden State" in your LJ, and figured it was a post about a movie I haven't heard of, never mind seen).

You hadn't even heard of Garden State ? Cindy, you're not sitting well with me this week. But you're still a cutie.

The music in my head during the piece was the music coming out of the computer, "The Perfect Fit" by the Dresden Dolls, and it's ridiculously appropriate.

The word in my head wasn't "longing" but "wistful." It's a great piece, Tep. It flows really well. The only thing that took me out for a second was the use of the phrase "the hell out of it." It felt like a break in the tone.

I may be biased since I've seen and loved the movie, but I don't think you need to change the opening, depending on what you're doing with it. The Garden State reference lasts for all of a sentence, and it's clear by the next paragraph it's about you and not the movie.

Why can't my muse give me a story in order? It's always like a Cordy vision, minus pain and puking, mind you.And I've nsm got an internal Wesley(hmm, that sounds dirty...) to help me connect the dots. What I have is brain damage and tense issues.And a whodunnit overwhelmed with flashbacks and stuff...I tell myself it'll fit together later but maybe not.

P-C, I'm still not sure what the heck Shaun of the Dead is.

We make about two non-kid movies a year, these days, and maybe two kid movies. They're so expensive, and we need a babysitter. Frankly, we'd rather go out to dinner together, than the movies (most of which, imo, are not worth the price of admission). We rent 'em, later. That way, when we invariably fall asleep during them, we can watch the end later, without paying again. *g*

t /shakes cane

P-C, I'm still not sure what the heck Shaun of the Dead is.

It's a romantic comedy. With zombies.