Thanks, Hil! That was very helpful.
We have to see the chimp playing hockey! That's hilarious! The ice is so slippery, and, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!
Anya ,'Bring On The Night'
The Great Write Way
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
Allyson - Sep 09, 2004 8:11:07 pm PDT #6502 of 10001
Wait, is this real-world child support, where the money goes to buy food for the kids, or MRA fantasyland child support where the women just buy Ferraris and cocaine? -Jessica
Hil R. - Sep 09, 2004 8:18:50 pm PDT #6503 of 10001
Sometimes I think I might just move up to Vermont, open a bookstore or a vegan restaurant. Adam Schlesinger, z''l
Thanks, Hil! That was very helpful.
Oh, good. I always feel like I'm going too grammar-psycho when beta-reading.
I liked a lot of the imagery you had in there.
Deena - Sep 10, 2004 5:12:17 am PDT #6504 of 10001
How are you me? You need to stop that. Only I can be me. ~Kara
It's neat to see all this energy over Allyson's essays.
It took me a bit, but here are my bells.
-----
Canned bells ring out from a little church in a little town where life is sweet (except for weeds creeping up to buckle the sidewalks, drugs, teen pregnancy and the deaths of children playing with guns).
Bells ring for weddings, great white frosted things with laughing 22 year-old tin-can driving college-graduates who will have 2.5 children and live happily ever after. (Or not.)
Bells don’t ring for me. Father O’Malley won’t tilt his head (to let me know the catch in my breath, this presentiment of doom, is unnecessary), and wink to say everything is well; God watches over all.
deborah grabien - Sep 10, 2004 6:53:58 am PDT #6505 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Oh, Deena. That one's a stinger.
Pix - Sep 10, 2004 8:11:13 am PDT #6506 of 10001
The status is NOT quo.
Allyson, backflung.
Like Deb, may be too much feedback. Please let me know.
Also, my Word sometimes doesn't seem to translate all of the "track changes" and highlights and such, so I sent it both as a Word doc and as an html doc, just in case.
Allyson - Sep 10, 2004 8:18:51 am PDT #6507 of 10001
Wait, is this real-world child support, where the money goes to buy food for the kids, or MRA fantasyland child support where the women just buy Ferraris and cocaine? -Jessica
Given the feedback, the piece seems to be a "no go."
Back to drawing board.
Beverly - Sep 10, 2004 8:21:27 am PDT #6508 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
?? I must not have read the same piece everybody else did.
Polter-Cow - Sep 10, 2004 8:23:26 am PDT #6509 of 10001
What else besides ramen can you scoop? YOU CAN SCOOP THIS WORLD FROM DARKNESS!
Given the feedback, the piece seems to be a "no go."
The hell? Everyone else must have been REALLY MEAN. Or something. No, really, I'm confused. I thought it was better than the cat one. Hmmm.
Ginger - Sep 10, 2004 8:23:37 am PDT #6510 of 10001
"It didn't taste good. It tasted soooo horrible. It tasted like....a vodka martini." - Matilda
Bells
There should be bells. Bells ringing from every church tower. Ancient air raid sirens dusted off and set to wailing from every courthouse. In the smallest towns, the pastors, awakened by the distant cacophony, should hurry in their robes and slippers to start the bells ringing. People should run from house to house, pounding on doors, their hoarse cries echoing. Children should wake from nightmares and refuse to be comforted. Babies should cry for no reason. There should be summer lightning and the sound of hoof beats. There is only silence and flickering screens and a shiver in the dark.
Pix - Sep 10, 2004 8:24:13 am PDT #6511 of 10001
The status is NOT quo.
Allyson, absolutely not what my feedback was indicating at all. I'm sorry if it came across that way. The heart of the piece is excellent. Like everything I've ever written, it just might need some tweaking.
I said this in my email to you, but I think it's important to state here too: your personality crackles out of this piece and makes the reader want to know you, not just Tim.
You may be too close to it right now. Maybe take a day or two and get some breathing room, and come back to it fresh. I find that that makes it easier to see what's great about a piece and what could be done to make it better.