Some damned good catches in there, largely stuff I was already going to do (first chunk) for tightening. There are a couple of places where you've highlighted, but without commentary. What bothered you about One Day Only! (which, entre nous, is the in-joke of the whole story), or about her baby brother on the end of his leash? That can't be too unusual a sight in American cities these days; leading strings are the best way on earth to keep an active toddler from disappearing.
edit: Ah! In some places the comment box is at the end of the track-change, but in others, at the beginning.
And just for you? I'll remove seemingly. I like it, but not strongly.
One Day Only! (which, entre nous, is the in-joke of the whole story)
Hee hee.
or about her baby brother on the end of his leash? That can't be too unusual a sight in American cities these days; leading strings are the best way on earth to keep an active toddler from disappearing.
See! I told you it was weird!
The comment on the "One Day Only" at the beginning I highlighted because you said on page six: "Virginia, her eye drawn,
noticed some fine print,
tucked down near the lower edge: Limited Engagement! One Day Only!"
I highlighted the page two reference because you imply on page six that she
hadn't
noticed it yet.
The note you were missing from the child on the leash thing just said that I thought it was a nice touch.
ETA: Oops! Posted before I saw your revised post.
P-C, nope - turns out Kristin loves that phrase.
BWAH! Timing.
Kristin, excellent excellent edits. I have to go deliver a food gift, but I think I'm going to finish this thing tonight. When I do? I'll send it along, and to anyone else who wants to read the whole thing.
I'm thrilled they were helpful!
I can't wait to see the final story. Please do send it along.
ETA: P-C, the reason I liked the mention of the leashed child in this story is that I thought it played well into a feeling of being trapped or led around that is prevalent throughout the rest of Deb's piece. Also worked on the level that the mother is a tad controlling and feels a need to hold tightly to her children and to the idea of family. Even if that wasn't your intent, Deb, that was why I commented.
ION, I must figure out my lesson plan tomorrow for my juniors STAT.
Oh, I didn't not like the leashed child. It just conjured up doggie images for me, since I wasn't used to seeing children on leashes, which, apparently, Deb is. I'm all cool with the metaphorical implications and whatnot.
(loving this conversation muchly)
(eating Mexican food)
(checking messages before trying to FINISH THE FUCKING STORY)
Kristin, sj, P-C, anyone who's been beta-reading, I've just written the big penultimate scene and I have to go out and a NEED A BETA.
