Holli, it's a strong piece, very strong. If there's something missing - and I'm not certain there is - it may be in the turn of phrase in one or two places, a sense that the narrator is an observor only. That may make it feel a bit chilly, but chill, in this instance, is no bad thing - you're talking about youth, and youth's tendency is not so much to distance, as it is to dramatise. So the detachment here, of the narrator for the subject, is jarring, but I think in interesting ways.

A couple of mechanical notes:

"conplained" - complained. But actually, I'd lose that entire line, to preserve the continuity of thought here: "I knew her from the literary magazine, which she had joined that year, and I can’t say I liked her. Mostly I thought of her as pretentious, and a mediocre writer besides. I remember thinking, that night, that if she had told my friend this story, (add a comma there) she was a better writer than I thought."

I think the story, as told, certainly comes right down to its point: death is the irrefutable fact, and the only mystery is in how we get there.

What did you feel was missing?

(Just realised how editorial I sounded...)

edit: and damn, out the door in ten minutes for writers group. I'm hoping to see all sorts of commentary on this one when I get back.

Deb, thank you! Editorial's exactly what I need.

I was thinking I needed a better transition to the second version of the story, and from that to the conclusion. The mystery is what I mean by "better," and how on earth to write it. It's problematic.

Got it. I love the fact that you're going less for blind emotion on this one than for clarity - because I live in the headspace and heartspace that tends to define the eternal verities as things we spend our lives hunting for clarity about.

I need to be out the door in about ten minutes (writers group, and for once, I'm not hosting, so I need to go there, and it's over in the Castro) - but may I look this one over again, and let my head nibble around its edges, and ping you later? I'll try to check AIM when I get home.

Definitely. I'll be on IM.

It may be lateish. I'll check in when I get home; if you're up, we can seesaw. Meanwhile? Smoochies, bebe. It's a damned good piece of work, and any alterations, additions or subtractions are likely to be minimal and cosmetic.

Huh. I thought the repetition was deliberate: as in, awkward teenager, think again, awkward teenager. I thought it was there to smack home the "fishnet tights" line.

Do you think the repetition works?

Holli, that is an amazing story. Very powerful.

sj, I thought it worked fine. But if you had a different intent, it would probably work just as well with that - it comes down, in the end, to where the author wants to take it.

edit: and how did I miss this?

"And I guess I'll just wallow in self-pity now." (/Pissy!Munchkin) :)

Oh, you so will NOT, madam. Don't I praise your meatloaf and bake you lemon bread? Huh?

Huh. *Finally* got my damned AIM up, and Holli, I think I missed you. Let's try again in the morning or tomorrow night.

Thanks, Kristin, erika, and especially deb. It's funny that you used the word "instinctive" - I more often than not find myself being criticized for filtering things too much, thus mostly preventing myself from doing things instinctively.

Oh, and I think that the biggest advantage for me, when reading in not-my-first-language-English, in which I need to actually read, as opposed to Hebrew, in which it's a completely automatic process and if anything I have to stop myself from reading, is that I have to pay more attention in order to follow the words and their meaning, and this way I can discover things that would escape me in Hebrew. Either that, or I'm just reaching to find something good about reading slower, and therefore less.

Holli, I really liked your piece. Something I don't think anybody has mentioned before - I loved the contrast in the images that were build in my mind, of the two "backgrounds", in the lack of a better word, for each story. You being alone in a cool basement for the first one, you being with your friends and the description of your costumes, in the other. I especially liked this:

shook my head and set my antennae wobbling, and wished that I had known Peter so I could know which story to believe.

because of that contrast, the sweet costume and the death, being together in one sentence. I don't know why, but it made the point of the finality of death even stronger, for me.

I have found the writing book i've been looking for. "I'd Rather Be Writing", by Marcia Golub, from Writer's Digest Books. It talks about self-defeating behaviors, coping with a family who think they have a right to your time, and stuff like that.

This woman is me! She's saving her manual typewriter for when the comet hits, and when her parents died she found herself taking mental notes for use later. Now I just need to stop squriming when she says something that I don't want to do.