What looks normal isn't, get it!

Well, but that's the basic premise of the whole story. It's not a useless epiphany - it's all in the execution whether you can get that across. You just don't want it too pat.

Well, right, exactly.

Well, right, exactly.

Okay, now that we've agreed that pat anvilly epiphanies are poor literature, what do you want to do with the story?

What can make it better?

Sometimes you can't just rework the ending, you need to go back through the story and see what you can do to lead the story to a more interesting place. If you just focus on the ending you'll get frustrated because you don't have enough options.

Things that make it less anvilly might include going back and building up the parallels between the girl and the main character so there's more payoff with the epiphany. Making either of the characters more complex/ambiguous themselves. For example, the girl could be voicing a real complaint and also be self-involved or unsympathetic.

I dunno - kind of depends on the rest of the story (which I haven't seen) and what you want to do with it.

Well, do you want to? Read the rest of it? This is an honest question, not a command-as-question.

Yay. Found my problem. Not all of it maybe, but...the original for this story was on a computer that is pining for the fjords.A few months later, on new PC, I get new idea, write it in, attempting to copy original because with typical lack of respect for own efforts, did not back up work, so there is at least one missing scene. Which, because I have lived with this so long, does not appear to be missing any longer AFAIC, but will affect readers that don't live in my brain.You know,because it leads to a bigger audience in the long run.Thank you so much, Hec. Because looking at your own work for yourself doesn't always work.Asking you helped me see what was really on the page, not what I was thinking of writing. Half the movies that don't make sense probably have that problem.

I find it easier to judge the ending of something I've read the start and middle of- so I'd say yeah, hit us with all of it.

But currently, it is eleven pages long. Truly, that's cruel and unusual punishment somewhere, isn't it?

It may be so. Eleven pages is a lot for a post, and I can't say 'e-mail me', really, becuase I don't have time for more than I've already taken on, editing-wise. Um... a good, detailed summary, with quotes? Just writing it might help you see the plot in a different light.

OK. Will have to balance what the psychologists call "attention seeking behavior" with need for a good critic. Difficult but possible, right?

Just so long as you don't start shoplifting.