All the little hairs on the back of my neck and my arms just stood up to attention. Damn, Deena.
Police procedure has changed since I was little.
Wash ,'The Message'
The Great Write Way
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
Beverly - Jul 21, 2003 11:55:27 am PDT #1727 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
deborah grabien - Jul 21, 2003 12:07:36 pm PDT #1728 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Deena, that was gorgeous.
Two things, both mechanical:
she thinks to herself
She can't think to anyone but herself. "to herself" is redundant; too much information, and not needed. "she thinks" is fine without the tail.
denim shorts skip touch against her thighs, before passing on to rattle the dry grasses beyond; water and sand darker where they touch
Use of the word "touch" twice, very close together. Also - skip touch?
Deena - Jul 21, 2003 12:38:26 pm PDT #1729 of 10001
How are you me? You need to stop that. Only I can be me. ~Kara
I'm guessing that's good, Beverly. I like the reaction anyway. Makes me feel evil.
Deb, thank you. I dropped the "to herself" and changed the second touch to meet. I was trying to describe that feeling on the skin when you're wearing ragged denim shorts with strands that move against your skin with the wind... skip touch seemed to work in my head, mostly for the rhythm/feel in my mouth. Would skip-touch be better?
deborah grabien - Jul 21, 2003 1:50:06 pm PDT #1730 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Yup - the hyphen was what I thought you meant. But I couldn't be certain there wasn't a word you'd wanted in there that had got left out.
It's an extremely powerful piece, it is.
Deena - Jul 21, 2003 4:32:23 pm PDT #1731 of 10001
How are you me? You need to stop that. Only I can be me. ~Kara
Thanks, Deb. It feels good.
Beverly - Jul 21, 2003 5:33:52 pm PDT #1732 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
Yes, it was a good reaction. Very visceral, didn't have to think it through, just rode your words and images. Powerful is right.
Deena - Jul 21, 2003 5:36:27 pm PDT #1733 of 10001
How are you me? You need to stop that. Only I can be me. ~Kara
I feel like I've finally broken a barrier that was holding me back. Thanks, Bev and Deb.
sj - Jul 22, 2003 12:01:32 am PDT #1734 of 10001
"There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea."
Deena, that is wonderful. Such sensual language.
Deena - Jul 22, 2003 5:28:17 am PDT #1735 of 10001
How are you me? You need to stop that. Only I can be me. ~Kara
Thank you, sj!
Susan W. - Jul 22, 2003 6:57:31 am PDT #1736 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights
Wow, Deena. Very evocative.