How does something big enough to have moons not qualify as a planet?

From The Onion:

Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

WASHINGTON, DC—Over 87 percent of Americans are unprepared to protect themselves from even the most basic world-ending scenarios, according to a study released Monday by the nonpartisan doomsday think-tank The Malthusian Institute.

Despite "more than ample warning" for the most likely means of worldwide destruction, less than one million American households have taken even the simplest precautions against nuclear shockwaves, asteroid impact, or a host of angels bearing swords of fire, the study concluded.

Millions remain vulnerable to the all-devouring terror of Jesus' wrath (file photo).

"Our survey of households in seven U. S. regions demonstrated that few citizens have bothered to equip themselves with fireproof suits and extinguishers to deal with volcanic upheaval, solar flares, or the Lord's purifying flame," Malthusian Institute director James Olheiser said. "Almost no one is prepared for a sudden shift in the Earth's polarity or the eating of the Sun and moon by evil wolves Skol and Hati during Ragnarok."

...

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff sharply disagreed with the report's findings.

"This study is inaccurate and misleading," Chertoff told reporters on Tuesday. "Americans are a resilient, can-do people. We are more prepared than ever to survive a gigantic tsunami, a major gravitational disruption, or any other heretofore non-prophesied calamity."

Chertoff added: "As for Armageddon borne out of God's heavenly wrath, I can say with assurance that this nation has never seen a presidential administration that has given more thought to this very scenario."

If they made cowbell noises instead of beeping, I bet they'd get attended to faster.

And if the cowbell was a low enough note, it wouldn't even give me a headache while doing it! Everybody wins!

For mountain biking fans

Inspectors Bike Inside Mountain to Check Water Supply Safety

[link]

Bicycling through a water tunnel.

If they find more moons, will they be named Dyslexia and Dyscalculia?

Dyspepsia.

Hopefully not Dysentery.

Dysrythmia, though, I could get behind.

How does something big enough to have moons not qualify as a planet?

Because there's no "big enough" -- under the right circumstances just about anything can have satellites. Our moon could have its own sub-satellites. It'd still be a moon, because it's not orbiting a star.

under the right circumstances just about anything can have satellites.

That's true.

Now I'm wondering - if I was floating in space and there was a marble that was orbiting me at, say, five feet away - how long would it take for one orbit?

Now I'm wondering - if I was floating in space and there was a marble that was orbiting me at, say, five feet away - how long would it take for one orbit?

I used to be able to do the math for this, but all you need to do is figure out how fast it would need to orbit you so as to never either crash into you or go flying away into space. Once you have the velocity, you can easily figure out your moon's orbital period.

DX would probably know.

Also, I'm all excited, because I just realized that tonight is the start of the new Survivor, followed by a two hour rebroadcast of last season's CSI ending, which means next week is new CSI.

Tonight is the new Survivor?! Damn it. We changed our writing group to Thursdays, which was good when it meant I wouldn't miss Project Runway, but now I'll miss Survivor.

I really have to get Tivo.