Weird Al Has released his latest single... Don't Download This Song.

Hearts Calli.

Hearts and worries about and is proud of P-C.

You can print that out and send it to your mom, Polter. I don't s'pose it will actually help. But you can if you want to.

Also, there is this:

Dear Mrs. Cow:

You should be bloody f*ing proud of your son, Polter. He is a fine, upstanding citizen of this strangely spinning planet we inhabit. He hardly ever breaks any laws that I know of, doesn't do drugs he shouldn't, and rarely engages in road rage. That alone is pretty damned fine, so cheer up, because there is more in his favor. He is currently employed in honest labor. Even better, it is somewhat above the level of burger-flipping and toilet-cleaning. Any honest labor, even the most menial is valuable part of making society work, so even when we aren't working at the highest status jobs we are making a contribution. The fact that your son is working at a job which takes far more skill, and is doing so to the satisfaction of his employers (as shown by the good things they say to him) is yet another layer of good on top of the other goodnesses. You seem less than pleased with his academic career, and this makes me intensely sad for you. Polter's accomplishements make me fucking sick with envy: if it weren't for the veneer of civilization beaten down on my head, I'd have killed him and taken his sheep-skins ages ago.

I keep a list, Mrs. Cow. It's a list of people who need to be deaded, people I would cheerfully swing for if I could just take them out with me - child molesters, mostly. You are this -}{- close to getting put on it. So please, for the sake of my exploding eye-balls and rising blood pressure, start saying kind, encouraging things to P-C. If you aren't sure where to begin, try watching a few episodes of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, then start asking yourself, 'What would Mr. Rogers say?"

WWMRS, Mrs. Cow, WWMRS?

Sincerely Windy

Or is that going a bit too far?

You're in an excellent position with your job and in demand.

I mean, I understand her qualms, but:

A) They seriously like me here for whatever reason.
B) My boss actually told me I had "job security" because there was so much for me to do.
C) One of the higher-ups specifically called to reassure me that the fact that it was taking so long to make me full-time was not an indication that they didn't want me.
D) This position was basically created for me, so there's no budget for it, which is why it needs to be approved by Even Higher-Ups.
E) Um, I like it here.

{{{Windy}}} You're too sweet.

I like to start with good news. Love!

P-C, great start. And it is hard standing up for yourself as an adult to a parent. Take it one day at a time and persevere. Eventually, she will realize that you do love her despite the fact you don't jump to her every whim.

{{Tom}} Sorry to hear you're having a bad time. Hang out with us and we can hold hands and offer shoulders. Then we can make out.

Speaking of making out, I made out with a Caucasian she-devil Friday night. Don't tell my mom.

Whoohoo, P-C! Hone those making out skillz. You must be learning a lot, she-devils and all.

P-C, I met a nice girl from Stanford at my friend's Indian wedding last week but she is from the wrong state in India. Sorry.

She and I were all set for the two of you to launch a fake romance to shut up both your and her parents.

That would be a great website. Instead of DesiDate you could go to DesiFake for the explicit purpose of shutting up parents.

((((P-C)))) Good for you standing up for yourself!

Or is that going a bit too far?

The second paragraph, maybe. Mrs. C hasn't yet realized that once the kids are grown up and supporting themselves -- as P-C will be doing in the very, very near future -- the parent-offspring power dynamic changes markedly. Very markedly.

That would be a great website. Instead of DesiDate you could go to DesiFake for the explicit purpose of shutting up parents.

There's also the hydrogen bomb of shutting up parents like the C's -- "Thank you for setting me up, Parents, but I've already found Mr. Right."

{{{P-C}}} Good for you.

It seems a friend from high school started a beer company in the Virgin Islands. Here is an article about it if anyone is interested.

P-C, I'm sorry your mom is so negative with you. I'm proud of your response to her. In time, you'll both get used to it.

Now, which Caucasian she-devil is this--is it the friend from before, or a whole new girl?