you shouldn't feel guilty about an allergy, for goodness sake! And if we ever do a DCista event and it's a problem, I'm going to take it personally if you suffer in silence. I have a mind like a sieve and will forget, so you'd have to remind me. I think that we all know that I'd have no problem speaking up and getting us moved or whatever.

I really appreciate that. I generally try to let folks know in advance, never assuming that someone would remember such a thing. And I just generally take care of myself. I don't think anyone should have to accommodate for my genetic weakness...so to speak.

The embarrasing part is that, when no one else experiences something in the same way (explosive coughing that nearly knocks me down), there is a big "I don't get it" factor. People assume that you should just be able to cope. "There are no smokers here now" assumes that the particulates disappear when you can't see the smoke. Sadly no. One client and I had to part sad ways because the smoke in her lungs caused me to cough when she exhaled across my office from my chair.

On the other hand? If you've got a gas leak, I'm your canary! Mixed blessing, I guess.

And yeah, Raq, Fela got big points for being considerat and for rolling with the reality. Later that evening, we were walking up a street in Arlington, arm in arm. We suddenly veered into the street (no traffic) and calmly, but quickly cruised to the other side.

He had seen a glowing cigarette end about 75 feet in front of us and swerved to avoid the fallout. He didn't say a word about it until later when I asked what was up with the merry street crossing.

What a guy.

he hasn't returned her call until he makes actual contact with her.

I haven't made actual contact with her unless I call her. Her calling me doesn't count in the "call every two or three days" category.

He had seen a glowing cigarette end about 75 feet in front of us and swerved to avoid the fallout. He didn't say a word about it until later when I asked what was up with the merry street crossing.

What a guy.

Yay. I like him.

I think they've singled out P-C for this abuse because they can tell he's different, not like them, and Most Likely To Fall Far From The Tree.

I think Raq called it. I think it will also be much easier to deal with when you're out on your own.

"You tell me if you do," she said. "And she should be Gujarati. Please don't pick a white or black or anything. They never work out."

Ok, is it me, or does this actually sound like a softening in your mother's viewpoint. She's at least acknowledging that you may in fact make a choice.

just tell everyone you are saving money so you can support a family someday.

I can see how this might not work for P-C, but it's brilliant!

he bigger earful I get when I finally talk to them.

sure, but you can get off the phone because the doorbell rings , something is burning on the stove or you battery dies. or my favorite - ask a question that you don't really care about the answer- hey mom, I was just about to go out to the grocery store - do you think I sould get bonless chicken thighs, or boneless breast - thighs are so much cheaper, but breast seem more versitale to me - or what ever will get her talking about something other than you

there are stratagies - you just have to choose to use them .

He talked her her a few days later, and she asked why he didn't call her back. He said he had returned her call, and left a message, and asked if she'd received it. She had, but apparently (and this is from him; his mother didn't say these words, she just otherwise made it clear), he hasn't returned her call until he makes actual contact with her.

For what it's worth, they're Italian-American and have been in the country for a few generations, and are pretty damned assimilated. So, you know, family is crazy.

My mother is like that. If she calls, I'll call her back. If she's not there, I leave a message. She would say "I called you, why didn't you call me back?" I would say "I did. I left a message on Tuesday" and she would say "well, why didn't you keep calling until you talked to me?" I said "because _you_ wanted to talk to me. I'm not going to keep calling you because you want to tell me something" She was pissed, but I stuck to my guns.

P-C, you could also start talking to her about [insert something very personal that may involve burning sensations], then again that could backfire and make her call you more.

Beth's got it right. You have to figure out what strategies will work and then implement them. "Sorry mom - gotta go. The store/library/porn shoppe is closing a half hour."

P-C, you can tell your mom that not all whites have different views, because your family sounds EXACTLY like my white Southern Presbyterian family. Right down to the mixed messages about money and the innocent miscommunications for which you and only you must humbly apologize. I was the family black sheep, too. At least in this generation. It sucks.

Honestly, it will be easier when you have your own place.

I had my own place for two years before I moved here.

But you were in school then. And wasn't your family financially supporting you through school (even partially)?

When you're totally financially independent, and living in your own place, it's going to be different.

Ok, is it me, or does this actually sound like a softening in your mother's viewpoint. She's at least acknowledging that you may in fact make a choice.

Oh, she's been saying that for about a year now, I think. I don't recall when that business actually entered the picture, but it's not new.

She would say "I called you, why didn't you call me back?" I would say "I did. I left a message on Tuesday" and she would say "well, why didn't you keep calling until you talked to me?" I said "because _you_ wanted to talk to me. I'm not going to keep calling you because you want to tell me something" She was pissed, but I stuck to my guns.

Oh, rock on. I don't even bother leaving messages because, what's the point? I show up as a missed call. That's all the evidence that matters. And it doesn't matter anyway. My mom, on the other hand, leaves message after message if I don't call back, as if I care.

But you were in school then. And wasn't your family financially supporting you through school (even partially)?

I was in school for one of those years (well, two, but the first year, I had a roommate), and the other close-to-a-year, I was living off my savings and, come September, meager paycheck, which were mine and utterly mine. I've been basically financially independent since I went off to grad school and started getting a stipend and paying my own rent. Any time my dad asked me if I needed money, I said I was fine, which didn't stop him from giving me some cash any time I visited home. But I never asked for money because I honestly didn't need it. The last semester of grad school, I had to take out a loan, and my dad covered the unsubsidized portion, and I've been paying back the subsidized portion. When I accrue a few thousand dollars extra, I would like to attempt to pay my dad back, even though I know he won't accept it.

But Steph, this is a conversation that occurred in late 2003, my first semester of grad school, to give you a sense of...things:

My little sister was admiring my cell phone.

"Who pays for your cell phone?" she asked.

"I do," I said.

"Me," said my mom.

"What?!"

"Don't the bills come to me?"

"No, the bills come to me, and I pay them." Her name was on the bill because her credit card was approved when she bought me the phone, but she fucking knew the bills came to me.

"Where do you get the money?" asked my sister.

"School," I said.

"Well, Daddy, right now," said my mom.

"What?!" I said. "The school pays me, I'm making money!"

It boggled my mind because both her responses were flat-out lies.