I'm reluctant to comment on the status of other people's sanity for reasons I hope are not overly obvious.

P-C, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. Good for you, for going all calm on her in the second conversation. Any time you can detach like that, work it, baby. There are too many control issues swirling around, here. It also reads as though your mom is taking any less-than-perfect-to-your-uncle interaction you have with your uncle's family as a personal afront to her mothering.

There's got to be some sexism inherent in Indian family culture, right? Assuming there is, make it work for you. Maybe you could ask your uncle if, when you have done something displeasing to him or his family, if he could be the one to talk it out with you, and if you could leave 'the women' out of it, and talk 'man-to-man'. Appeal to his inner patriarchal overlord.

HA!

Caped Crusader Stops Thief

Jilli and Pete, congratulations on the new kitties! Pete can loom (adorably) to keep them in line. (And Ruthven is pronounced "Rivven" right? from the "Verney the Vampire"?)

P-C, if it's any consolation, when I moved out after college (I was 22) my mother threatened that, if I didn't call home at least once a week, she'd report me as a runaway and have me hauled back. She also held most of my stuff hostage to try to force me to go back. Time passed, I got more mature, she got used to me being away, and the relationship is better now. Your mother sounds even more extreme than mine, but things may improve over time. Meanwhile, come here to vent.

edited when the title came to me

in a less self indulgent whiny post:

Beth, much ~ma for your friend.

PC, go you with the rational discussion with family peeps.

amych, I am still thinking of your family and Lucy.

P-C, I agree with a lot of what's been said above. But it's been said, so I won't repeat it.

Observations -- your mother has expressed concern that you'll reject your family. Yet she herself is the biggest threat in that area.

One possible way to phrase your message may be: You're doing your best. But you're human. You make mistakes. Your mother's treatment of you is hurting you deeply.

Another option to consider for after your July 4th trip -- is there anyone else in your family that you can contact separately? For example, does your father (or a sibling) have a separate e-mail address? That might be a way to keep in contact with your family without dealing with your mother.

Later, I engaged in the wonderful therapy that is turning the radio way the hell up and singing your lungs out while driving.

This is good. Personal therapy mechanisms are important.

Maybe you could ask your uncle if, when you have done something displeasing to him or his family, if he could be the one to talk it out with you

I agree with this. Either ju-jitsu the sexist angle, or point out that you (and not your mother) is the one who can correct any problems, or point out that your mother's reaction doesn't help things.

{{P-C}} I have a sudden urge to call my mother and thank her for not being overly spastic.

Mucho ~ma for beth's friend and his family.

And Nora... packs duffel bag with sunshine, naps, and sticks to poke the BIDs with, ships eastward

I think car stereos were invented to help deal with parents.

Is it bad of me that I saw this [link] and thought "a sexy Templar costume? WTF?" rather than making the World Cup connection?

Hee. The outfit is cute Raq.

{{P-C}} You get the good advice here. I like the man to man stuff. Then again I may be watching too many beer commercials during the NBA games.

Beth, much peace and strength to your dear friend.

On the contrary, my dearest Bev, whenever I own wristwatches with a metal band, I find that, with daily wearing, the underside of the watchband becomes *severely* corroded in about 3-4 months. Also, bugs never bite me.

Dude! Sugar would totally do that!

Sugar would make bugs *not* bite me? I would think it would be the other way around.

P-C, I'm glad you had the Mom Epiphany. You'll very likely have to deal with her brand of Crazy for many many many years, though, so all I can say (as someone with Crazy Mommy Issues myself) is you need to convince *yourself* as much as her (maybe more so) that you *are* an adult, you *are* self-supporting, and -- cultural issues aside (i.e., arranged marriage) -- you therefore are the only person who gets to be the boss of you.

Your mom is allowed to have opinions about how you should run your life, but she doesn't get to actually *make* those decisions for you. It's one thing to know that intellectually, but I think you need to really *feel* it, because that will help you stand your ground and stay calm(ish) when she goes on a Crazy Mom Tirade.