A former roomie pulled a practical joke having the friend he was supposed to be visiting for a weekend call me and our mutual roommate to ask why he hadn't shown up hours before as expected. Leading us to believe he'd had a car breakdown or accident on the way there. Did I mention this happened during the first-run broadcast of the Star Trek: Next Generation series finale? The missing roomie called just before we were ready to notify the highway patrol, put out that we'd upset his mother and other friends in the area when we tried to determine if he'd made an unplanned side trip.

Third roomie just barely talked me down from moving all the guy's stuff out of the apartment in his absence and giving it away to Goodwill.

When I was in college, I got fed up with being the news editor of the college paper and quit in fairly dramatic fashion. My suitemate, the A&E editor, encouraged me the whole time, even reading my bridge-burning email before I sent it and talking me out of any doubts.

She then

• refused to take my side in a meeting with the Dean
• started talking about me behind my back to everyone I didn't know, about what a horrible person I was and how I tried to ruin the paper
• encouraged me and my co-editor to come back to the paper, and then sabotaged our application for EIC once it had been accepted, forcing the offer to be retracted
• printed an enemies list in the newspaper with my name on it while I was out of the country
• requested that I bring her things from abroad
• pretended to be my friend even after I learned of all of this

As for the revenge, I used to have a list. Now, NSM.

There are other people who bother me more than the person I cited, who turn my stomach, but I don't honestly wish vengeance on any of them. Some have made their own chilly beds, and others...it's so terribly not worth it.

Dumped by girlfriend (who worked at the next desk over) who then moved in with my best friend.

The nastiest, most misguided prank ever attempted on me was by my landlady, who got a coworker to call me at work on my fortieth birthday to tell me that she (coworker) had seen me coaching soccer, and was interested in meeting me for a drink sometime. I didn't completely fall for it, because a)that had never ever happened to me before or since, and b)it was just too coincidental being my birthday and all, but it left me very confused. Apparently my annoyance was obvious to the coworker, because my landlady called not long after to apologize. Worst misfire she ever tried on me.

Was your landlady twelve?

There are other people who bother me more than the person I cited, who turn my stomach, but I don't honestly wish vengeance on any of them.

Yeah, see.... I don't really wish vengeance on the idiot with no business sense who threw a lighter at my head, other than going out of business, and never succeeding in any other business.

I'm just having a hard time thinking of people who've given affront to me personally, upon whom I'd wish vengeance. Lighter-Flinger was all I could think of.

Still, man that guy had crappy business relations skills.

Did you keep the lighter, Sean?

Wow. billytea's ex-in-laws are way worse than the crazy roommate who stopped speaking to me because his friends told him I was telling them stories about him that were "character assassination." Granted, I *did* tell them stories about how anal he was about where the paper towels had to go, and the ugly painting he insisted go over the fireplace, etc. -- but not "character assassination."

Did I say the roommate stopped speaking to me? He did, in the sense of literally not vocalizing, but he still communicated in other ways. Like, we had alphabet magnets on the fridge, and every morning I'd get up and shuffle out to the kitchen for breakfast and find a message cleverly hidden among the jumble of letters, as if the random arrangement just happened to, that day, contain letters in this order: S-T-E-P-H-C-U-N-T.

I'd have to leave notes for him informing him that the phone bill (or whatever) was due, and I needed his half. He'd leave me notes back saying "Well, I *need* a roommate who isn't a backstabbing bitch, but I'm not going to get that, so don't hold your breath waiting for me to pay the phone bill!"

He'd come home at 3 a.m. and blast the stereo, and yell outside my bedroom door. And then his boyfriend told me that if Roommate and I ever had an argument, that I should be sure to stay outside of arm's length, because Roommate is physically violent. (Which wasn't an exaggeration; Roommate apparently -- long after I lived with him -- put his boyfriend in the hospital with broken ribs.)

The possibility of physical violence made me decide to move out unannounced, and break our lease with the rental company. Because both of our names were on the lease, we both had to pay a lease-breaking fee. Obviously this wasn't something we had worked out together, as he was communicating only through alphabet magnets. I showed the nasty phone-bill note and other similar communications to the rental manager, and the best they could do was allow me to pay half of the lease-breaking fee by myself, and they'd go after Roommate on their own.

Roommate wasn't too happy with me moving out, and let me know it. There were the voicemails he left me at work, where he promised to -- and I quote -- "make my life a living hell." (Though it's not too smart to leave voice mails at your stalkee's place of business.)

Did I say "stalkee"? Right. He also sent me e-mails (many from his work e-mail, which is, again, not too bright) where he detailed how he wouldn't leave me alone until I paid him his half of the lease-breaking fee. He'd join my gym, he said, and show up there every time I was there. He'd find out where I was living, he said, and sit outside in his car. Etc., etc.

It was -- and I'm not exaggerating -- the worst time in my life. He had been one of my best friends before the Big Freakout.

Was your landlady twelve?

"Do you like me Yes or No? (check one)"

______Yes
______ No