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And when they first meet, it's not him, the way she had known, that she's already in love with, who stands in front of her. That person, the one she had known as a girl, is a person he one day will become, but not yet. She will even be a help in his way of solving - well, at least some - of his problems with himself and the world around him. She will therefore be important in his way of becoming the clever, gentle man she fell in love with. Her faith in the possibility of his change is what makes it all possible - she knows that he's going to get there, because she saw him like that already, so she doesn't give up, and her lack of giving up - even more than the actual attempts - how she doesn't abandon him, is what makes him get through and become that.

She has such total confidence in him, because she feels that she already knows him. And that's what enables her to really actually get to know him, in the end, so easily, so fluently. Maybe, in real life, if we get inside a relationship in such a natural, flowing way, in such an accepting-of-the-other form, instead of all the defenses we always keep building up, it will actually work better? Maybe. But we'll also hurt much more.

So, in a way, he somehow was a part in his own healing process? He completely gave in to the force of her love and devotion. But they came, actually, through him, through her knowing him and loving him for years. So in a way, it shows how a person can actually produce for himself the very thing that he needs.

Especially since, considering Henry's character - whose mother died when he was so young, whose father is emotionally just as missing as the dead mother - he really needed somebody with endless devotion and love in order to convince him that he can trust a person again, to give in, emotionally. It's not surprising at all, how he jumped among so many women, without any emotional commitment, until Claire arrived.

At their first meeting, in the "present", she thinks that he's more selfish than in her memories. I think, however, that he just behaves as a stranger, to a person he has met for the very first time. There is no consideration of a grown man towards a little girl, or even a teenager, no great love (well, yet) that is the factor drawing him to her, even past her, from the beginning. She had impossible expectations from him, then, to be the person she had remembered, when he still couldn't. And yet, she overcomes them, she continues the relationship despite his failing of them. And again, the reason is love.

Usually, it's a bad idea to be with someone in the hope that they'd change, that we can change them. But it's different here - Claire *knows* that she's going to succeed, because she's already met, in her past, the result of the whole process. She loves him enough in order to try and wait until he becomes the person she loves enough to wait for all that time. And again, in a way, with the differences that people have to go through, inevitably, in a relationship, it's not that different from real life, right?

And even in their wedding. On the first ceremony, she marries a more grown-up Henry, one to whom she's already married to, and only later, in another ceremony, she finalizes it by marrying the "present" Henry/ First of all, even though it happened this way due to time-traveling circumstances, or maybe even because of it, she commits to the man whom she loved for her entire childhood, the man whose younger in-the-present version tries to become, with her help. And it happens, in real life, that we get attached first to the possibility of a future someone that may result from the person who is in front of us right now?

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He loved her in the past, she knows that he's going to love her in the future, but still, she needs to make him love her in the right-now, in the very present, each time. Which is, again, in a way like in real life - you can't take a relationship, any relationship, for granted. You have to work at maintaining it, on each and every day. There's no way to assume, that if there's love now, it will remain for all times, without effort and investment.

The fact that she knows about the whole time travel aspect, that fact that this is even what made her wait for him all that time - it makes everything so much easier, so much clearer. No need for explanations, lies and secrets. Accepting a person, as he is.

Each time, there's one of them who takes things for granted, in a way, as OK. For example, his nudity when she's a little girl - on the first time they've met, when he was a grown up and accustomed to this, it was OK for him, and he could calm her down. And later, it was the other way around. So this way, it makes thing easier - they share the burden, each time one of them carries it for the other, and it makes the whole dealing with the situation and the explanations that much easier.

And it's even in the bigger picture, the whole share-of-balance thing: he gave her, when she was a child, the tools and strength to give him right back, when they were both adults, when she pretty much saved him from what we glimpsed at that ODing of alcohol on that one Christmas. So, yeah, in real life, this "my turn your turn" aspect of a relationship isn't that sharp, but still, it happens, even in "just" friendships, not marriage.

She hints at him, regarding how he had behaved with her, and he follows her clues. And, again, like in real relationships - you learn from the people around us regarding what's to come next, what to do, how to respond in a way that would fit both parties. So, yeah, it's far from being that direct, but still.

At their first meeting, in the "present", he asks her to move slower. Again, it comes from their different situations, but still, in real life, in a relationship, there are many cases in which each person really does need to move at a different pace.

Knowing all and then nothing about each other. She knows how he looks like naked, knows his responses, her personality. But she has no idea as for his last name, his job, his every-day life. You can know somebody, in real life, so well, in several aspects, but not at all in others, at the same time. In a way, it reminds me, strangely enough, online - or virtual - friendships.

When you see somebody from the outside, you can know more about them than they know about themselves, in certain aspects. She knows about him - because of meeting with his future self - more than he knows about himself. And yet, she still doesn't really know the present-him, when they first meet in the present.

He wants to protect Claire, not to tell her the difficult painful elements of their lives. And yet, what gives her strength is just that - being there for him, giving *him* comfort, and sharing the hardships is part of that, even regardless of their position in time, right?

When he cut his hair, before the wedding, he said that "I've become the self of my future". But then, the very fact that he gets married, starting life with that woman, is what makes him the self-of-the-future! And, you know, we all do that, right? We take the decisions, make those transitions, that end up creating a slightly-different "self" for us, moving us along into what we'd eventually become. The only difference is, we can't know this in advance, and usually don't have a visible proof of that.

Even though he had known her since she was 6 years old, even though he seemingly knew all there was to know about her, even helped to shape some of who she is, there was still a secret that she kept from him, her sleeping with Gomez before meeting him in the present. And even though she was certain of his love, throughout the years, his need of her, she still couldn't tell him (despite being such an honest person). And, again, in real life - it doesn't matter how long or hoe deeply you know a person, they can still surprise you, you still can't figure them out all the way.

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But it's also in other life stuff, not just in love and relationships. For example, for Henry, he says that "everything changed, starting this minute" when he talks about his first travel through time. But pretty much everybody has that painful growing-up process that has to be done, which spoils the happy cushions all around us as kids, right? For him, it was that specific experience, but it doesn't have to be a science-fiction one, in real life, and still have that effect.

And then his friend, the older friend who could understand him, because he was also a time-traveler, who taught him - that was he, himself. Always, he's only had himself, and himself alone. Solitude. And yet, he has had more than others usually have, in real life - he had the ability to meet himself, to learn from his own experience. We can't do that, no matter how much we wish we could have.

And the older-self, who seems to be wise, experienced and understanding, is actually full of questions and confusion and doubt' just like his own child version of himself. At least until he met Claire, found his place. And it's strange because, it's pretty obvious that she defines herself according to him and according to time (and longing). But Henry also defines himself through Claire, too. Only it's through her presence, not her absence and longing to her. She's his lighthouse, guiding him through the years, and I don't care how sappy that sounds.

Another thing that reflects real-life experience is the way Henry can actually see, with simple physical eyes, things about himself that he disapproves of. For example, a tone of voice he got from his father. We have to keep imagining those things. And then, even that ability doesn't solve things for him. For example, he criticizes his father for not figuring out that the man who kept hanging round him and his wife and baby son, was actually the grown-up Henry, time-traveling. And yet, when he first saw Alba, time traveling herself, he never recognized that it was his future-daughter, either.

The travel through time, to the scene of his mother's death - on the one hand, it gives him memories of her, memories that otherwise he never would have had, or would be so worn out and fading that he wouldn't know what's real memory and what's something he was told. But on the other hand, its constant presence in his everyday life doesn't enable the passage of time (time!) to heal that wound, or at least to let it be covered-up a bit. There's no way for him to be far from that pain.

And even his "I should have died too", the death that he was saved from through his time travel, isn't unique to his science-fiction state - everybody who were saved from such an accident may think that, regardless of how they were saved, I think.

He often travels through time in difficult emotional situations, of stress and hardship. In fact, in a way, he leaves everybody else to deal with that situation, difficult as it may be, plus the added bonus of his disappearance. A bit, indeed, like the mental patient, the way his brain was described, who withdraws into his own inner world when things are rough. And just as his body takes nothing with him, if there's any physical problem caused by his arrival or disappearance, somebody else has to pick up the pieces. He doesn't do it on purpose, he would have stopped if he could, and yet, that's how it is.

And he tries to deal with his situation. Way more so after meeting Claire and marrying her, too. Even inside this "remission", there is a fight, there is an attempt. hen dealing with a problem, especially in a relationship between people, the very promise of its future solution ("we're married", for example, here) can be a stimulation enough, sometimes, to keep fighting on, looking for that solution. Knowing that there is a well-defined bright cause ahead may give the strength to look for it. The very ability to solve a problem may be what ensures the existence of that solution-finding ability.

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And then, if when there are wonderful moments, really good - no, great - ones, then borrowing strength and spirit from them when things are rough, or even just routine and meaningless and grey - that's some sort of time travel in and of itself, isn't it?

I loved the aspect of longing, of yearning, that was woven all throughout the book. Missing, lack of being-there, that makes the love grow stronger. Sometimes even more than actually being together.

Her art works, the birds, are actually works of yearning. All of her essence as a grownup - her art - was designed by Henry, his absence, her waiting, all the different types of it.

And the book is full of it, not just towards the time-traveler, but to everybody who's missing. Claire's grandmother, who lost a brother at war, simply says "this is how it is, right?". Henry himself misses his dead mother, what his father could have been without the accident. Each person has their own yearnings and missing-somebody-s to feel. The only difference seems to be the "technical" element which creates that emotion and sets it in motion.

Does she love him so much, among other reasons, because he keeps disappearing? Because he's always missing, and there's never enough of him? Because it seems like he loves her, among other reasons, for being so present, right?

In fact, when her mother passed away, that was the first time he has ever experienced the yearning for somebody, who is supposedly with him, but actually isn't. The same longing that pretty much defined her life.

Oh, and Claire's mother wrote about her that she "belongs to herself". And, in real life, that is what I imagine every parent may feel, and yet here it's more emphasized, stands out more, since throughout all her childhood, Claire belonged, in a way, to Henry, to the one who will be connected to her directly, her husband.

And Charise (sp?), married to a man who is in love with another woman, who raises a family with him, she's in that same state of constant waiting, just like Claire . She's waiting to be loved, to be left, for something, anything, to happen and change the delicate balance. So it's a different kind of wait and longing, but it's still there. And again, it isn't anybody's fault, and yet still painful. All these waitings, all this past being present, all those yearnings, all that hope.

And I loved it that the book was named after Claire, the wife, and not the time-traveler himself. She was the real heroine of the story! Without her he wouldn't have survived in his present, regardless of the time-traveling, because of himself, not because of the shifts in time. And yes, part of the fact that she's so strong and patient is thanks to her learning to be like this, as a girl, from him. It's stemming from how she defines herself around him. And still.

I mean, driving, for example, is a good demonstration of this. He can't drive, because he worries about disappearing in the middle of the road, so she's the one who drives for him. And yet, there's also the running - he controls his body, as much as he can, at least then. Until, well, he can't. Poor guy.

And I do hope that, despite all the self-definition through waiting, Claire managed to build herself a life without Henry. Even if it all pointed itself to the moment in which she knew she'd see him again, as an old woman, I hope that she managed to love, even differently, other men. Even parent more children. Get free of that cycle, experience life as present in it, as a linear line, even for a short while, even if she can't help but get back to the waiting that defined her so.

Why, yes, I am a sap, didn't you realize that already? And a rambling one, at that, too. Sigh. Sorry.

OK, back to reality, no matter how many words in how many large paragraphs I try to throw at it.

Whoa. I've been meaning to pick that book up (off my shelf, I bought it a while ago) and now I'll really have to, so's I can read the whitefont.

It's a fantastic book, brenda. It's become one of my all-time favorites, the book I recommend to everyone nowadays.

The book is The Time Traveler's Wife, by the way.

So many people have recommended The Time Traveler's Wife (and L'Engle's A Wrinkle In Time), that I've been meaning to get it (both of them) for a while.

I did skim Nilly's white font, because I'm blessed with a poor memory for detail, and I know everything but "Nilly wrote beautifully about this story," will have left my head by the time I get and read the book.

I'm enthralled by the idea of time travel, anyhow, but this one sounds poignant.

I've bookmarked Nilly's post. I'm debating whether to read it now, or to read TTTW first, and then read Nilly's post.

RIP Mickey Spillane.

A few too many kisses deadly, I assume.

I didn't read The Time Traveler's Wife (or all of Nilly's post), but my wife loved parts and hated other parts.