t Threadsucking for later reading (I'm still behind on the former thread, I'm sorry to say, but I insist on really catching up!)

t Skipping and ignoring any ongoing onversations and feeling bad about it, but still

So, I'm trying to not-look-at-the-news, and I remembered mentioning this book once, and so, I just tried to sit and be concentrated for a while on "Time traveler's Wife". And then I rambled, badly. I read the book quite a while ago, so things are confused and jumping-into-each-other and partial and loooooong because I can't put them into order. I'm going to white-font all the babbling, because I hadn't been here for so long, I don't even remember the spoiler rules in this thread. And I apologize for invading it like that. So, anyway.

The whole story is, in fact, in the first 3 pages or so. Later it's only details. Also, in a very early stage of the book (a few dozen pages), most of those details are already known. And in a way, it's like in life. The frame is simple, even banal (boy and girl meet, boy and girl form a relationship, boy and girl have to struggle), there are almost no surprising or exciting elements, and yet, the story itself, the soul of it, is all the rest, all that inside and outside of those details.

I loved how the book was written all in present-tense. As if it doesn't matter when you are, that is the here-and-now. And in a way, the story is like characters in a book, in and of itself. When you open a book, no matter how old you are, how much you've grown since the last time you've read it, the characters are always the same age, even if they mature by the time it ends. Am I making any sense here?

I that I once was, I that I'll manage to become in the future, I of right now - and the connection between all these different and similar and identical and far Is.

She waited for him, all the time, as a girl, in the two years they were apart, and as a wife. Even when she met him, at the "present", she had to wait for him to become that person that she knows and loves (and that's the wait that's most in the present, less in either the past or the future). He never waited. But he also didn't have what to wait. So, what is better?

Even though, when he was away from her, after they were already a couple, he missed her all the time. It's not the same as waiting, though. Especially in a book that plays so much with time.

And I loved how, despite all the looking-aheads he had to the future, he had no idea that they would be able to become parents. Some things are more difficult, more special, even than winning the lottery, I guess.

A loop inside itself - she is so happy to meet him because she waited for him for so long. And her joy and confidence make him respond to her without any barriers, holding nothing back. And that is what enables them to really become a couple. And therefore, for him - to go back in time to her, over and over again, as his focus, which makes her again to want to meet with him as an adult - lather, rinse, repeat.

Another loop is the list of dates that they have - she brought it to him on their first meeting (for him, when she was 20). He memorized it, and therefore could dictate it to her when he went back in time, for her to have in order to give him in her future. So, who created that list, in the first place?

And if I'm talking about loops, then the obvious one is his knowledge - breaking into places, picking locks, stealing, fighting - where did that knowledge come from? He knows because he had taught himself, as a kid, and then he grew up, with that knowledge, in order to pass it on to his kid-self. But what's the source of this knowledge? On the other hand, well, there are quite a few things that people can't explain how they know, without any need for time travel, so who knows.

And it's not really a loop, but still. If he tells her things, he changes her (like telling her that she likes coffee and how). But if he doesn't tell her things (like whether they're married in the future) he also changes her. His very presence changes her, no matter what he does. And again, when she wonders about her future - he makes that future real and right-there even if only by his presence, but since he can't change anything in the time that isn't his current "present", he can't change it. Making it present, changing the present, but not the future. Confusing.

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But if we take out the let-my-head-spin element - everybody we know, everybody whom we feel deeply about, changes us, right?

None of them left the other a choice, really - he was at her side for her entire childhood, so there was nothing left for her to do but fall for him. And she flooded him with such love and confidence and familiarity when they first met in the "present", that he there was nothing left for him to do but return them to her, as well. So, on the surface, it's like the "one and only" fantasy about the soulmate that waits for each of us. But actually, the thing that made either of them fall for the other, was the love itself!

If he hadn't traveled through time, hadn't tied her to him so strongly since her childhood, would she have been able to choose Gomez, ho is so deeply in love with her? Is there really a "no choice" element here? Henry chose Claire because Claire chose Henry because Henry chose Claire?

Each one of them, in the present, made the choice of being with the other. But she, as a child, presented with that man who knew her and made her feel so special - did she have a choice, could she deny him those deep emotions? And him, when they met for the first time for him, in his present - that radiating joyous convinced and convincing girl, standing in front of him as if he's the answers to all her dreams - is there a way to really refuse such a deep emotion? Especially since she was already affected, already on her path to fit him so well. So each one of them made a choice, but did they really could do anything else?

She was lonely before she met him, in those two years in which she stopped seeing the traveling-to-the-past him, but not yet the in-the-present him. And right when she meets him, she feels like his very presence - even though he doesn't know her yet, even though he has no emotions towards her yet! - is already a cure to her loneliness, already ending it.

And it works for him, too - he deals much better with Christmas, the date of his mother's death, when he with Claire, than when he's alone at that year. Even if it's only a teenager-version of the woman she'd become, even if she can't really understand his pain and his needs. Sometimes, the very presence of a person helps, you know?

All throughout their lives, he was the one who knew the future, who wouldn't tell, who couldn't share. And when they first met as adults, she was the one who knew everything. For the first time, she was in that "power" position, she reversed the roles.

Something I liked less were the "larger than life" bits - how her parents were millionaires, how she looked like a model or something out of a painting, the abuse of her first date football player guy, the beating-up that followed, his mom being such an artist and so forth. I guess that for me, since the book dealt so much with experiences in relationships and people that were familiar and spoke to me, I would have preferred the book to be more of "amazing things happen to ordinary people", in a way. It didn't need, for me, all these components in order to be strong and effective, and for me they even weakened it a bit.

Oh, and I didn't like the torture that came upon them in the end of the book. I understood why the story demanded it, in a way - the constant final wait had to be Henry's death, the one travel from which he can't return, no matter what. And I understood, especially after all the emphasis on it all throughout the book, the helplessness in his situation, the importance of legs and movement and being-able to be away, for him.

And yet. He knew that he was going to die, that he would never see his daughter grow up, that he has the burden of his former girlfriend's suicide on his chest, he had to face the one thing he was most afraid of, all throughout life? And never be even given a proper chance to deal with it, because right when he started returning to life, he was killed? It felt like "let's make the readers weep", for me. Not that it didn't work, but still. I didn't feel the story needed that.

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And I think that one of the things I liked most about the book was the way the relationships about him mirrored and reflected relationships in real life, without the fantastic element of time travel. How all that complicated dance of getting to know a person, falling in love, sticking to a relationship, choosing the difficult aspects of everyday life over a fantasy, all that, so familiar, yet in this story, lit in such a new way.

When she first enters his apartment, for example, he tells her "had I known you'd come, I would have cleaned up the place a bit more". And it fits both his apartment, and, well, his whole life, which were pretty much a mess at the time. And again, this is true for so many relationships - we can't always live in a constant state of anticipation, (and, well, he really had no idea she was coming), but on the other hand, we should, I think, always be ready that something may actually happen, that somebody may enter our lives. And that's a trick balance to maintain.

When she meets him as a teenager, it's like all the dreams and the fantasies that many girls in this age hold dear and close to their hearts - a big man, who knows everything, including the future, who is old enough to lean on, who is understanding and considerate, an experienced lover, who teaches her gently. A wonderful secret to keep, and be special. And when the dream, the marriage, the actual life together, comes true - there's also a lot of sadness, disappointment and a lot to try and deal with. In real life, not a dream - pretty much the way it is with everybody, right?

When she's a kid, their meetings are pretty much like dates. She even describes them as "concentrated, dramatic, confusing". And then, when they meet in the "present", it's like living together or even marriage, from before either of those happen - it keeps going on, not abrupt breaks, with all the downsides and the considerations that are required from both of them, all the difficulties and less of the glamour. And yet - it's real, and real life.

And he loves Claire the girl, because of herself, but also because of the woman she'd grow up to become, his wife. And their marriage, with all the pain, the dealings, the failure. And he may like and enjoy the girl-version's innocence and ignorance and lack of experience, and, yes, lack of demands and hardships, but only for a short while. In the end, he always returns to the woman. Always goes back to the "real life" relationship, over the fantasy-one.

He goes to where she can't follow him - and sometimes it's to her, to a younger herself, to create this connection, that now makes her miss him. She can't follow him, even when she is the one he goes to. Almost like the lack of ability to really connect, in total openness, in full understanding, that exists between every two people trying to be in a relationship.

Even with all the preparations, since she was 6 years old, you can't know in advance when and where you're going to bump into the people who are going to be so important for you.

When she meets him for the first time, as two adults, her response is like "love at first sight", she's already in love with him. He, however, still has to learn to get to know her. There are different ways to know people and to develop love to them, and that doesn't mean anything regarding the depth and scope of that love.

She already knows him inside out - but not him the-way-he-is-now, but rather, the person he would one day become, with her help. He had never met her. They both have to learn to get to know the each other of the present. No fantasies, no decorations. There are, in real life, different ways to get to know people - "from the inside out", with the few people whom, upon first sight, you can feel that you already know them and how the relationship will end up being, and all that is required is the "technical details" all around that. And the "from the outside inward", which is the usual way of aquaintance, though the details, the everyday, you get to penetrate deeper into an individual's personality and get to know them better.

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And when they first meet, it's not him, the way she had known, that she's already in love with, who stands in front of her. That person, the one she had known as a girl, is a person he one day will become, but not yet. She will even be a help in his way of solving - well, at least some - of his problems with himself and the world around him. She will therefore be important in his way of becoming the clever, gentle man she fell in love with. Her faith in the possibility of his change is what makes it all possible - she knows that he's going to get there, because she saw him like that already, so she doesn't give up, and her lack of giving up - even more than the actual attempts - how she doesn't abandon him, is what makes him get through and become that.

She has such total confidence in him, because she feels that she already knows him. And that's what enables her to really actually get to know him, in the end, so easily, so fluently. Maybe, in real life, if we get inside a relationship in such a natural, flowing way, in such an accepting-of-the-other form, instead of all the defenses we always keep building up, it will actually work better? Maybe. But we'll also hurt much more.

So, in a way, he somehow was a part in his own healing process? He completely gave in to the force of her love and devotion. But they came, actually, through him, through her knowing him and loving him for years. So in a way, it shows how a person can actually produce for himself the very thing that he needs.

Especially since, considering Henry's character - whose mother died when he was so young, whose father is emotionally just as missing as the dead mother - he really needed somebody with endless devotion and love in order to convince him that he can trust a person again, to give in, emotionally. It's not surprising at all, how he jumped among so many women, without any emotional commitment, until Claire arrived.

At their first meeting, in the "present", she thinks that he's more selfish than in her memories. I think, however, that he just behaves as a stranger, to a person he has met for the very first time. There is no consideration of a grown man towards a little girl, or even a teenager, no great love (well, yet) that is the factor drawing him to her, even past her, from the beginning. She had impossible expectations from him, then, to be the person she had remembered, when he still couldn't. And yet, she overcomes them, she continues the relationship despite his failing of them. And again, the reason is love.

Usually, it's a bad idea to be with someone in the hope that they'd change, that we can change them. But it's different here - Claire *knows* that she's going to succeed, because she's already met, in her past, the result of the whole process. She loves him enough in order to try and wait until he becomes the person she loves enough to wait for all that time. And again, in a way, with the differences that people have to go through, inevitably, in a relationship, it's not that different from real life, right?

And even in their wedding. On the first ceremony, she marries a more grown-up Henry, one to whom she's already married to, and only later, in another ceremony, she finalizes it by marrying the "present" Henry/ First of all, even though it happened this way due to time-traveling circumstances, or maybe even because of it, she commits to the man whom she loved for her entire childhood, the man whose younger in-the-present version tries to become, with her help. And it happens, in real life, that we get attached first to the possibility of a future someone that may result from the person who is in front of us right now?

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He loved her in the past, she knows that he's going to love her in the future, but still, she needs to make him love her in the right-now, in the very present, each time. Which is, again, in a way like in real life - you can't take a relationship, any relationship, for granted. You have to work at maintaining it, on each and every day. There's no way to assume, that if there's love now, it will remain for all times, without effort and investment.

The fact that she knows about the whole time travel aspect, that fact that this is even what made her wait for him all that time - it makes everything so much easier, so much clearer. No need for explanations, lies and secrets. Accepting a person, as he is.

Each time, there's one of them who takes things for granted, in a way, as OK. For example, his nudity when she's a little girl - on the first time they've met, when he was a grown up and accustomed to this, it was OK for him, and he could calm her down. And later, it was the other way around. So this way, it makes thing easier - they share the burden, each time one of them carries it for the other, and it makes the whole dealing with the situation and the explanations that much easier.

And it's even in the bigger picture, the whole share-of-balance thing: he gave her, when she was a child, the tools and strength to give him right back, when they were both adults, when she pretty much saved him from what we glimpsed at that ODing of alcohol on that one Christmas. So, yeah, in real life, this "my turn your turn" aspect of a relationship isn't that sharp, but still, it happens, even in "just" friendships, not marriage.

She hints at him, regarding how he had behaved with her, and he follows her clues. And, again, like in real relationships - you learn from the people around us regarding what's to come next, what to do, how to respond in a way that would fit both parties. So, yeah, it's far from being that direct, but still.

At their first meeting, in the "present", he asks her to move slower. Again, it comes from their different situations, but still, in real life, in a relationship, there are many cases in which each person really does need to move at a different pace.

Knowing all and then nothing about each other. She knows how he looks like naked, knows his responses, her personality. But she has no idea as for his last name, his job, his every-day life. You can know somebody, in real life, so well, in several aspects, but not at all in others, at the same time. In a way, it reminds me, strangely enough, online - or virtual - friendships.

When you see somebody from the outside, you can know more about them than they know about themselves, in certain aspects. She knows about him - because of meeting with his future self - more than he knows about himself. And yet, she still doesn't really know the present-him, when they first meet in the present.

He wants to protect Claire, not to tell her the difficult painful elements of their lives. And yet, what gives her strength is just that - being there for him, giving *him* comfort, and sharing the hardships is part of that, even regardless of their position in time, right?

When he cut his hair, before the wedding, he said that "I've become the self of my future". But then, the very fact that he gets married, starting life with that woman, is what makes him the self-of-the-future! And, you know, we all do that, right? We take the decisions, make those transitions, that end up creating a slightly-different "self" for us, moving us along into what we'd eventually become. The only difference is, we can't know this in advance, and usually don't have a visible proof of that.

Even though he had known her since she was 6 years old, even though he seemingly knew all there was to know about her, even helped to shape some of who she is, there was still a secret that she kept from him, her sleeping with Gomez before meeting him in the present. And even though she was certain of his love, throughout the years, his need of her, she still couldn't tell him (despite being such an honest person). And, again, in real life - it doesn't matter how long or hoe deeply you know a person, they can still surprise you, you still can't figure them out all the way.

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But it's also in other life stuff, not just in love and relationships. For example, for Henry, he says that "everything changed, starting this minute" when he talks about his first travel through time. But pretty much everybody has that painful growing-up process that has to be done, which spoils the happy cushions all around us as kids, right? For him, it was that specific experience, but it doesn't have to be a science-fiction one, in real life, and still have that effect.

And then his friend, the older friend who could understand him, because he was also a time-traveler, who taught him - that was he, himself. Always, he's only had himself, and himself alone. Solitude. And yet, he has had more than others usually have, in real life - he had the ability to meet himself, to learn from his own experience. We can't do that, no matter how much we wish we could have.

And the older-self, who seems to be wise, experienced and understanding, is actually full of questions and confusion and doubt' just like his own child version of himself. At least until he met Claire, found his place. And it's strange because, it's pretty obvious that she defines herself according to him and according to time (and longing). But Henry also defines himself through Claire, too. Only it's through her presence, not her absence and longing to her. She's his lighthouse, guiding him through the years, and I don't care how sappy that sounds.

Another thing that reflects real-life experience is the way Henry can actually see, with simple physical eyes, things about himself that he disapproves of. For example, a tone of voice he got from his father. We have to keep imagining those things. And then, even that ability doesn't solve things for him. For example, he criticizes his father for not figuring out that the man who kept hanging round him and his wife and baby son, was actually the grown-up Henry, time-traveling. And yet, when he first saw Alba, time traveling herself, he never recognized that it was his future-daughter, either.

The travel through time, to the scene of his mother's death - on the one hand, it gives him memories of her, memories that otherwise he never would have had, or would be so worn out and fading that he wouldn't know what's real memory and what's something he was told. But on the other hand, its constant presence in his everyday life doesn't enable the passage of time (time!) to heal that wound, or at least to let it be covered-up a bit. There's no way for him to be far from that pain.

And even his "I should have died too", the death that he was saved from through his time travel, isn't unique to his science-fiction state - everybody who were saved from such an accident may think that, regardless of how they were saved, I think.

He often travels through time in difficult emotional situations, of stress and hardship. In fact, in a way, he leaves everybody else to deal with that situation, difficult as it may be, plus the added bonus of his disappearance. A bit, indeed, like the mental patient, the way his brain was described, who withdraws into his own inner world when things are rough. And just as his body takes nothing with him, if there's any physical problem caused by his arrival or disappearance, somebody else has to pick up the pieces. He doesn't do it on purpose, he would have stopped if he could, and yet, that's how it is.

And he tries to deal with his situation. Way more so after meeting Claire and marrying her, too. Even inside this "remission", there is a fight, there is an attempt. hen dealing with a problem, especially in a relationship between people, the very promise of its future solution ("we're married", for example, here) can be a stimulation enough, sometimes, to keep fighting on, looking for that solution. Knowing that there is a well-defined bright cause ahead may give the strength to look for it. The very ability to solve a problem may be what ensures the existence of that solution-finding ability.

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And then, if when there are wonderful moments, really good - no, great - ones, then borrowing strength and spirit from them when things are rough, or even just routine and meaningless and grey - that's some sort of time travel in and of itself, isn't it?

I loved the aspect of longing, of yearning, that was woven all throughout the book. Missing, lack of being-there, that makes the love grow stronger. Sometimes even more than actually being together.

Her art works, the birds, are actually works of yearning. All of her essence as a grownup - her art - was designed by Henry, his absence, her waiting, all the different types of it.

And the book is full of it, not just towards the time-traveler, but to everybody who's missing. Claire's grandmother, who lost a brother at war, simply says "this is how it is, right?". Henry himself misses his dead mother, what his father could have been without the accident. Each person has their own yearnings and missing-somebody-s to feel. The only difference seems to be the "technical" element which creates that emotion and sets it in motion.

Does she love him so much, among other reasons, because he keeps disappearing? Because he's always missing, and there's never enough of him? Because it seems like he loves her, among other reasons, for being so present, right?

In fact, when her mother passed away, that was the first time he has ever experienced the yearning for somebody, who is supposedly with him, but actually isn't. The same longing that pretty much defined her life.

Oh, and Claire's mother wrote about her that she "belongs to herself". And, in real life, that is what I imagine every parent may feel, and yet here it's more emphasized, stands out more, since throughout all her childhood, Claire belonged, in a way, to Henry, to the one who will be connected to her directly, her husband.

And Charise (sp?), married to a man who is in love with another woman, who raises a family with him, she's in that same state of constant waiting, just like Claire . She's waiting to be loved, to be left, for something, anything, to happen and change the delicate balance. So it's a different kind of wait and longing, but it's still there. And again, it isn't anybody's fault, and yet still painful. All these waitings, all this past being present, all those yearnings, all that hope.

And I loved it that the book was named after Claire, the wife, and not the time-traveler himself. She was the real heroine of the story! Without her he wouldn't have survived in his present, regardless of the time-traveling, because of himself, not because of the shifts in time. And yes, part of the fact that she's so strong and patient is thanks to her learning to be like this, as a girl, from him. It's stemming from how she defines herself around him. And still.

I mean, driving, for example, is a good demonstration of this. He can't drive, because he worries about disappearing in the middle of the road, so she's the one who drives for him. And yet, there's also the running - he controls his body, as much as he can, at least then. Until, well, he can't. Poor guy.

And I do hope that, despite all the self-definition through waiting, Claire managed to build herself a life without Henry. Even if it all pointed itself to the moment in which she knew she'd see him again, as an old woman, I hope that she managed to love, even differently, other men. Even parent more children. Get free of that cycle, experience life as present in it, as a linear line, even for a short while, even if she can't help but get back to the waiting that defined her so.

Why, yes, I am a sap, didn't you realize that already? And a rambling one, at that, too. Sigh. Sorry.

OK, back to reality, no matter how many words in how many large paragraphs I try to throw at it.

Whoa. I've been meaning to pick that book up (off my shelf, I bought it a while ago) and now I'll really have to, so's I can read the whitefont.

It's a fantastic book, brenda. It's become one of my all-time favorites, the book I recommend to everyone nowadays.

The book is The Time Traveler's Wife, by the way.

So many people have recommended The Time Traveler's Wife (and L'Engle's A Wrinkle In Time), that I've been meaning to get it (both of them) for a while.

I did skim Nilly's white font, because I'm blessed with a poor memory for detail, and I know everything but "Nilly wrote beautifully about this story," will have left my head by the time I get and read the book.

I'm enthralled by the idea of time travel, anyhow, but this one sounds poignant.