by the way - guys looking for a convienent ( I can't spell that word) fuck - don't hang out , take pictures to share with your friends , and lend their gloves. they just fuck and go.

Beth is wise. Also, they don't take care of you when you are sick, which I believe the boy did a while back.

Also, I'm not in this dude's brain, but I am pretty positive he does NOT find you disgusting. Really, fucking truly-o. First of all, in general, crazy talk, though I know you don't believe it. Second, you guys have been intimate too many times for him to really be choking back loathing just to get laid. You can't fake that kind of physical connection, you know it's true. YOU KNOW. Your demons are just fucking with you while you're low.

I keep telling myself that, and on occasion, it does actually register. On occasion. Today just isn't one of those occasions.

"I don't want to be crazy in love. I want to be sane in love."

Heh. *I* told *him* that. Not in so many words, of course, but I told him that if he *were* obsessed with me, I'd freak and run, and that his lack of obsession is *healthy.* But obsession feels normal to him, and I get that, but -- arrgh.

Also, a lot of people who have the conversation you had with The Boy? They wind up being with that person for a good long time. Because their relationship is already based on friendship and honest communication. Throw in the good sex and it's actually a pretty strong relationship you've got going.

This is what I tend to think, too. But I don't know what it's like in his brain. (Squishy, I imagine.)

Eventually, he'll either decide it's love or not. And it sounds like you're still having to decide that yourself because you've been pretty adamant about not using the "b" word.

Heh. Well, true. I even said last night "No! Don't use the 'D' word!" Which made him laugh.

reading both accounts you wrote - I think you really are on the same page - You both are skittish about going too far and too fast - and your doubts are when you are away from him - not with him.

This is true, yeah. And makes me feel better.

buy the way - guys looking for a convienent ( I can't spell that word) fuck - don't hang out , take pictures to share with your friends , and lend their gloves. they just fuck and go.

Also very true. Hmm.

It's the cold talking, Steph. Step away from thinking about relationships until you're getting oxygen to your brain.

Is true. I should actually try to take a nap. (I'm home from work today, because I feel like I've been hit by a truck. A medium-sized one, not a semi, but still a truck.)

You guys, THANKS. A lot.

They are in MA and CT. I would like to be several time zones away from them. But somehow still several time zones away from my MIL.

I just got an e-mail from Home Depot with the subject line: The Biggest Tool Event of the Year. I am 12.

Another strike against disability oppression: it's a total thread-killer.

I think today my body is making up for not eating while I was in the hospital. I've eaten like four times already. This is crazy. You'd think I was back on the steroids.

Steph, I, too found out last night that communication works. It's hard. But it works. I'm glad you guys had the talk.

For the first time in a long while, Owen just wanted to crawl into my lap and fall asleep.

Note to billytea: He fell asleep to my own rendition of Walting Matilda--which remains one of his favorites.

Tep, I got all caught up much too late to say anything much but: What they all said. I'm sorry you're feeling all stressed and besieged by the body image/self esteem demons. They're lying to you. As they always do. They did it a few weeks ago when you went out clothes shopping and came back here full of totally unwarranted despair, and they're doing it now. They're just waiting to pounce at a time when you're feeling especially vulnerable.

Also at a time when you've been smart and kind to yourself and brave. You are pretty and you should have pretty things, so you defied the BIDs by going out looking for nice clothes, and they lashed back because your defiance pissed themoff. And now you've made an emotionally and physically pleasurable connection with someone, and you want to protect your heart and clarify things and know where you both stand, so you defied a host of demons and had a real grown-up Talk with the boy, and the demons are now supremely pissed off at your refusal to cower before them and shut up. Fuck them, man. They're liars, and they don't have as firm a hold on you as they used to and they want to punish you for it. Fuck 'em.

I couldn't get Leif to go to sleep last night. He got into bed at 8:30pm and it was about 9:45pm before he actually went to sleep. Maybe his adventure had him all worked up.

Which I'm quoting from one of these shows we watch or somebody we know, I can't remember which. "I don't want to be crazy in love. I want to be sane in love."

That'd be me, but I'm not sure I've ever been mistaken for a teevee show, or at least not a Buffista-approved one.

All that advice up there? Good advice. And I'll add that this is not a boy who's off secretly thinking you're gross; the connection you've described is much too honest and open for that kind of backchannel crap. It sounds to me like he's one of the folks -- like a lot of us -- who think you're as fabulous and smart and worthwhile as we say we do. And whether that adds up to big cinematic etc. or not, the current state is good for the Tep.