Librarian Warlord. Hee.

Anyone else immediately picture a Klingon?

Ah yes...Good luck, Sparky! (I forgot to say that before.)

Okay, I'm sorry to be all memememe when other people have Actual Legitimate Worries, but I'm going to be a shallow selfish jerk anyway.

Being me, I've already stressed myself out MASSIVELY about The Talk that The Boy and I had less than 12 hours ago.

My last post was the very very very condensed version of a very very very long Talk, and I only posted the summary/high points. But he also talked about his past relationships, and not knowing how to know when it's the Real Thing versus when you should bail in the hopes of the Grand Cinematic Passion. And he talked about past relationships and not wanting to bail *simply because* he didn't want to hurt his GF by breaking up with her. He talked about how the fact that he's not obsessed with me, not constantly thinking about me and driving himself crazy with it, is proof that this isn't the Real Thing.

He also said he thought that b/c I don't call him as often as he calls me, that meant I wasn't actually interested in him. And that's when I said that *I* was trying to not call too often, b/c *I* was afraid that he would think I was a pest-y, creepy, stalker-y freak. He said "That makes me feel a LOT better....and I worry about the same thing, too, you know." All I could do was laugh, and say "Damn, we *are* a pair, aren't we?" He said "They don't write songs about relationships like this, damn it."

My stress, then? Is as follows:

(1) I can't shake the feeling that his intent in the conversation was to actually drop the flux out of the relationship and go back to just friends.

(2) Does he *really* think that Grand Cinematic Passion is sustainable? Or that it should be?

(3) All I can keep thinking is "He thinks I'm fat and gross and disgusting and just can't come up with a way to say it."

(4) I thought things were going well. REALLY well. We had a particularly...good night...on Saturday.

Bah. Relationships stress me out. Maybe we *should* just go back to being just friends. At least that way I won't keep wondering if he thinks I'm disgusting, because it wouldn't be a factor.

Yeah, I *know* that on the face of it, it *sounds* like The Talk ended up just fine. And I guess it did. It was just....his demeanor, I guess. Yeah, it was 1 in the morning, and we were both exhausted, PLUS I'm sick, and so maybe all this is skewed in my mind. I don't know. All I can say is, I'm really stressed now.

And I have this rotten, rotten cold and a sore throat and I can't breathe and I slept really badly last night so now I'm just all wired and tense and waiting for the other conversation, the one where he says "Yeah, actually, I can't do this any more."

Dad is taking me to the big electrode appointment. I had e-mailed him to make sure he remembered, and he didn't respond. So, I just called him. He's all, "What time am I supposed to pick you up?" Um...in 45 minutes! Goof. I'm glad I called.

I wasn't actually very far away, and usually I was hiding under one of those big, round clothing racks.

My mother has yet to forgive me for a hiding in the round clothing racks incident. She still brings it up occasionally, even though we're approaching five decades since it happened. That and the time I stopped the escalator. I specialized more in things like locking myself in the bathroom, sticking a paper umbrella up my nose and getting my tongue stuck to an ice tray. It's possible I would have been safer out of the house, except for the time I ran into a tree on my bicycle and the time I fell on the ice and had to have stitches.

Oh, Steph. I'm so sorry you're so stressed about it. And, I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks, vw. I feel so petty posting about it when you have things going on in your life that deserve *actual* concern, you know?

Steph, it sounds like you could tell him your feelings (based on the convo you've already had). I know neither way is fun (telling or not telling), but at least you'd have your answers if you talked to him about it. It's understandable that you'd go away and digest and then have some more questions for him. Good luck no matter what you decide.

OK, Teppy's Brain. Stop stressing Teppy out when she's sick and feeling low and shitty and tired and predisposed to letting all the old demons run around anyway. Just STEP OFF!

I think things are murkey, because of the unntraditional type relationship you guys have. Talkinga bout stuff and being honest is good. Sometimes stuff will come up that could be worrisome, but I don't think that if he didn't care about you he would even be going into that kind of discussion at all.

Also, I'm not in this dude's brain, but I am pretty positive he does NOT find you disgusting. Really, fucking truly-o. First of all, in general, crazy talk, though I know you don't believe it. Second, you guys have been intimate too many times for him to really be choking back loathing just to get laid. You can't fake that kind of physical connection, you know it's true. YOU KNOW. Your demons are just fucking with you while you're low.

{{{Teppy}}} I hope things all work out the way you want it to.

vw, best of luck with your appointment. I'll be thinking of you.