I would like to sleep, but no such luck. I couldn't resist the nap earlier--it was too powerful and overcame my defenses.

I've been having that problem for a long while now. Don't know what's going on and with the impending layoff it's a terrible time to try to find out. Have been absolutely exhausted. Spend nearly all my lunch hours at work taking a nap to rest my burning eyes. When I get home, I often do nothing but go to sleep. My employer really is getting my best right now. There's nothing left over for me.

Bleagh. I'm surprised I've stayed up this late. It's my usual MO, but it's been unusual lately.

I hope you get to sleep when you'd like to, Kristin.

Thanks, Spidra. I think I'm going to try again shortly. Night...

Spidra, I went to Tomales High School from '83 to '85. It's pretty country.

My temp-to-perm job is likely to go perm at any time now!

It's a big group of dinosaurs--T-Rexes!--that all live and hunt together. They like being in a stereumtype.

You have had way more than your fair share of health crap recently. The way that you have dealt with things methodically and calmly has been most impressive. I know you feel like you freak out, but you have handled things so well. I see you dealing what is thrown your way with solid judgment and careful analysis. When you get to the other side of this challenge you are going to look back and realize just how well you coped with this nightmare.

I couldn't possibly say it better, so I'll just point and nod.

Thanks so much guys. It feels really good to hear that. Believe it or not, things have been a little shaky, and I need all the encouragement I can get. I was telling my therapist about this yesterday. When things start going wrong (like the last month or so) I start believing in myself less, which causes me to believe in others less, so I start reaching out in not-so-healthy ways. I’ve seen a little of that the last few days…especially where treatment providers are concerned. I want to nip that in the bud, but other than that, I do think I’m handling it fairly well.

Yay for MG having a good vacation with K-Bug. Glad you made it home safe and sound.

Hope Kristin and Spidra are off having pleasant dreams.

I slept for 12 hours, and I think I still need more. Emily had a hell of a time trying to wake me up. I’m surprised she didn’t give up…She probably wanted coffee :).

Today on the docket we have working on the quilt, napping, and knitting and crocheting group. It sounds like a lovely day. Let’s hope my body cooperates. No more of this pain and puking thing.

Believe it or not, things have been a little shaky, and I need all the encouragement I can get.

Oh, I believe it. {vw} Glad you got some encouragement.

It's weird, you know. I have a great support system. I am so very lucky in that. And it's not just Buffistas...it's family, friends from church, friends from DBT groups. I make friends all over the place (which you'd think would be an indication of my friendableness). But, when things get tough, I start to think that I don't deserve those friends...they're only doing these things because they feel like they have to...I'm a burden...all those yicky thoughts come back.

My friend, Allison, who is just wonderful beyond words, sat with me in the ER ALL night. She only went home when she had to relieve her husband of baby duty so he could go to work. And, she was more than willing to come back to the hospital to sit with me more, with George (the baby). I couldn't get it at the time. I kept asking her if she wanted to/needed to go. I felt terrible that she'd had to be up all night. Yet, not once did she stop smiling, advocating, and just being all-around wonderful. But, I felt terrible about the whole thing...very undeserving...and it's been a while since I felt that way.

It's kind of like that first time when I was admitted to the psych ward (this was just a few months after I'd moved to Boston). I told my doctor that I was scared my friends were forced friends...like they felt like they had to be my friends, since I moved to Boston and into their group. He looked at me and said, "This is the real deal. Forced friends don't come visit you in a locked psychiatric ward."

I'm very lucky. And I'm even more lucky that everyone sticks around when I have these moments of shakiness.

Dear vw, please try to remember that you are lovable. Is there some bit of your brain, in spite of your skills at radical acceptance and all the logic you can throw at it, telling you that you must, somehow, deserve the crappy health things that happen to you, and therefore you do not deserve the great people who love you? If so please allow me to gently remind it that it is wacky in the bad way, and we would all appreciate it if it went back to its dark little corner and kept its mouth shut. You DO deserve to have kind, loyal, generous friends. You DO deserve the good things in life - loving family and amazing friends - simply because you are you.

You are also a woman of extraordinary strength, wit, intelligence, passion, compassion, love, and persistence - which means you deserve all the nice bits of life that come from putting in the effort. These WILL come to you, so please hang on until they do. And when they do? Please hang on for more, because you deserve it.

Thanks so much WindSparrow.

Is there some bit of your brain, in spite of your skills at radical acceptance and all the logic you can throw at it, telling you that you must, somehow, deserve the crappy health things that happen to you, and therefore you do not deserve the great people who love you?

Why yes. That's kind of creepy. You know exactly what my brain is telling me! I grew up in an environment (and by this I do not mean my parents...I mean the community we were a part of) where people often felt that health problems were either "God's Will" or "God's Punnishment." It's hard to get that completely out my head.

And when they do? Please hang on for more, because you deserve it.

I look forward to it!

where people often felt that health problems were either "God's Will" or "God's Punnishment.

Yeah, my God doesn't operate this way. I know this. If He did there would be a whole lot more smiting going on.

Off to work. Have good days and/or nights Bitches.