It's weird, you know. I have a great support system. I am so very lucky in that. And it's not just Buffistas...it's family, friends from church, friends from DBT groups. I make friends all over the place (which you'd think would be an indication of my friendableness). But, when things get tough, I start to think that I don't deserve those friends...they're only doing these things because they feel like they have to...I'm a burden...all those yicky thoughts come back.

My friend, Allison, who is just wonderful beyond words, sat with me in the ER ALL night. She only went home when she had to relieve her husband of baby duty so he could go to work. And, she was more than willing to come back to the hospital to sit with me more, with George (the baby). I couldn't get it at the time. I kept asking her if she wanted to/needed to go. I felt terrible that she'd had to be up all night. Yet, not once did she stop smiling, advocating, and just being all-around wonderful. But, I felt terrible about the whole thing...very undeserving...and it's been a while since I felt that way.

It's kind of like that first time when I was admitted to the psych ward (this was just a few months after I'd moved to Boston). I told my doctor that I was scared my friends were forced friends...like they felt like they had to be my friends, since I moved to Boston and into their group. He looked at me and said, "This is the real deal. Forced friends don't come visit you in a locked psychiatric ward."

I'm very lucky. And I'm even more lucky that everyone sticks around when I have these moments of shakiness.

Dear vw, please try to remember that you are lovable. Is there some bit of your brain, in spite of your skills at radical acceptance and all the logic you can throw at it, telling you that you must, somehow, deserve the crappy health things that happen to you, and therefore you do not deserve the great people who love you? If so please allow me to gently remind it that it is wacky in the bad way, and we would all appreciate it if it went back to its dark little corner and kept its mouth shut. You DO deserve to have kind, loyal, generous friends. You DO deserve the good things in life - loving family and amazing friends - simply because you are you.

You are also a woman of extraordinary strength, wit, intelligence, passion, compassion, love, and persistence - which means you deserve all the nice bits of life that come from putting in the effort. These WILL come to you, so please hang on until they do. And when they do? Please hang on for more, because you deserve it.

Thanks so much WindSparrow.

Is there some bit of your brain, in spite of your skills at radical acceptance and all the logic you can throw at it, telling you that you must, somehow, deserve the crappy health things that happen to you, and therefore you do not deserve the great people who love you?

Why yes. That's kind of creepy. You know exactly what my brain is telling me! I grew up in an environment (and by this I do not mean my parents...I mean the community we were a part of) where people often felt that health problems were either "God's Will" or "God's Punnishment." It's hard to get that completely out my head.

And when they do? Please hang on for more, because you deserve it.

I look forward to it!

where people often felt that health problems were either "God's Will" or "God's Punnishment.

Yeah, my God doesn't operate this way. I know this. If He did there would be a whole lot more smiting going on.

Off to work. Have good days and/or nights Bitches.

Nora, are you still around?

Andi, I meant to comment before, what a huge thing for your mom. I'm sure there are rocky waters ahead, but good on her for something that must have been incredibly difficult.

And, she was more than willing to come back to the hospital to sit with me more, with George (the baby). I couldn't get it at the time. I kept asking her if she wanted to/needed to go.

Know this feeling, totally. The thing that sometimes helps me is to picture the situation reversed - would you be doing it out of obligation or irked about it? I doubt that a lot. People want to help. Sometimes you just have to take that on faith, even if it doesn't quite sink in.

I've been thinking of you, by the way, and amazed at how you pull yourself through all this. I think I'd be curled up in a little ball somewhere.

I start to think that I don't deserve those friends...they're only doing these things because they feel like they have to

Any encouragement I give you I do give because I have to. In the face of your sweetness and strength and all around bugness, how could I not? It's because you're wonderful that I'm compelled to give you encouragement and say nice things.

You earned every bit (and byte) of it.

Thanks so much everyone.

ION, does anyone see a yardage of yarn on this pattern site: [link] How stupid to not list it.

Andi, it is so great that your mom got away from that beast. Throw her a party. In fact, throw everyone who knows her, including you, a party, because that is just the best thing ever.

vw, I'm not very good at telling people how much I care about them, so what I do is show up. I'm there, and I like to think that people get that, even if I can't say it. Seems to me like an awful lot of people care about you, and even if you sometimes don't think it, them being there is the best way they show you that.

Also, I was thinking of you today when I was talking to a friend who's brother had serious colitis a few years back. At one point he was on sixteen different kinds of steroids, which didn't even stop the bleeding, and he was in constant agony. Someone told him he should try smoking marijuana in the mornings, and it worked a charm - most of the pain and bleeding stopped and he could cut back on the steroids. I realise that's very much not an option for you, but I was thinking how nice it would be if you could find something like that. If anyone deserves a miracle cure, it's you.

What they said, VW.