I took my zip car to Scarsdale to exchange a cashmere sweater at Lord and Taylor and was lectured by the sales lady.

On what? huh.

because I was standing in front of her with a size 2x Lord & Taylor lable twinset and exchanging the cardigan of said twin set for a 1x and it did not have a price tag.

"you don't have the receipt?"

"no"

"you don't have the gift receipt?"

"no"

"the price tag is gone!"

"yes"

"you really should have saved them"

"It was a present. I opened the box and there they were"

"well, you really should have them"

"its an even exchange, I don't know why there is a problem here. the sweater is mint and they're identical except for the size"

"well, you should have the receipt. You COULD have bought it for eleven dollars somewhere"

"If you could tell me where I could buy two-ply, current season, lord & taylor lable cashmere for eleven dollars I'd appreciate it very much because I'd never have to come here again."

Dude. I've worked retail. You just do the exchange. Even if the thing ISN'T immaculate its not worth the battle or pissing off a customer. And it was mint. And they were identical. And I'm not a thief (as she was implying) and my Mother is not a thief (as she was alternately implying) and people don't call ahead three days in advance, have sweaters held, rent cars, and spend half their morning exchanging identical sweaters fraudulently.

The woman who had held the sweater for me three days earlier left a note explaining the situation and giving instructions on how to do the exchange. None of them knew how to do it. Hence, the pissy.

Clerk? Clearly insane.

Clearly, Trudy. No one would blame you and many would applaud if you bopped her smartly on the head.

Trudy clearly getting a coupon from L&T.

Dear Lord Taylor:

t insert long letter telling long stupid saga

I've shopped at your store for many years and have paid your not exactly economical prices for the sake of convenience, service, and quality. If you're going to make me drive sixty miles to be treated rudely by a clerk who doesn't know cashmere when she's holding it I'm not sure why I should continue to patronize your store.

Or something to that effect. Jezus. Do an inter-store ship like Macy*s or... or... or... I'LL GO TO FUCKING MACY*S.

No one would blame you and many would applaud if you bopped her smartly on the head.

I didn't raise my voice even once. I was so good. I DID snark once pushed but even a Bitch is only human.

OK, more like forty miles. Just checked.

Oh yes, send Letter of Discontent to L&T. Maybe you'll get some free stuff out of it. That actually worked for me this year - I bought 2 tires at Costco, and the next day I said, "Hm. They look a bit flat." They had less than 20 lbs of pressure each, so I wrote an Outraged Letter about customer safety - and ended up getting 2 tires installed free. That rocked.

MG can always hide out at my place for awhile, whether she cleans it or not. Of course, it's always nice when someone who is not me does my chores. Too bad I have no minion.

I would be your minion, Katie. I could live in your shed! All alone, by myself, whenever I wasn't feeling like human interaction. And I would clean and launder and...and...cook. Maybe. And pet the kitties and...

Ah well. Nice fantasy while it lasted.