Hmm. 'Surprising' may not be what I should go for in this case....

Sigh. Okay how about this....

The conclusion here is essentially a paradigmatic prospective assemblage intended to render a dynamic orchestration of employee energistics across multiple vertices. Through a system of non-apparent motive vehicles, we will seek to initiate from within the disintegrated participatory constituents an innovated focus-drive generating a core-gravity that will channel exertory critical impulses along complementary and bi-reflexive vortals.

So, anyone want to write the conclusion of my paper for me?

Despite [counter-argument you don't feel like dealing with at this point], the [list of examples from paper] suggest [something which is related to, or sounds like, your thesis]. [Joke to distract anyone from the flimsy connection between what you just said and your original thesis]. [Topic sentence from paper's opening, rewritten with a few synonyms].

OMG Gud, you read my boss' year-end memo!

A completely different link Perkins shouldn't click on.

Is it wrong of me to assume that February is calling January up to invite him over for a nooner?

...Motown and the Beatles and other crappy music.

Tell QPB that the Guinness I gave him years ago just retroactively transubstantiated into O'Doul's in his system.

You are on a roll today, Gud.

God, I wish I could go home now. I'm just starting to twitch about everything I need to do. It'll get done, I just want to START doing it.

I love Wonkette:

Our transit-bereft sister reported this morning that the Pentagon, ostensibly meaning to protect the nation from terrorists, sent out a team of "homo-hating sleuths" to spy on gay-advocacy groups such as OUTLaw at the NYU Law School, even going so far as to label a "kiss-in" at the University of California at Santa Cruz (home of the Fighting Banana Slugs!) as a "credible threat of terrorism." Wow. Maybe the Patriot Act contains vital tools on fighting the war on terror, but it could stand to have an amendment added legally obligating its enforcers to use their fucking brain, before we dispatch American troops to search for Osama bin Laden in the caves of Brokeback Mountain.

Here at Wonkette, this news sort of hits us where we live. Let it be stated again: we hold these truths to self-evident: 1) that assfucking is not just a Constitutional right, but a national obligation, and 2) what we know of the Talibanesque worldview of global islamofascists teaches us that tide of the war on terror is just a Scissor Sisters concert and a few strategically airdropped boxes of amyl nitrate away from being turned.— DCEIVER

[link]

From The Onion

WASHINGTON, DC—The recent leak revealing Santa Claus to be "your mommy and daddy" has been linked to President Bush's senior political adviser and deputy chief of staff Karl Rove.

[link]

Gud just made my head hurt.

In boss gift-giving, I made a scarf for my assistant and also have some chocolate for her. Is that okay? Or would you be offended because it seems cheap?

Really? Not going for HSQ in your paper.

I know, I'm crazy.

The conclusion here is essentially a paradigmatic prospective assemblage intended to render a dynamic orchestration of employee energistics across multiple vertices. Through a system of non-apparent motive vehicles, we will seek to initiate from within the disintegrated participatory constituents an innovated focus-drive generating a core-gravity that will channel exertory critical impulses along complementary and bi-reflexive vortals.

But I think this could actually work!

If I can make a suggestion - I think this is better:

The conclusion here is essentially a paradigmatic prospective assemblage intended to render a dynamic orchestration of employee energistics across multiple vertices. Through a system of non-apparent motive llama llama llama vehicles, we will seek to initiate from within the disintegrated participatory constituents an innovated focus-drive generating a core-gravity that will channel llama llama exertory critical impulses along complementary and bi-reflexive vortals. Llama.

edit for dumb spelling mistake.