Rant:

(which I'll probably delete in a bit, it's just too fucking whiny and depressing)

I have no best money spent. Right now I'm looking at my bank account and cursing every penny I've ever spent on anything. I'm so frigging tired of living paycheck to paycheck, trying to dig myself out of the hole I spent my twenties so brilliantly digging myself into, depending on massive amounts of homelife and marriage-depressing overtime to manage anything but the necessities. And this month my supervisor didn't bother to submit my timesheet until last Friday (she had it, completely signed with all OT back-up documentation attached, on 11/30) so the OT check won't come in until 12/28. No money for Christmas presents or Christmas eve dinner. No money for the auto insurance that comes due on the 27th. Not even any money to go see Serenity at the bargain theater down the street this week. I could borrow from Hec, but then he's got no Christmas present/Christmas eve dinner money.

And it's all totally my fault. I fucking hate this so much, every single goddamn month. Hate.

t /whiny rant

Ugh, JZ, that sucks, and I shake my fist in your boss's direction for you.

Oh, JZ, I'm so sorry. That's so wrong of your boss. She should at least buy you dinner or something to make up for it.

I should note that this isn't my good boss whom I adore, this is just the division admin supervisor who signs things and shit. I mean, I probably should have emphasized to her when I dropped all the forms off that I really needed this money ASAP, but... dammit, why should I have even? Shouldn't "get the money to the person who earned it ASAP" be the default setting, not the special circumstance that warrants a heads-up?

It just feels like I'm going to spend the entire rest of my life trying to pay down stupid debts and carving away one small pleasure after another trying to do it, and in the end I'm just going to be dead anyway and the debt will outlive me by decades. I'm so sick of feeling guilty every time I buy a goddamn cup of coffee.

Best money I spent?

Currently, I'm thinking it was the money I spent for my orthotics. . .

Shouldn't "get the money to the person who earned it ASAP" be the default setting, not the special circumstance that warrants a heads-up?

You would think, especially this time of year. I would complain to GoodBoss.

the debt will outlive me by decades

Not having kids, the thought of creditors fruitlessly howling at my funeral gives me twisted joy. You can have my money when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

JZ, love, all my sympathies -- and know that it does (painfully slowly and sometimes almost imperceptibly, but really truly does) get better as you keep chipping away at it. Money worries? Biggest suck I know. But you'll make it.

Not having kids, the thought of creditors fruitlessly howling at my funeral gives me twisted joy.

Lucky. (Step-)Having one and hoping for another, that thought fills me with suffocating dread.

Also, I'm so tired of having this exact same flip-out every single month. This month, I fucked myself over by buying two pairs of shoes, three sweaters and some new tights, practically the first new stuff since the wedding 19 months ago. I feel so gigantically incompetent, that I'm living so close to the edge that three sweaters puts me over a barrel, and so guilty about possibly fucking up Hec and Emmett too.

At least I have their Christmas presents already, paid for free and clear and with real money, not credit, so there's that.

I'm still waiting for a design fee I should've received Nov 18.