Okay, help me out on this. These are questions for an imaginary interview with Tom Waits. This is NOT a real interview I have scheduled, but neither is this an academic exercise. Rate the questions based on "Which of these would I most like to hear Tom Waits answer":

1. If you could wind up a Cornell box with a Victrola crank would it sound like Swordfishtrombones?

2. In one of Matt Groening's Life Is Hell strips his two sons, Will and Abe, categorize the kind of cartoons they watch. They describe "classic" cartoons as being black and white, and that nothing much happens but the characters bounce their butts up and down to the funny old jazz music. Does the funny old jazz music of classic cartoons make your butt go up and down or does it take a Cuban marimba groove to make you switch your hips?

3. Shane McGowan - blow-dried prettyboy or Countrypolitan Crooner?

4. Bob Dylan once described himself as some combination of Sleepy John Estes and Mortimer Snerd. What combination of puppet and blues musician best characterizes your music? (note: Toppo Gigio is already taken)

5. Interviews with you have historically described your apparel as "shabby," "rumpled," and "non-descript" - completely ignoring your fashion innovations with hairnets, moustache wax in the eyebrows and alligator shoes. Do you feel like you've been misunderstood as a fashion icon?

6. What is the greatest of fats? Beef tallow, fatback or schmaltz?

7. Dave Brubeck made his drummer play in 7/8 time on the song "Unsquare Dance." Does that seem right to you?

8. In a death match of blues song titles, which one would win - "Give Me Back My Wig" or "Fattening Frogs for Snakes"?

9. I think your performance as Renfield in Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula was the greatest of all Renfields. Do you feel bad about blowing Dwight Frye off the screen, or did he have it coming?

Yes, ita. Not all bad guys are criminals.

Gawd, I lurves it when erikaj goes off on a Levinson lurve-fest!

Most detectives are probably Crosettis and Bolanders.

Yeah, that was refreshing.

Also, I think I may be in a little bit of love with Lewis already.

Not all bad guys are criminals.

I'm not sure what you mean by Bad Guys that's not criminal, and how I was supposed to know you meant something other than that.

I am interested in, however, knowing if the refutation of the points you made changes either your PoV or your argument.

Roughly:

4. Bob Dylan once described himself as some combination of Sleepy John Estes and Mortimer Snerd. What combination of puppet and blues musician best characterizes your music? (note: Toppo Gigio is already taken)

3. Shane McGowan - blow-dried prettyboy or Countrypolitan Crooner?

7. Dave Brubeck made his drummer play in 7/8 time on the song "Unsquare Dance." Does that seem right to you?

5. Interviews with you have historically described your apparel as "shabby," "rumpled," and "non-descript" - completely ignoring your fashion innovations with hairnets, moustache wax in the eyebrows and alligator shoes. Do you feel like you've been misunderstood as a fashion icon?

2. In one of Matt Groening's Life Is Hell strips his two sons, Will and Abe, categorize the kind of cartoons they watch. They describe "classic" cartoons as being black and white, and that nothing much happens but the characters bounce their butts up and down to the funny old jazz music. Does the funny old jazz music of classic cartoons make your butt go up and down or does it take a Cuban marimba groove to make you switch your hips?

8. In a death match of blues song titles, which one would win - "Give Me Back My Wig" or "Fattening Frogs for Snakes"?

And now I'm dying to know what this is all about. But I expect you'll fill us in in due time.

Number 4 is my favorite because, Puppet!Waits.

Are you serious? Because a. I frequently think I detect mockage in our conversation. and 2. That's the trouble with this job. Got nothing to do with... well, never mind.) And I think my mom's Had It with my Baltimore thing already, and she doesn't even know how deep it goes, so don't toy with me, bunky. Couldn't take it.ETA: Sigh. Loving Lewis eventually comes to a "Curse you and your inevitable betrayal!" moment but not for a Very Long Time. But Clark Johnson's being...winning makes for a lot.

brenda and I are collectively brilliant and pretty.

Are you serious?

Is this to me? (Oh, der. It's probably to Gus.)

(What? It isn't all about me? Also, I was thinking, "Wait, shouldn't I be in love with Lewis?")

I'm not sure what you mean by Bad Guys that's not criminal, and how I was supposed to know you meant something other than that.

I'm caught a little short here. The gradation between bad guy and criminal seems plain to me. Maybe I'm using terms that only mean what they mean to me.

I'll try. A bad guy stands you up. A criminal rapes you -- or in your case -- tries to and ends up in the hospital.

I missed the refutations of my points, so my PoV remains the same.