I am miserable. Mind-numbingly, cry-your-way-through-a-box-of-kleenex miserable. The short version (and really, the details are entirely unimportant) is that Crush!Boy most definitely does not share my feelings. And all I had to do to find that out was to stick my neck out and risk being all vulnerable.

Which culminated in a crying jag in front of a group of people who I'm just getting to know, which was embarrassing as hell, and then they were all really really really nice to me, which I can't even bear. It would have been easier if they had told me to suck it up and deal. I can't handle people being nice to me when they don't know me all that well, because all I can think is that if they knew me better they wouldn't be so nice.

To clear up any lingering doubt on my (stupid, stupid, stupid) part, Crush!Boy called me this morning and said "It seems like you're interested in me." I said "Actually, I don't know you very well, but I'd like to get to know you better; that's pretty much where I am."

He wasn't a jerk or anything; he was very kind, but said that he doesn't feel "that way" towards me, not looking for a relationship, etc., etc., I'm a great girl, etc., etc.

Other than the crushing disappointment and the overwhelming certainty that there is no human being on the face of the planet who will ever ever *ever* feel "that way" towards me, I'm also utterly embarrassed that he would feel he needed to say "Hey, do you like me? Because....DON'T!!!" I've had that happen to me before, a few years ago, and it's just moritfying, like I'm so repellent that the guy has to run a preemptive strike to stop me from naming our future babies. Like me being interested in him is such a horrible, horrible thing that he needs to cut me off at the knees.

(Can you imagine what a wreck I'd be if he had been mean about it? Because he really, truly, wasn't.)

It just comes down to (1) I was glaringly, embarrassingly obvious, like a big dopey 14-year-old; (2) Crush!Boy isn't interested in me; and (3) that makes me feel like every horrible thing I've ever been told about myself (i.e., "Boys will like you if you just lose some weight," courtesy of my mom, for 20 YEARS) is clearly true. And if it's not because I'm a big fat lump, then it has to be because of me, my personality, which is even worse.

And now I have to shower and go have lunch with one of my oldest friends, who's in town for the weekend, and I need to pull myself together and not cry all over him, because who wants to deal with that? I mean, *I* don't even want to deal with me right now.

I feel rotten. Which you may have already gathered.

Oh Steph. That sucks so much. The voices are so loud at times like these, and none of them are true. You're wonderful just as you are, and people like you even more when they get to know you, not less. I know that voice. It's hateful. Ease-ma to you.

{{Teppy}}

Oh, Steph. I'm so sorry. Many hugs to you.

{{{Teppy}}}

Tep, BTDT.ETA: Except for the weight thing, but I've got my own baggage, you guys know...

{{{Teppy}}} BTDT. Don't stop being the wonderful heart on your sleeve, woman that you are, because someone is going to love that about you someday. Someone even better than crush boy because he'll be right for you.

(Out of the shower now; still trying to stop crying before friend gets here.)

someone is going to love that about you someday. Someone even better than crush boy because he'll be right for you.

I sincerely don't believe that. I never have, to tell the truth, which is really sad, but I've never ever believed that anyone would ever love me. And so far, I haven't been proven wrong.

I'm hoping my friend will understand my weeping melodrama and my need for comfort food. I'm going to engage in a stereotype here, so be warned: he's gay, so I'm assuming he'll be sympathetic and willing to watch me eat my way through a gallon of ice cream.

Oh Steph, I hope lunch with your friend helps to drown out the voice, because the voice is wrong.

Oh Steph, I hope lunch with your friend helps to drown out the voice, because the voice is wrong.

And, see, I think 34 years of precedent is pretty strong proof.