Oh dear, Hil. Has the bleeding stopped now?

Mostly, I think. I changed the bandaid, and it's at least soaking the new one much more slowly.

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Slowly enough that it is clotting and stopping or soaking enough that we need to be worried?

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I think love at first sight isn't purely sexual. Or at least, isn't necessarily. Because there's also like, and dislike, at first sight. I've certainly seen someone, and before we've spoken, thought, "Oh, I bet that's someone I'll get along with." As we become more experienced, we get pretty good at unconsciously reading all sorts of things about people.

There was experiment I can't look up now because I think I lent the book out, but if I remember correctly, people were put in a room and told to form small groups without speaking. When they were allowed to talk, they found they'd been very good at sorting themselves into similar types. Extroverts, introverts, people who grew up in huge extended families, people whose parents divorced when they were young... they tended to clump together. We're better than we know at recognizing those we are like, and unlike.

I think love at first sight is sexual attraction plus that "recognition" of someone who has the traits we're looking for. Even if we're not conscious that we're looking for them. It is not the only way people form lasting romantic pairs, and it's not a sign that you're destined to be together, but I think it's often more than just sexual attraction that got lucky.

If you've got a pattern of forming abusive relationships, you may have to override your instincts, and see feelings of attraction as a danger sign until you learn to look for a different set of traits in other people.

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Slowly enough that it is clotting and stopping

This, I think. It hasn't totally stopped yet, but it definitely seems to be getting close to stopping.

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I like the way Strega thinks, and I want to read that study.

there's also like, and dislike, at first sight

Absolutely -- and sometimes you turn out to be wrong, and sometimes you turn out to be so right, and you've just saved a shitload of time.

Hil, you keeping it elevated?

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I knew immediately that I could trust ita, and liked her, before I ever met her at all. Same with Strega, and Polgara, Kristen, Tim, and some other folks I met online. And it's a relatively small number, considering how much time I've spent in internet communities.

So given Strega's post, is it just that the people I want in my tribe are especially good at getting themselves across with the written word? There's no body language, no real clue about race, class, socioeconomic status. I know little about Strega's family or upbringing or anything really, but she could come and stay with me. I'd trust she wouldn't Single White Female me.

I have a pattern of developing strong friendships with interesting, and devastating loyal people. Who also happen to be really fucking funny. And generous. And I tend to find that out after I've latched onto them like a baby koala.

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that "recognition" of someone who has the traits we're looking for. Even if we're not conscious that we're looking for them. It is not the only way people form lasting romantic pairs, and it's not a sign that you're destined to be together, but I think it's often more than just sexual attraction that got lucky.

I like the way Strega thinks too.

The very wrong book I like says:

There is an internal landscape, a geography of the soul; we search for its outlines all our lives.
Those who are lucky enough to find it ease like water over a stone, onto its fluid contours, and are home.
...
The shock of recognition had passed through my body like a powerful current. Just for a moment I had met my sort, another of my species.

It's the best description I have found.

So given Strega's post, is it just that the people I want in my tribe are especially good at getting themselves across with the written word?

To me, it is something else entirely. Something that comes across before or apart from the words. There are people that just fit. And people that don't. Nothing changes that for me.

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Yay me! Heh. I'll have to get that book back next time I see the friend I lent it to, because now it's really bugging me.

I think there are types it's easier to recognize online, because you do get a sense of how someone thinks from how they write. It reveals different things than body language, and some people are better at presenting an image, and some are better at interpreting it -- which is how you get the hoaxers, and the people who uncover them. But yeah, there are a lot of people I've never met that I'd happily give a spare key.

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I completely trust my immediate instincts when meeting people because they have served me well both in personal and business relationships.

This part of the equation so important:

If you've got a pattern of forming abusive relationships, you may have to override your instincts, and see feelings of attraction as a danger sign until you learn to look for a different set of traits in other people.

How I wish some of my dear friends would figure this out. It breaks my heart when I see my friends making the same mistake repeatedly. My GF has a strong attraction to a particular male type that just never ends up well. She knows it and tries to find the exception knowing full well it ain't gonna happen. She claims to be unable to find or be attracted to the good guys that I have had in my life. We debate this all the time.

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Hi, Buffistas, skipped like a MoFo, since I am sitting in the green green hills in southwestern Massachussetts in my best friend's GLORIOUS house. She has dial-up, though, so I won't be around here much untl next week.

Off to go sit on the porch and look at purty nature.

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