Monday is my dad's birthday. Normally I'd give him a book and/or the See's Little Pops I know he likes, but from what Mom told me of his condition, he could no longer appreciate either gift. So I'm thinking of sending flowers to both of them, something cheerful like daisies or sunflowers. Does that sound like a good idea?

There are so many practical details that I have no idea how to manage. Mostly I go about my everyday business and interests, though I've set aside some time each day to pray for my parents and generally spend time reflecting. But throughout I keep having thoughts like, "Bereavement fares--how do they work?" or, "Do I need to buy a new dress, or would that black sweater be respectful and appropriate with a nice skirt?" or, "Flower arrangements--do I go in with my brothers, or do we each send our own? If the latter, how do I know what's appropriate?" Stuff like that.

---

I think that sounds like a lovely idea for a birthday gift, Susan.

There are so many practical details that I have no idea how to manage. Mostly I go about my everyday business and interests, though I've set aside some time each day to pray for my parents and generally spend time reflecting. But throughout I keep having thoughts like, "Bereavement fares--how do they work?" or, "Do I need to buy a new dress, or would that black sweater be respectful and appropriate with a nice skirt?"

How does your family handle the ceremony surrounding death? Have you been to anything for other relatives, or close family friends? Will there be a wake, and a funeral, or memorial service, or something different? Do they usually do everything in the Funeral Parlor, or do they have a church service, as well?

Around here, I wear what I'd wear to church (although I try to stay away from anything too bright and peppy) for a funeral, and for my own Dad's funeral and wake, I did stick to black.

As for bereavement fares, each airline handles it differently. I know cousins who had to get a copy of their Dad's death certificate, so I don't know how many details you can iron out ahead of time. But, you could call whatever airline you'd typically take back home, and see what their requirements are, so that when it is time, you won't have to think; you can just refer to a checklist.

Where the flowers are concerned, this is something you can just discuss with your brothers now, or when it comes up in the conversation, or when you feel the time is right, or only once it is an issue--whatever feels most comfortable to you and them. Florists are used to coming up with big funeral arrangements on short notice. What you'll probably do is let your mother select her arrangement first. She may want something special, and then work around that. I know people who have gone in on arrangements with their siblings, and families who have each given their own arrangement. Sometimes, there is one arrangement from all the grandchildren. It depends on what you'd like to do, what your siblings would like to do, finances, and what your mom wants to do.

---

"Bereavement fares--how do they work?"

When I needed to fly back to NM for my dad's funeral, I just called the airlane and told the person I needed a bereavement fare. They were really nice about it. I would've rather just stuck my card in the computer kiosk, but for an interacting-with-a-person experience it wasn't bad.

Can't help you with the rest...I wouldn't send flowers myself, but maybe an audiobook? I sent my dad massage oil, as his wife said that it felt good to have the radiation spots rubbed.

---

Not acknowleding their birthdays, especially, strikes me as being disrespectful and tacky.

It is, Lyra. I hope he returns to the family soon and apologizes profusely.

I think I was just seeing situations of my own when you described things. Made me want to defend him a little. I have issues. But they are mine so I shouldn't get all projectile with them.

I'm fairly certain a relationship would never have worked out, but it would've been so much fun to try it. Le sigh.

Sorry you are going through this. Sometimes things are fun to just try, even if you really know they aren't going to last.

So I'm thinking of sending flowers to both of them, something cheerful like daisies or sunflowers. Does that sound like a good idea?

That sounds like a lovely idea to me, Susan. Never underestimate how much well-timed flowers can brighten a room and the people in them if they like flowers.

I need to set up my online bill paying, figure out a budget, mail a few checks for hopefully the last time, clean my house sans vacuum and try to figure out why I am already sweating today. Blerg.

I should also start figuring out what new vacuum to buy. Feh.

The online bill paying is a good thing though. A really good thing.

but for an interacting-with-a-person experience it wasn't bad.

This is a great description.

---

How does your family handle the ceremony surrounding death? Have you been to anything for other relatives, or close family friends? Will there be a wake, and a funeral, or memorial service, or something different? Do they usually do everything in the Funeral Parlor, or do they have a church service, as well?

The last family funeral (and the last Alabama funeral) I went to was my paternal grandmother's, when I was 18, so 16 years ago. Which is partly why I'm vague on this. But there's usually a viewing in the funeral parlor the night before the funeral, and then a church funeral, which I assume will be in my childhood church, because that's where the family burial ground is, even though my parents haven't gone there since I was 16. Not a wake per se, but people usually gather at the person's house before and after the funeral, and friends and relatives bring covered dishes and desserts.

The problem with clothes is I no longer own much of anything that would be considered church clothes by Alabama standards--my church in Seattle is much more casual, my last job was the same, and such dressy clothes as I do have I doubt fit my post-pregnant body. I can just barely still wear my old interview suit, and it's more loosely tailored than most of the dresses in my closet.

Probably the sensible thing is to do a little shopping next week. The skirt and sweater would be fine for the viewing, I think, and it's better to look for a dress now than to have to do it in 24 hours while trying to pack and make last-minute arrangements to catch a flight.

---

Yes, it is better to look ahead of time, I think. And if you find something, pack it right away. You might want to pre-pack a few things, or make a list, so you have less stress when the time comes.

I remember shopping for clothes for me, for my dad's wake and funeral, after he died. My two youngest kids were sick, and it was the middle of a blizzard, and I'd spent most of the week by my father's bedside, hadn't slept, and had dropped 10 or 15lbs in the week. Shopping was a nightmare-joke. I ended up getting things I didn't really like on me, but they were presentable enough.

I think what you've called the viewing is what we call a wake up here, and it's either held over the course of two days (only in the evening two days before the funeral, and then on the afternoon and evening, on the day before the funeral), or just the day before (afternoon and evening). Then the funeral is either in the church, or at the funeral parlor, depending on the family's preferences. My Catholic friends' funerals are always from the church.

Do any of your brothers live near your folks, to help your mom make arrangements and whatnot?

---

VCOB lives about 20 miles away, and all but one of Dad's living brothers and sisters live within a mile of them--my grandfather had a farm, and he parceled out the land among his children, so they all live within sight of the old farmhouse.

What's really weird is to think that in 10-15 years there may be no more of my family living in that community. Even those of my cousins who've stayed local live closer to Birmingham, and a lot of us have scattered. And as the city grows southward, there are subdivisions not three miles from my parents' house, in what in my childhood was as rural and blue collar an area as you could possibly imagine.

DH lost his father very early and very suddenly--he died of a heart attack, pretty much out of the blue, at age 47, while DH was in college. So he has some personal experience of what I'm going through. We both think it's likely my mom will sell the house within a year--I hope she moves in with her sister Brenda, who lives by herself, fairly close to VCOB. Mom is very healthy for her age, so I don't think it'd make sense for her to go into assisted living, but I doubt she'll want to live alone. But that's all up to her.

---

I was rejected

Arse. Silly tart.

Nevertheless, you get a HousePoint for trying, even if drunk. Nothing ventured, and all that.

it's better to look for a dress now than to have to do it in 24 hours while trying to pack and make last-minute arrangements to catch a flight.

Word.

---

I remember packing to go home for what turned out to be my dad's final illness. I packed a black velvet dress, just in case. It felt bad but oddly comforting to do it, as it was going to be one more thing I wasn't going to have to worry about once I was there. Better to think about trivialities now, than having them clutter up your mind later, when you will need all your strength and energy to focus on your family.

---

Hey, buddy, welcome to the "I Gave 'em My Heart, they gave me a pen," society. Glad to have you...wouldn't want to be that big a schlemiel by myself. I bet if I got drunk everything I'd send out would make perfect sense, since I could do that sober...nah, just kidding. If this was a movie, *we'd* hook up now. IJS.

---