Susan, don't feel guilty about taking her to get assessed. I know I told you that Mom took my brother in even though she was a speech therapist and was pretty sure he'd turn out okay. But he wasn't talking soon enough and it freaked her out and started the guilt thing.

No matter what, don't let a doctor have your peace of mind. Because if there is something wrong, there could be a number of them and they could be more fucked-up than you! Trust me. Try to find your peace of mind in you, Grasshopper. Gotta go..."Taking My Own Advice" workshop starts in twenty. ;)

I just really don't know what I'm doing, or if I'm doing any of it right at all. And I don't know if it's too late to fix anything I've done wrong, like I've missed a developmental window, because I've been avoiding all the child development books to try to keep myself from freaking out like this.

Get ye to a book store and grab yourself a copy of Mommy Guilt, STAT. Which I will do, as soon as I stop being cheap and just reading it on the sly.

We were given three child books. The only one that's worth a damn is this one: [link]

It's quite mind-easing.

OK. I'm going to call the pede's office, say what I'm worried about and why, and ask what resources they recommend, given that Dr B is on vacation, to make sure everything is OK, whether that's going to one of the other doctors in the clinic, getting the assessment through the public health people, etc. And I'm going to say that I'm serious about this, and that while I understand I'm probably worried when she's perfectly normal, if she is normal, someone needs to take the time to talk with me seriously, hear my concerns, and explain why they're unfounded. No happy little "of course she's normal" handwaves allowed.

I have the Leach book. I'll have to get it off the shelves and see if I can handle reading it--I gave up on What to Expect after realizing I was way overanalyzing their monthly development charts. I'll look for Mommy Guilt.

Time for Annabel's dinner....

Best of luck to you and Dylan and Annabel about the tests, btw. My Crip Power thing doesn't extend to recruitment. The community would love to have her but be just as glad for her if it were otherwise. I have enough toasters for influencing Buffista movie rental habits. And if there's something, it's not because you were bad, right? You didn't give her anything.

What to Expect is ooky. It makes me cranky. The Leach book is soothing and very much non-lecturing.

Your plan sounds good.

Susan, I would hate to think that you feel piled on when you're obviously so worried, especially with Plei's observations about how wonderful you are with A. There has got to be another mother's group for you. A friend in Seattle who has a baby nearly the same age as Princess Tickybox had one set up for her comprised only of first time mothers who meet for the first few months to talk and support each other. I'm happy to ask her for the name of the the organization & whether they have something the first few months. She mentioned something about toddlers, but I can't remember.

But the thing is, I really don't know what the hell I'm doing.

The thing is, neither does anybody else.

Really.

Nobody knows what the hell they are doing. Not even the experts. A college friend of mine is a pediatrician. Her kid had an untreated broken bone for a day and a half because her mom, the pediatrician, didn't think it needed xrays.

But you know the important part of that story, the story that makes you cringe?

THE KID WAS FINE. She just got splinted a day late.

You have to screw up, repeatedly and abusively, for a long time before you damage a child's development. Babies are unbelievably resilient, and they do their little baby duty (learning how to deal with their bodies and the world) just fine.

There are tribes that spend hours teaching their kids to sit up by propping them on piles of sand. The kids don't sit any earlier or later than any other baby. There are tribes that don't bother talking to babies because what's the point? It isn't as if they talk back. Their babies learn to talk just fine. (Note that these babies aren't isolated all day with a silent parent; rather, they're observing their parents talking to other adults.)

Whether or not your princess develops slowly, it won't be your fault; you're feeding her, stimulating her, and letting her sleep. The rest is up to her, not to you.

Cindy, I'm glad you found my comments kind...I've been working hard on staying "on message" lately so wondered if I was being polemical or something instead of trying to be caring. And I really don't know that much about little kids. But I do know what self-flagellation feels like, so I felt bad, you know...

I had an email yesterday from Mid-Boss saying that Big-Boss wanted people to go out to lunch with New Hire. She asked if I could go with her and New Hire today. I said yes, and now I've gotten a bill for lunch. A bill that is more than I'd spend on my lunches for a week. I'm fuming. Am I crazy to think that when Big-Boss and Mid-Boss tell me it would be a good idea to go out to lunch with someone, they're paying?