When I met my husband to be, I had filters that I thought were important that I discarded. Maybe not even discarded, but rather than being complete barriers to a relationship, they were issues we had to work through.

Before him I stuck with guys long after I should have bailed (not because they were psycho, just because we weren't really that compatible) because they seemed to have the qualities I thought I was looking for.

{{Gud}}

I am pretty much with Plei on the cat thing, though I am actually more of a pet person than a cat person. I just can't imagine not have a pet of some sort.

This. I am staunchly pro-mammal; love cats, love dogs, love rabbits, love guinea pigs and hamsters and mice and rats, feel perfectly certain that I would love horses and alpacas and gerbils and chinchillas had I the opportunity to own them.

And it's hugely important to me that Hec is also pro-mammal. He had a wonderful dog as a kid, wants to own pets as soon as we're in a living situation that permits them, and he even genuinely likes my cats. He's not a crazy scary cat-hater making jokes about how much he likes them, especially with some fava beans and a good Chianti; he just plain likes them. He's handled my cats before and has enjoyed conversing with the chatty Matilda and admiring the shy beauty of Toby, and I feel pretty certain that if he weren't allergic, he'd have ended up being one of those guys who grumps about cats and crazy cat owners while absently scritching the little black kitty behind the ears as she butts her head into his armpit. But he is allergic -- itchy, scratchy, red-faced and weepy-eyed and wheezing like crazy within half an hour.

And he has Emmett, who is more severely allergic and was not quite seven when we became engaged. I might possibly have asked Hec to go through allergy treatments, but how could I ask that of Emmett, whose life was already about to be massively disrupted and changed with exactly zero percent of it under his own control? There was absolutely no way.

And, truthfully, I adore my cats, and when I was sunk in the worst of my depression they served exactly the same purpose for me that Toto has for vw, and for that I'm eternally grateful. But they have tiny brains. Big kitty hearts but tiny, wee, tiny little tiny brains. And when we'd found a friend with a big comfy house who fell in love with them and wanted them there, they were freaky and maladjusted for about a day and a half and then they mellowed, and now they're deeply attached to their current humans and barely remember me. Sucks for me, but it's good for them. I didn't want them to be traumatized and suffering; I wanted them to be someplace they felt protected and loved and lavished with affection, and for them to do fine, and that's exactly how it turned out.

Plei's right: we were totally blindsided. It was supposed to be a casual, short-term, no-strings thing, so it hardly mattered that he was allergic, until there was love and tangled hearts and minds and a door had opened onto decades (God willing) of partnership; as dearly as I loved my cats, I couldn't close that door. Possibly I could have ruled the whole thing out from the beginning, but I can't begin to picture where my life would be, the chances I'd have missed, if I'd done that.

Though to reiterate: if Hec had been actively cat-hatey, hostile and contemptuous, I'd've sacked his ass.

ION, Fay rocks out loud.

Just (nervously) checking: Raquel, did you get an email from me yesterday or today?

Did you tell them, "Nah -- some of them don't even have pages. I hollowed them out to hide my hooch,"?

That's an idea!

what makes them think they have anything to offer you? That is an amazing conceit on their part.

Maybe I've reached a desperate age? I look less moral? I'm not sure. Or, maybe, that many men that I meet now are married. They do need to keep it to themselves (the attraction, not the married bit -- there have been a couple that got confused on that score).

yet if I suddenly found myself alone and wanting to find someone new, there would be a lot of filters in place that have to do with who I am *now*.

I worry that this is the case for me now -- do I have too many things in the filter, that I didn't have when I was younger and that wouldn't really be a barrier in the unlikely event of meeting someone who otherwise should be compatible. Or, as always, what scrappy said.

Sorry I keep bringing up my problems, It's just really weighing on me right now.

I couldn't do an affair, it would just be wrong. Aside from the moral problems, I also don't understand where guys get the time to have an affair.

I don't know what my filters are. Maybe that's where my problems start- I have no focus. All I know is that being able to make me laugh so hard I pee is a plus.

So, I suppose a neat-freak is out of the question.

I also don't understand where guys get the time to have an affair.

Also they're assholes who aren't doing a big chunk of parenting and building their kids spaceships and such.

Dammit, Gud. You're doing so much good, hard work and getting so little back. I wish there was some way to make things good and right and fair. I wish Emaryn's ship was real and you could climb in and flip the toggle switches and zoom off to someplace happy and loving. I wish my wishes did a damn bit of good.

do I have too many things in the filter

Some of mine would be tough, too, because Stephen is an awesome dad. So not only would a potential new guy have to like kids in general, he'd have to be understanding, patient, willing to play, etc. Or at least willing to try.

Of course, this only applies to me if Stephen gets run over by a bus or some such (God forbid), so I'm not too worried.

I also don't understand where guys get the time to have an affair.

Stephen's office had a lunch meeting in a local park last week, and they actually witnessed an affair-in-progress. The couple -- two adults in business garb -- pulled up in separate cars, he got into hers, they proceeded to make out for a while, and then he got back in his car and they left.

Of course, it could have been a cute married couple who wanted to fool around at lunchtime, but Stephen said he got a distinctly shifty, guilty vibe from both of them.