I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a girl he met in a restaurant who then turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to a childhood lover who she'd last seen on a deserted island and who turned out 15 years later to the the leader of the French Underground.

I know, it -- it sounds like some bad movie.

It's a Cosby sweater! A COSBY SWEAT-AH!

Not everyone is meant to make a difference. But for me, the choice to lead an ordinary life is no longer an option.

"I cahn't stahnd him."

"I keean steean im!"

I look like fucking Stevie Nicks!

I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.

Good? Bad? I'm the guy with the gun.

Yeah, that's nice right? Well, it doesn't exist, ok? Look at the hair. The hair is long, it's flowing, it's like a river. Well, it's a fucking weave ok? And the tits, please! I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits by design were invented to be suckled by babies. Yes, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being too unruly and all. Very key. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bullshit. Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved... These are not real women, all right? They're beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs, hi Bob, and our cellulite feel somehow inadequate. Well I don't buy it, all right? But you fucking mooks, if you think that if there's a chance in hell that you'll end up with one of these women, you don't give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It's pathetic. I don't know what you think you're going to do. You're going to end up eighty years old, drooling in some nursing home, then you're going to decide, it's time to settle down, get married, have kids? What, are you going to find a cheerleader? Charge it, Mitch.

I have always valued my lifelessness.

I t heart juliana!