Oh, count your lucky stars. The meltdown happened in realtime on the show's official Bronze message board just before Season 4 finished airing, IIRC. It wasn't pretty.

The Parable of the Knight!!!

heh. i can't believe somebody didn't archive that for the masses. last time i looked it up it was still active. not so anymore.

Quoted from the Futon Critic recap, on the lack of Emmys:

Sarah: "You know, we have the fans, and that's better than any award from some panel that sits in a room...."

Oh yeah. Real bitch there.

The Parable of the Knight is available on archive.org

Before I was a fan of the show, I was a little, piddling extra on one of the episodes. SMG was sick, the shoot was delayed elevnty-billion hours because of a casting call time, it was outdoors, it was FREEZING, and the shoot lasted for freaking ever (until 3 am IIRC), and there was a group of fucktard extras that were just screwing around and being ridiculous. But SMG *still* signed stuff for people on set, between takes. So totally not a bitch.

The Parable of the Knight by J.P.

Once there was a young man who trained himself to be a Knight...

Others around him said, "You cannot become a Knight. There are no Knights here in this God-forsaken village. Knights live in a far away land into which you must be born. It is a fantasy. You are a young fool."

And they laughed at him. But his Mother said to him, "Try son. This village is worthless and nothing good will come of you should you stay here." So he did try. He had no other choice. For around him was nothingness.

After countless battles across many lands the young man did indeed become a real Knight - just as he had dreamed. Yet he wandered and had no home of his own. He merely fought each battle as they came and lived from day to day. And he was alone.

One day a brilliant young King (that until recently had only been a Prince in a Royal Family) called upon him. Many glorious plans had the King and he needed a Knight to fulfill them. The overjoyed Knight went forth and battled with all his heart. And the King, seeing this, looked around and said to his other servants, "Why didn't I have this guy from the start?"

The Knight had never fought for a King so young before. He seemed to know the things the Knight knew. The Knight saw that this King could be one worth serving and he made a vow that he would never take off his helmet until every battle had been won for this King. And it was good.

Yet there was trouble brewing beneath the surface in the Kingdom. The Generals felt that only they should give commands on the battlefield and seethed with jealousy inside themselves at every commandment put forth by the Knight. The young Knight continued to win every battle. What could they say to the King against him? So they plotted and waited.

The King's Blacksmith had always made swords for the battle. But the Knight saw that they were unwieldy and unreliable. The King's friend, Sir David, called upon the Knight himself to make swords that he felt were good for his battles. For after all, was not the Knight the one who made the battle plans? Who should know better, he thought, the Knight who fights with the sword or the Blacksmith who merely watched battles from the sidelines? Besides, did the Blacksmith not have much better skills at building the King's devices and such? And was the Blacksmith not overburdened with tasks? "Then let the young Knight build the swords for his own battles," he said.

The Blacksmith did seethe with rage at this and quietly plotted. Sword making was his domain, he felt. The Carpenter also was upset. For every time he built a beautiful house, the Knight and his fellow Knights would battle and destroy it. Often the Knights would move aside the works of the Carpenter so that they could make a great battle for the King. The Carpenter was indignant. For he was a Master Carpenter. "Who does this young Knight think he is?" they grumbled among themselves. But the King was pleased. For all of the people in the Land of Bronze saw the battles and appreciated the work of the Knight. And it was good.

Even the spoiled Princess saw that it was good. And she was known for hating all things. The young Knight had her twin, the Handmaiden, performing all the Royal duties in her place. The people of lands far away who saw this were amazed, thinking the Princess truly skilled at performing the Royal duties when in fact it was her Handmaiden all along. Though the Princess despised all other women in the Kingdom, she could not fault the Knight, for his use of the Handmaiden proved good for her and she was made to seem great in the eyes of the people. And so she tolerated the Handmaiden.

Then the Blacksmith did build a new device for the Royal duty of the Handmaiden. Seeing that it was not good, the Knight requested that it be changed. The Blacksmith replied with anger that this was his device and he knew best. Then while performing the Royal duty, the Handmaiden was nearly slain by the faulty device. The Knight had been right all along.

Seeing (continued...)

( continues...) the near-death of this wonderful Handmaiden, the Knight realized that he could one day lose her to such faulty devices. Royal duties as these are dangerous indeed. So the Knight asked the Handmaiden for her hand in marriage. And it was good. And all rejoiced. And in the background, the Blacksmith did quietly burn with anger again.

Then came the time for the horses to be brought into battle. And the young Knight found that the saddles were not good and he wondered at this. And word came to him from a kindhearted old Messenger. "Take heed," warned the Messenger, "for the Horseman is with the Blacksmith and the Generals and they plot to see you fail." "How could this be?" thought the Knight, "For they all declare their friendship to me." The Messenger shook his head and told the young Knight, "Trust not in what is said. Only what is real. For this is the Kingdom of lies that you now live in." The young Knight was heartbroken, but hoped that the kindly old Messenger was wrong. "I will try harder in my battles," the Knight said to himself, "then everyone will forget to hate when the Kingdom flourishes beyond all expectations."

And the Knight did try with all his might. And he placed his beloved Handmaiden in great peril and pain to secure for the Princess a high place among the other Royals of the land. He made certain that all battles were won and that the Princess was kept safe. And the King saw that it was good. And the people of Bronze did rejoice. And the Town Criers called out the name of the Knight and said, "This is an Artiste." And they placed his name in a book. And all in the Kingdom saw it.

The young Knight marveled at all this. Sir David said to him, "The King and I feel that you are more than a mere Knight. We think of you as our Artist." And the young Knight went to his new home that he purchased with the money won from his many battles and stared out at the lights of the Land of Bronze. And he swelled with pride.

He triumphantly returned to his Mother's side after being gone for so many years and showed her these things. His Mother rejoiced. The other villagers looked on in amazement. "Could this be the same young man who played at being a Knight as a boy?" they thought. "These things cannot happen." But, in fact, it had all happened. He was a real Knight after all.

As time moved forward the Knight continued to battle everyday. While his fellow Knights went away to another land and were given many provisions and time to plan carefully laid out battles with many new weapons, he found himself being summoned to battles in small places with no provisions and only a moment's notice, all alone but for his Handmaiden. And yet he continued to win every single battle without fail. And the Kingdom continued to prosper.

But as time went on the battles became more intense and the other servants resented having to deal with them. They all wanted to give up the fight and no longer cared about the battles. They began to lash out at one another and made it difficult when the Knight showed up for his duties. By then they wanted only to have their pay and forget the battle. The will of the King meant nothing to them and they could not understand the Knight's determined ways.

The Princess herself had become full of jealousy at the way the Knight proclaimed to all the people of the Bronze that his own much-loved Handmaiden performed the Royal duties. The Knight's constant boasting of the wonderful Handmaiden's exploits caused the Princess to desire a way to kill the Handmaiden. But the King would not have it. The Handmaiden was important to the success of the Kingdom. Though he would never dare utter this in front of the jealous Princess. Nor did he want the Handmaiden to know this.

The number one General, the one who always sits beside the other Generals and actually controls the comings and goings within the Kingdom, became drunk on his wine one night. He blatantly proclaimed that he would have this Knight who dared to make commands on the battlefield killed, but in a way that was (continued...)

( continues...) very sneaky indeed. For he was known for being able to carefully manipulate the fatherless Princess and he made sure that any who seemed a threat to him should die at her order or by the order of his old friend the Sheriff. He drew near the angry Blacksmith and his cohorts and made secret plans. The number one General secretly felt that he was wiser than the King and the other Generals in all ways and was determined that no one would control the Kingdom but he. And he would not dare allow a lowly Knight to determine the course of the battles. For that was more than he would allow in HIS Kingdom. The General had to play his hand carefully, but this was what he reveled in most. He would get his way in time, he thought. After all, he was much wiser than the youthful King. And the cohorts grinned. And the Princess and the General did whisper together out of sight of the King.

Yet the King seemingly stood by the Knight and would not hear of it. Especially when the valuable Handmaiden proclaimed to the Sheriff that she would leave the Kingdom should anything happen to her Knight. All seemed stable in the Kingdom, despite the whispered plots.

So the cohorts of the court schemed and lied and met with the Sheriff of the Kingdom. The Sheriff, being the one who gave the General his position, always followed his plans without question, so the General knew that he could easily manipulate him through careful use of the others in the court. And by carefully steering the will of the vengeful Princess. But how could they kill the Knight as long as the King was with him? Then they realized something. As in previous Kingdoms before, the Princess had now become even more important to the Kingdom than the King who founded it. If the Princess realized that by killing the Knight she could be rid of the despised Handmaiden, then she would truly show her power to all and rule the Kingdom.

The cohorts began their work and with constant bickering and careful manipulation continually sought to cause the Knight grief. Many foul tricks ensued and the Knight was perplexed and slowly began to feel the enormous burden of his position as never before. Yet he held firm. Then, when nearly unable to stand it another moment, the message came that his Mother was dead.

Instead of leaving his duties the Knight held fast. The people of his old village were aghast. How could he stay there in that Kingdom of snakes and help them to prosper when his own Mother lay dead? The Knight still refused to leave his post. He wept over his Mother outside the battlefield and continued his fight for the King. He would not leave until the battles were won. Only then would he leave to visit his Mother's last resting-place. He felt no need to explain to her why he had done what he had. It was his Mother that had taught him about strength and loyalty.

Upon his return to the Kingdom he felt overcome with grief and anguish. The cohorts in the court kept up their plot. And he began to feel that all his efforts were unappreciated but for the people of the Land of Bronze. So he spoke out to them, as they seemed to be his only friends. His honesty only caused the Princess and others to grow angrier.

And one night while showing the battle plan to one of the Generals, the Princess made the kind of condescending remark that she had become known for around the Kingdom among the servants. This time she aimed her venom at the over-worked and beleaguered Knight. And for the first time someone in the Kingdom dared to answer back to her. And the Knight said, "If you've got a better idea then why not show me?" And with that the Princess stormed off. Armed with the claim that the Knight had abused her and dared to speak in such a tone to the Princess, she had the ammunition she needed to carry out the plan. The cohorts were gleeful.

Therefore it was by order of the Princess that the Knight should no longer plan the battles. She boasted that he would not live to see the sunrise in the Kingdom. The Sheriff was sent down to calm her and he agreed with her (continued...)

( continues...) that the Knight would die, but secretly and in due time.

The King himself was soon due to take the battlefield. He didn't want to risk losing his Knight or his Handmaiden at this crucial time. He tried to continue the battles, but when the Princess saw that the Knight was still there she refused to come out to join the King. He needed the Princess to fulfill his plans and she made it clear that only the head of the Knight was going to satisfy her. This weighed heavily on the King for there was still much to be done.

The cohorts and the evil number one General rejoiced. Often he and the others had mocked the King and the Knight by calling them "The Artists" behind their backs. He felt that soon the Kingdom would be fully controlled by his deceptive hand. For he knew very well the hold that the Princess had on the King and he knew he was the one who could manipulate both the Princess and the Sheriff. He had carefully maneuvered to make it so for a long, long time. He would eliminate any he felt threatened his rise to power. All the while playing the innocent advisor to the Sheriff.

While the cohorts smirked among themselves, many of the servants spoke secretly to the Knight to warn him of the evil around him. Listening to their many sorry tales, the Knight even began to doubt the King himself and wondered if the King realized at all that he was being laughed at and used by the Princess and the General in secret. The other servants worried too and were filled with dread. Most of them had to greet the Princess and the General with false smiles, though in their hearts they hated the kind of evil dealt to their fellows. They could only watch the fate of the Knight and worry that they could be next.

Promises were made secretly. The Kingdom must continue to generate its great riches. So the Sheriff was determined to speak any lie needed to secure the services of the Knight for the King until the end of the last great battle of the year. Therefore the Princess then determined to fool the Knight. Just as she had her own dear friend before cutting off her head years before. And just as the friend had trusted in her and the words spoken by the Sheriff that "all was well" so too did the Knight and his Handmaiden.

After the LAST GREAT BATTLE the King was again pleased. The Knight had once again created victory with the King's army under impossible circumstances and all seemed well. The Princess now thanked the Knight for having stood by her in the battles and making her appear so heroic to her people. And that was something she had never done before. Even the General himself exclaimed that the Knight had performed in a magnificent way in the LAST GREAT BATTLE. Thus at last with the praise of the Princess, the General, and the Sheriff still with him, the Knight finally could feel that all was well. Even many of the cohorts sought to shake the hand of the Knight. How could he doubt that things were not good once again?

And now after three years of battles, the name of the Princess and the King had become known around the world. All the Royals knew them and wanted their company. After all, were they not the famous ones who always won the battles? Things seemed right again in the Kingdom. And so after considering the offer of a Foreign King, the Knight felt that his place was truly secure in the Kingdom and decided to stay to fight for his one true King - no matter what.

So the Knight and the Handmaiden retired to their new home. Tired and bloodied from the battles on and off the field. Then the message came. The Sheriff has sent word that the Knight is no longer needed and will not be welcomed into the Kingdom again. The evil plan had worked after all and the comfort the Knight had taken in finally trusting the Princess and the Sheriff proved as vacuous as the servants had claimed they were. The Knight had simply been used to attain a final battle.

Yet he still had the support of the King, didn't he? The King's Right Hand Man informed the Knight that the King would send him a message soon (continued...)