I finally put my nose to the grindstone and rented some of the Angel DVDs last week now that they're available. So here, a mere 15 months late, is the 5-minute recap for "Soul Purpose":
LINDSEY: What's a champion like you doing in a seedy strip club like this?
SPIKE: Sorry mate, you're not my type.
RECAPPER: Show him a surveillance cam photo of Angel choking you and see how long that lasts.
SPIKE: You brought me back from the dead?
LINDSEY: Yep. With no ulterior motives whatsoever. Say, wanna buy a bridge?
SPIKE: Who are you?
LINDSEY: Name's Doyle. I'm on a mission from God.
WESLEY: I say we attack now.
GUNN: I say we let his flunkies do it for us.
WESLEY & GUNN: Angel! Tell him we should do it my way!
ANGEL: Yep, probably just as well that I missed out on that whole raising kids thing.
VICTIM #243: Help! Eeeek!
VAMPIRE: Piss off, pal.
SPIKE: Pardon? I didn't hear that over the sound of you dusting.
AUDIENCE: This seems strangely familiar...
VICTIM #243: Oh, thank you! He was going to kill me!
SPIKE: Pinheaded bint, why not play blind man's bluff in traffic while you're at it?
FRED: We could totally nuke the site from orbit. If, y'know, we were evil.
ANGEL: Calgon, take me away!
WESLEY: Who better to set off your insecurities about betrayal and irrelevance than I?
LORNE: Oh, I can think of a name or two.
GUNN: Word.
SPIKE: This double dusting move is wicked.
AUDIENCE: Wow, it's deja vu all over again.
EVE: I'd stop to smarm at you longer, but I need to speak to Angel.
WESLEY: Long coffee break. Perhaps I can help you?
EVE: Maybe you can figure out this little diver—er, I mean mysterious tablet.
FRED: Angel? You look like death warmed over. Let's play "operation."
ANGEL: What are you doing?
FRED: Just seeing what makes you tick. Look—Gunn was right about your heart being a dried up little walnut. Oooh, a pearl necklace.
AUDIENCE: This is just disturbing on so many levels.
FRED: Raisins! Yummy.
RECAPPER: Between the porn symbolism and what his heart looked like, you might want to take a pass on eating those.
FRED: Huh. Your soul is like a neglected household pet, floating dead in the water. Thank you, Bear.
SMOKEY: Just glad to be of service, since most of the flaming on this show can't be put out with dirt and a shovel.
LINDSEY: Welcome to the Pratcave.
SPIKE: I'm not entirely comfy with being set up like someone's mistress.
LINDSEY: You're just being paranoid. Now take this money and buy yourself something pretty to wear.
SPIKE: Oooooh...
BUFFY'S STUNT WIG: Aaaaah...
ANGEL: When did my bed get switched with Hef's?
BUFFY'S STUNT WIG: Every time I say the word "prom," you get grouchy.
ANGEL: You're taking Buffy to the prom? We are so breaking up!
AUDIENCE: If this is Angel's dream, why does it give him a better view of Spike in bed with him than of Buffy?
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR: Because Bill Gates doesn't have enough money to get me back for this scene, nevermind Joss.
ANGEL: I'm all unkempt and sloppy. Either this is a nightmare, or Hell finally put in that ice rink I requested.
LORNE: Quiet down, you're making us miss the Apocalypse.
EVERYBODY: Hooray for Spike!
SPIKE: Aw shucks, tweren't nothing.
FRED: You saved the world and turned it into a beautiful happily-ever-after candy mountain place where all our dreams come true. Look, the Blue Fairy is here to turn you into a real boy!
LORNE: Stop stealing my limelight, Smurfette!
EVERYBODY: Let's hear it for Spike!
ANGEL: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still have not received my paycheck and they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it.
LAWYERS: We have one more gift for you. A trademark infringement lawsuit from the Walt Disney Company.
(continued...)