The one thing that always stood out to me as a monologue was spike's "You're not friends, you'll never be freinds.... I may be love's bitch, but at least I am man enough to admit it" Again, it would probably have to be cobbled. Here is a go at it

I used to bring her rats. With the morning paper.

Look, I just need a few supplies, and then I'll take you to... (stops and grabs his head) Oh, God. : Oh... My head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. (bends over) Oh, God. I wish I was dead. Oh, God.

We killed a homeless man on this bench. Me and Dru. Those were good times.

You know, he begged for mercy, and you know, that only made her bite harder.

SHUT UP!

What do you know? It's your fault, the both of you! She belongs with me. (sobs) I'm nothing without her.

What-- I'm pathetic! You're one to talk.

The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave. (turns away)

Oh, yeah. You're just friends.

) You're *not* friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. (points at his temple) Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... (clasps his chest) blood screaming inside you to work its will.

*I* may be love's bitch, but at least *I'm* man enough to admit it.

Hmm! (grabs the bottle) Eye of rat.

I don't know if you want male or female-- I am betting one could cobble together a Drusilla, Darla, Willow, or maybe Buffy from several episodes, but none is springing to mind.

Xander's Dadaist pep talk? [link]

Having taught drama to that age kids for several years, may I suggest something more accessible to them. Buffy is an old show to 14-year-olds. If it is a performing arts school, you might use a famous soliliquy, Like Hamlet's "To be or not to be" and change it around to use your subject matter and your new teacher status in some silly way. Being self-aware and a bit ironic will go over better than being sincere and falling short in any way.

Yeah, my real goal was "something funny." Buffy came to mind mostly because, you know, I like it and sometimes it's really funny. But I'm definitely starting to think that the wit/humor is a) too subtle for the average ninth grader and b) requires more background than I can give them to really be developed.

Oh well. Thanks for the help.

Rewriting "To be" from a math teacher perspective is a fun idea. Our English teacher is going to do a classical ballet piece in which she falls in love with a book.

Actually, I could probably sing some slightly modified version of "Seasons of Love" from Rent that really plays off the whole numbers thing, too.

I'd love to read Pooh, but, yeah, not gonna go over. This is my first chance to impress them a little. Pooh is for six months in, when they like me and want to hear that I love them, which is what Pooh is all about. It's a read-aloud-to-people-you-love book. Right now, being funny or interesting is the goal.

How about Irving Kaplansky's song about pi?

3 1 41 Oh (5) my (9), here's (2) a (6) song (5) to (3) sing (5) about (8,9) pi (7).
Not a sigma or mu but a well-known Greek letter too.
You can have your alphas and the great phi-bates, and omega for a friend,
But that's just what a circle doesn't have--a beginning or an end.
3 1 4 1 5 9 is a ratio we don't define;
Two pi times radii gives circumf'rence you can rely;
If you square the radius times the pi, you will get the circle's space.
Here's a song about pi, fit for a mathematician's embrace.

Scroll down for a random puppet Spike.

Oy.

Rest of the stuff is pretty funny too.

Oh, that's awful. Love the Monty Python Horse Kit, though.

'Wrecked' is bad. But those shots of the floor in the crack den turning into a forest of the most vivid green and then, the beast, appearing and disappearing, dragging a woman's body behind are good. So dark and strange and too good for their surrounds.

Nicholas Brendon is getting good reviews in a play running in Los Angeles. (registration or bugmenot required for LA Times)

It's a play about Salvador Dali's brief stint working at Disney. Dali is played by...Noah Wylie.

It's a play about Salvador Dali's brief stint working at Disney.

Lobster Alice! Huzzah!

(It debuted at the Jungle Theater right when I moved back to the Cities. Actually not a large fan of the play, but glad to see more exposure.)