Susan, I do not have any advice about your current scene, but I do think you would like to read this: [link]

Here are a couple of excerpts for your appreciation:

I learned way more history from those historical romances than I did in any of my history classes, including college. ...

Let me just say for the record that if you haven't read historical romances you shouldn't be too quick to sneer at calling them history lessons. You might be surprised at how much research the good writers put into their books. They take their craft very seriously.

I am doing editing of a long story. Unfortunately, a long, dull story. The style is intentionally old-fashioned and mannered, and if I weren't editing it, I wouldn't have continued this far. However, I have a job to do, so I shall soldier on.

I now have great sympathy for editors, who don't always get to read for pleasure.

Connie, if it's dull, is there a way to make it not dull? Does it need long passages cut? Do you need to do something else?

Would you rather discuss this in email? I just posted this here out of existential angst.

I've always wanted to use that in a sentence. Existential angst.

I'm hip, Connie. One of my volunteer jobs involves some of the worst disability writing on the earth. But I can't say that.

Hey Connie, I probably should have dropped you a line. I answered your e-mail.

Erika, yeah, reading slush has given me a great deal of appreciation for your work.

Sorry about the back channel chatter everyone.

It turned out my action scene wasn't as much of a problem as I thought once I actually got to the writing of it. But now I have another dilemma.

I have a character who, for various reasons, has in my readers' minds a sign reading "Big Damn Hero" above his head wherever he goes. And he really is a BDH. Or he will be by the story's end. But when the story opens, he's thrust into a situation where everything that's a source or pride and identity to him is stripped away. (Picture a 9/11-type situation, only in many ways more drastic, AND he's forced to become a fugitive, so he doesn't even have his name or any kind of stability to cling to. And for the first few chapters he doesn't even have anyone to confide in other than a none-too-clever young man who's lost even more of his world than our BDH did.) He's smart, brave, and resourceful and I want all that to come through...but he's also thrown completely off balance and therefore is a lot more uncertain and cautious than normal. On some levels he's frantic and terrified, but he'd never admit that, even to himself. He'd never even admit to the uncertain and cautious, because he, like my readers, thinks of himself as a Big Damn Hero by nature.

So, I've been trying to show his uncertainty and fear in subtle ways. I have a woman who's by no means old enough to be his mother treat him in ways that reminds him of his childhood nanny. Rather than being annoyed, he's comforted and allows himself to be fed warm bread and butter and bustled off to bed because he's that tired out, poor dear. When he sees himself in the mirror disguised in workman's clothes (he's quite the rich gentleman when he's his real self) he shudders at the sight. Etc.

But it's not working for my CPs. ANY of my CPs, even the ones who normally can almost read my mind. So I'm forced to conclude the problem is with my writing. Any ideas on how else I can show that a Big Damn Hero is in a vulnerable place without him admitting it, but without going so far that his uncertainty amounts to a My Pet Goat moment?

Any ideas on how else I can show that a Big Damn Hero is in a vulnerable place without him admitting it, but without going so far that his uncertainty amounts to a My Pet Goat moment?

Is there any way you can step back a bit in your p.o.v. to indicate a bit more overtly that he's so damned tired and off balance that Larger Issues are crowded out of his mind? Maybe he can come close to realizing that he's in a vulnerable place (close enough that the reader sees it) but never quite get there himself?

How about something physical? He could be doing something like shaving or taking tea from nanny-ish woman or loading and see that his hand is shaking. He could take a deep breath and will his shaking to stop.

How do ad people get called on the carpet by their bosses? Phone call, or f2f...