FWIW, I don't think I called anyone a no-life having nutjob, unless I did and can't remember. Doesn't sound like me.

I do think that the tone of most of the entries was angry at me. A sort of a, "I just can't stand you" tone. Which is part of what I found fascinating.

I'm not sure if you were expecting an argument out of it, but I had thought it was you when you mentioned things that were being said in GWW in my LJ, and it hasn't changed the way I think of you or post with you.

ETA: What has changed is how to quote your posts in my chapter, which is right now credited to Anonymous, and I'm not sure if you'd like that changed. Let me know.

I don't think I called anyone a no-life having nutjob

Nope. That was me, and as it happens, going by the two posts I saw in your (editing for proper pronouns, which seem to have left me for a young telephone repairman: "your" meaning "Allyson's") journal? That's how they read to me.

Connie, as a veteran of the receiving end of the "how dare you have more than I do/enjoy your life more than I do/not feel guilty about it" school of 1970's style envy - usually by people who wanted something I had, were desperate for a piece of something they had no idea how to get, and were unwilling to admit their own motivations - I'm reserving my short-temperedness on the subject. It's one reason - since I don't do polls - that I disallow all anonymous posting in my own journal. The no-life and no-name types who shat all over Ayelet Waldman in my journal brought back too many memories of the "how dare you" brigade. I no longer have the faintest tolerance for it.

OTOH, I don't know if yours was either of the two I saw in Allyson's journal. (Two, not four; at least, at the time.) But I'd tend to doubt it, since I thought the two I read were rancid, week-old envy green.

"how dare you have more than I do/enjoy your life more than I do/not feel guilty about it" school

That vibrated through a couple of posts, I thought.

The post I thought was Connie's read, "perceived specialness isn't actual specialness," (paraphrased) in regard to my "connections."

That stuck out for me big time and is the root of the essay about being so hugely lonely, and a desperation to belong when I moved here. It occured to me pretty quickly that who I know doesn't make me special, but who I am does. Like I say in Minearest and Dearest,

"I needed Tim’s approval. He was my hero, afterall, and if he thought me worthy of his time, that would prove that I was cool and interesting. Tim’s enormous talent made him special to me, and to about four-million other weekly viewers. If he’d just talk to me, I’d be special by proxy."

And that story is about getting the fuck over that. Perceived vs. Actual was interesting to me. But a lot of the posts are assuming what I think, like, "I think you like it when people fawn over you for your connections."

I don't. I like it when people fawn over me, but if it's about Tim or Fury, then it's EXACTLY like when a guy walks up to me in a club and flirts with me then asks if my friend is single. It's awful. It's just an example of how one perceives that I feel, and how I actually feel.

I like those ideas, and that's pretty much the root of what I'm writing about in that essay.

In the other, I'm going with the person who says, "I think that you think you are close to Minear, but I don't think he'd say the same about you." Because that ripped my heart out. The poster also said something about a fan never being able to be a friend (paraphrasing again) which put my heart back in. That all read to me as dried up and angry, and designed to put me in my place out of an intense dislike for me. I didn't think it was Connie, but maybe it could have been. It doesn't change what I think the motivation is.

Cereal:

I should add that Tim does make me feel special in a lot of ways. I spoke with Strega a little bit about it. He's a handsome, bright, funny, successful boy. And he loves me to pieces even when he's furious with me. So sure! When Tim says, "I don't actually care about that thing for myself, but you're so passionate about it, I want what you want" (paraphrase) it makes me feel pretty good.

But that comes from the same place as when Bev, deb, or Amy say I'm a fine writer. They're smart, funny, successful women and deb is a HELLA writer, so it warms me up in the same way. Not exactly the same way as when a handsome boy thinks I'm hilarious, but that's a gonad thing.

I'm explaining into the wind and maybe using this thread to shape my thoughts for the writing. Forgiveness begged.

All I know is, I really want to read the essay now, Allyson, but am buried under The Deadline From Hell and shouldn't even be here reading posts.

I was skimming days ago, when you first posted about the trouble you were having with it, and my too-little too-late advice is to write it from the perspective of "I don't want to write about this and here's why." Even it only winds up being an exercise, tackling a tough topic that way can bring to light where you're having issues.

And you should use this thread to shape your thoughts whenever you need to. That's what it's here for.

Allyson, my problem with the line about perceived specialness is that, far too often, the person saying it is the person who's perceiving the specialness, and is resentful about it. I have neither patience nor time left on the planet for that. If someone wants to resent me for an astonishing life and the ability to create, go for it. If they'd like the heartbreak, the multiple sclerosis and a few other little downsides as well, even better. Life is about balance.

I spent too much time in the seventies watching the staff at the small press where I worked gather a little too close, try to listen in a little too avidly, whenever they knew I was on the phone with Nice Piano. Mostly they were really nice, they were just starstruck, but every once in awhile, if I came into work tired or cranky, I'd get the sideways "What's the matter, honey, rough night with Mick Jagger?" bullshit. I only lost it once - that particular comment came after a night in the ER because N was too sick to walk - but I have no patience with it, and I'm going to call it, every time I see it.

And Amy is right like a right thing. If the Boundaries thing doesn't work, approaching it from the negative is a superb idea.

Serial, or, rather, addendum:

Checking back, I never used the word "nutjob". Didn't think I had; I said "spiteful needy no-lifes."

I don't think envy makes anyone a nutjob, necessarily. I mean, it can - look at the freak who shot John Lennon - but mostly, I don't think it does.

If someone wants to resent me for an astonishing life and the ability to create, go for it. If they'd like the heartbreak, the multiple sclerosis and a few other little downsides as well, even better. Life is about balance.

I think, to armchair it and fling notions into the air for Allyson, should she need them, that a lot of the time, it's the balance that's lacking in the people doing the serious resenting of whatever it is they're resenting.

They are too often (in my experience, at least, which, granted, is mainly fandom) those who've had more than their share of downsides, but none of the upsides, if that makes sense. Like, the driving factor in the darkness of the pointy skulls is, "If I have to suffer all this junk that's been piling on since forever, too, why don't I get a slice of the astonishing pie?"

And it's weird and uncomfortable to see, because you can see where they're coming from, kind of (hell, I know I've resented the hell out of people for being disgustingly fertile, and I still get a twinge of it from time to time, even now that I have a baby) , but it's such a narrow, self-defeating focus that you just want to back away slowly.

Yep yep yep. What Plei said.

And then what Plei said.

And then, lest there be any doubt about it, what Plei said.

It's about achieving balance. Resenting those who've come to terms with all the sides of their life, or who, at least, are admitting that there are sides and attempting to balance? Is pointless and destructive to the very balance the person doing the resenting needs to achieve.

Like, the driving factor in the darkness of the pointy skulls is, "If I have to suffer all this junk that's been piling on since forever, too, why don't I get a slice of the astonishing pie?"

Yes, this. This is an attitude I see a lot of, and it's difficult to get past because no one has a good answer to give those people. (Well, saying "Because life is random, sorry" never strikes me as a good answer, anyways.)