Cereal:

I should add that Tim does make me feel special in a lot of ways. I spoke with Strega a little bit about it. He's a handsome, bright, funny, successful boy. And he loves me to pieces even when he's furious with me. So sure! When Tim says, "I don't actually care about that thing for myself, but you're so passionate about it, I want what you want" (paraphrase) it makes me feel pretty good.

But that comes from the same place as when Bev, deb, or Amy say I'm a fine writer. They're smart, funny, successful women and deb is a HELLA writer, so it warms me up in the same way. Not exactly the same way as when a handsome boy thinks I'm hilarious, but that's a gonad thing.

I'm explaining into the wind and maybe using this thread to shape my thoughts for the writing. Forgiveness begged.

All I know is, I really want to read the essay now, Allyson, but am buried under The Deadline From Hell and shouldn't even be here reading posts.

I was skimming days ago, when you first posted about the trouble you were having with it, and my too-little too-late advice is to write it from the perspective of "I don't want to write about this and here's why." Even it only winds up being an exercise, tackling a tough topic that way can bring to light where you're having issues.

And you should use this thread to shape your thoughts whenever you need to. That's what it's here for.

Allyson, my problem with the line about perceived specialness is that, far too often, the person saying it is the person who's perceiving the specialness, and is resentful about it. I have neither patience nor time left on the planet for that. If someone wants to resent me for an astonishing life and the ability to create, go for it. If they'd like the heartbreak, the multiple sclerosis and a few other little downsides as well, even better. Life is about balance.

I spent too much time in the seventies watching the staff at the small press where I worked gather a little too close, try to listen in a little too avidly, whenever they knew I was on the phone with Nice Piano. Mostly they were really nice, they were just starstruck, but every once in awhile, if I came into work tired or cranky, I'd get the sideways "What's the matter, honey, rough night with Mick Jagger?" bullshit. I only lost it once - that particular comment came after a night in the ER because N was too sick to walk - but I have no patience with it, and I'm going to call it, every time I see it.

And Amy is right like a right thing. If the Boundaries thing doesn't work, approaching it from the negative is a superb idea.

Serial, or, rather, addendum:

Checking back, I never used the word "nutjob". Didn't think I had; I said "spiteful needy no-lifes."

I don't think envy makes anyone a nutjob, necessarily. I mean, it can - look at the freak who shot John Lennon - but mostly, I don't think it does.

If someone wants to resent me for an astonishing life and the ability to create, go for it. If they'd like the heartbreak, the multiple sclerosis and a few other little downsides as well, even better. Life is about balance.

I think, to armchair it and fling notions into the air for Allyson, should she need them, that a lot of the time, it's the balance that's lacking in the people doing the serious resenting of whatever it is they're resenting.

They are too often (in my experience, at least, which, granted, is mainly fandom) those who've had more than their share of downsides, but none of the upsides, if that makes sense. Like, the driving factor in the darkness of the pointy skulls is, "If I have to suffer all this junk that's been piling on since forever, too, why don't I get a slice of the astonishing pie?"

And it's weird and uncomfortable to see, because you can see where they're coming from, kind of (hell, I know I've resented the hell out of people for being disgustingly fertile, and I still get a twinge of it from time to time, even now that I have a baby) , but it's such a narrow, self-defeating focus that you just want to back away slowly.

Yep yep yep. What Plei said.

And then what Plei said.

And then, lest there be any doubt about it, what Plei said.

It's about achieving balance. Resenting those who've come to terms with all the sides of their life, or who, at least, are admitting that there are sides and attempting to balance? Is pointless and destructive to the very balance the person doing the resenting needs to achieve.

Like, the driving factor in the darkness of the pointy skulls is, "If I have to suffer all this junk that's been piling on since forever, too, why don't I get a slice of the astonishing pie?"

Yes, this. This is an attitude I see a lot of, and it's difficult to get past because no one has a good answer to give those people. (Well, saying "Because life is random, sorry" never strikes me as a good answer, anyways.)

Life is random, though. Or at the very least, my philosophy is that precious little is under my direct control. Stuff happens.

Or at the very least, my philosophy is that precious little is under my direct control.

Heh. And at 180 from that - since I believe pretty much everything that happens to me is under my control - there still isn't any good answer. Because no one wants to hear "look, if you're unhappy with your choices, change as many of them as you feel you're able to change, or don't. but either way stop resenting me for my life", either.

learning about myself

I knew I had found my identity when I started skipping lunch. Instead I ate vending machine cookies and hung out with my newfound friends who dreamed and laughed and extrapolated and made snarky comments about the snarkable.

It didn't make life ideal, but it sure made it bearable.

Later, I befriended a boy who had gotten kicked out of the nearby city school for knifing somebody. My parents warned me about him, but it was too late.

Life did get easier after that. Somehow it helped for everyone to know you were close to the boy they all feared.