No one could have asked for a better birthday present than these awesomely bad drabbles. The Right Hon. Roderick Shaftleigh-Greatgirth (repeated because it deserves to be written out again) woke up the cat!

I don't know if I can match some of this (o! the porn!), but I'm gonna think about it, see if I can remember some terrible fiction from my youth (lo these many years ago...)

(giggling insanely)

I'm surprised connie's not in here playing, damn it.

I'm surprised connie's not in here playing, damn it.

The topic doesn't appeal. I can wait.

deb-- at one point "inspired" by one or two YA romances I started writing a romance about a high school band. I think I was still in middle school so didn't even have any first hand experience with high school and I knew next to nothing about music. I probably had 10 cassettes and albums (total) -- the ones I can remember were: Bon Jovi, a-ha, Olivia Newton-John, the Beach Boys and the soundtrack to Stand By Me.

It was terrible with pages and pages devoted to the characters clothes, they changed more than Cher during a concert and half way through I changed everyone's names.

That I destroyed.

I'm not quite sure how you tell bad Hemingway takeoffs from Hemingway, but here goes:

At 5 o'clock I was in my kitchen waiting for Joe. I was making drinks. They weren't very good drinks, but I was hoping the amount of vodka would help them.

Joe came in. He needed a shave.

"What is this?"

"Salad spinner."

"Bill had one of those."

"Yes. He had one."

"Did you see Sue? She's hot."

"Yes. Hot."

"It's hot in here."

"Yes. Hot."

"We should go. For Mexican."

"Yes. Hot."

"You like to eat, don't you?"

"I like a lot of things."

"Then let's go for Mexican."

"Sue was hot, wasn't she?"

"Don't be a damned fool."

Hee! And I'm with Ginger on not seeing much difference between bad Hemingway and well, just Hemingway.

BWAH! Classic, Ginger.

sputter

It's the "don't be a damned fool" that just killed me. Oh. My. Fan-tastic.

Was Hemingway in here?

Snerk.

I don't think I'm anywhere close to getting the hang of Hemingway. So, I'll just do more of what I seem to be good at, the overblown adverbs.

Just The Way You Look, Tonight

Oh, the pain! The pain of it all!

How can one man survive the pinpoints of despair that pierce the brain and heart? What aching shards of agonizing regret is there to rue?

Oh, pain, hurt me not so grievously!

If only I had spoken falsely. If I’d spoken sweet words of deception and turned her wrath, what surcease!

But I told. And the pain! Oh, the pain!

Nothing can save me now! I’m doomed to eternal torment, bound to the rocks with vultures to tear my skin and pierce my flesh.

“No, dear, it doesn’t make you look fat.”