My dear Susan! We who beat ourselves up over not being where we want to be are leaps ahead of those that have no objective to work on their shortcomings. Introspection is not a whole lot of fun. I have so much respect for what you are trying to achieve. Working on your career, your marriage, your personal being, and your family all at the same time is a huge challenge. I know you are up to this challenge.

And it's not like you forgot your kid and that he goes to school.

how can I prepare myself so that it's a lot less likely to happen

Yup. Learn your triggers and how to short-circuit them. It took me a long time to learn that and I still get caught out more than I'd like. But I'm so much more mellow than I was in my 30's. I had a lot of anger I couldn't let go of and it came out in inappropriate behavior. It took a couple years of therapy before I felt comfortable handling a lot of that stuff on my own. And I still don't try to do it all on my own. I've got b.org, LJ and my meatspace friends to help me. In fact, I'll take all the help I can get. It just took me a while to learn how to ask for it and when not to ask for it. You'll figure out what works for you.

And it's not like you forgot your kid and that he goes to school.

Who is it that did that again?

I feel like there's almost no value in all the times I've been tempted to worry or feel guilty over something and chosen not to, because I'm just going to slip up like I did here the day before yesterday, and all people will see or remember is "Susan who always worries and beats herself up with guilt."

FWIW, I don't feel that way.

I remember once when I took a stab at keeping a (paper, just for me) journal. I'm not by any means a daily journal writer; it quickly became a place for me to get out the things that really needed to come out right then. Flipping through it after a few months, I was kind of amused to speculate about what people would think of me if they found it after I died or something - it's too bad I didn't know the word CRAXY yet, 'cause it would have fit. The things that are little worries or that you breeze through just don't come up in the same way.

But for you specifically, Susan: It's clear to me, at least, how hard you work on dealing with things and how careful you are to think things through when you're finding something really frustrating or upsetting. More and more, when you do post about things like this, I don't hear "I'm a bad mother," I hear "This is freaking me out and making me feel like a bad mother and I'm pretty sure I'm overreacting a bit here but the feeling is still there and maybe you guys can reality check me a bit, and if that doesn't work, at least getting it out will release some of the pressure building up and keep me from blowing." Except not so much with the run-on sentences and stuff.

It's obvious to me that you've made great strides. And honestly, you've got a lot of stressful shit going on. And you deal with 99% of it without getting over your head and I think you should pat yourself on the back for it.

Gets in butt-pat line behind brenda.

Whoops! Wrong line.

t switching lines

brenda is wise.

Worshipping Thomash!! Go you!

While I'm glad that Bitches Day worked out well for some lovely Bitches, I'd like to reschedule. Pie and glitter seem to be no match for the snot monster that's decided I'm his new host. Bleargh.

It's obvious to me that you've made great strides. And honestly, you've got a lot of stressful shit going on. And you deal with 99% of it without getting over your head and I think you should pat yourself on the back for it.

t tries to pat self on back

t decides what she really needs is a good backrub

ETA--Thanks, Brenda. That's really encouraging.

Who is it that did that again?

Laura.

mmmm, pie.

One of my friends is having a party on Saturday. I'd been looking forward to it, but she just told me that 30 people are coming, and their apartment isn't very big, and I'm not that good with crowds in tight spaces in the best of circumstances, but with the way I've been feeling lately, I'm not sure I want to go. But I really don't want to get into a pattern of "I'm not going because there will be too many people," because I know that, once I start doing that, it's really difficult to stop avoiding stuff.