I'm feeling really frustrated with myself right now. I feel like there's almost no value in all the times I've been tempted to worry or feel guilty over something and chosen not to, because I'm just going to slip up like I did here the day before yesterday, and all people will see or remember is "Susan who always worries and beats herself up with guilt." Or I'll do something like when I just lost my temper in Literary a little while ago. Since of course no one sees all the times I see something I'd like to lash out at, but take a deep breath and say, "It's not worth it, and it's probably not even about you or intended the way you took it," I'm still just a person with a hairtrigger temper and a chip on my shoulder.
Obviously working on this stuff isn't all about the impression I make on others. But OTOH, a big part of my motivation is that I
do
want to learn to play better with others. I want to be a good friend. I want to be helpful. I want to receive criticism graciously and give it tactfully, when criticism is appropriate. I want to deal with all stressful situations smoothly and capably, but especially public ones. So I'm frustrated with myself that all it takes is a bit of PMS or a stressful day to unravel my carefully constructed new self-awareness and self-control.
Yaaaay, Thomash! And I may not have announced your new tag yet, so: Thomash has a new tag:
My dear Susan! We who beat ourselves up over not being where we want to be are leaps ahead of those that have no objective to work on their shortcomings. Introspection is not a whole lot of fun. I have so much respect for what you are trying to achieve. Working on your career, your marriage, your personal being, and your family all at the same time is a huge challenge. I know you are up to this challenge.
That's a huge looong sigh of relief. Thanks all.
Yay, Thomash!
Susan, I hear what you're saying. I'm the type to self-flagellate, too. The fact you're aware of it, means you're doing a good job learning to head it off. Just because you don't sometimes, doesn't mean you're a bad friend.
I want to deal with all stressful situations smoothly and capably
Laudable, yes. Achievable, NSM. No matter how well we may feel someone else handles a certain situation, chances are they've had their moments, too. Most of all, lose the ALL. Thinking in absolutes is a good way to fail. You know that. Now, feel it. Really, I see how hard you struggle. You're working it. Take that as a positive and build on the successes. Shuffle the failures under the rug with the rest of the dustbunnies, they're insignificant in the long run.
Congrats, Thomash!
I am really not having a good day. There's not really any one thing I can point to as "this is horrible," but just sort of a build-up of minor annoyances, coming after two days of both a lot of minor annoyances and pretty bad vertigo. And now my Tivo seems to have died.
Hands Hil pie and glitter.
Welcome to Bitches Day. Ignore the bad and celebrate the pie.
