I've recently learned that my mother, whom I haven't communicated with in a good ten years, is failing. She's back in Pennsylvania, and my sources say she's wanting a letter from me. I can manage that--just. My gut twists sickeningly at the idea, but I am her daughter and she's entitled to know where/how I am and all that. I finally got a mailing address through Amy and her mother, as my own blood siblings haven't bothered to get back to me on requests for the address. Amy's mom is the one who got word to me that my mother has been asking about me. If there were ever any doubts as to who my true family is, I think those are well and truly dead.

Aside from the letter, on which I keep saying, "Write it, send it, and put it behind you", I'm thinking of the logical progression of events. When she goes, I do not see myself going to the funeral. My blood siblings are people with whom I shared a room and about twenty years of life back when I was not the person I am. I've got a niece and nephew, but I doubt they'd recognize me. I do not mind being the subject of horrified whispers. If I let myself care about that, I'm buying into an entire structure I no longer believe in. I resent the idea of people I haven't spoken to in years having any say about the way I live my life.

Hubby said, "We'll find a way to make sure you go back." I don't think he really believes I mean it when I say I'm not going. Maybe if I didn't have the ongoing stress of dealing with him and if our world could aborb a sudden multi-hundred-dollar cost, I'd think differently. But I do have that stress, and I'm not going to buy into expectations that will only aggrivate conditions. Hubby also said, "So you'll give up any rights you have to anything still back there?" (ie, the old farm that's been in my family for over a hundred years). I said, "I gave that up twenty years ago when I moved out here." I think that boggles him, because he's never been directly connected to a "landed" family (40 acres in the poverty-wracked borders of Appalachia, not a nest egg waiting to happen).

I wish my mother peace, and maybe life would have been a little better if there wasn't that estrangement. But I've tried multiple times over the years to maintain contact, and I've always been the one left holding the line with no response on the other end. I will grieve when she's gone. But those days are done, and I'm not particularly interested in manufacturing outward shows for the consumption of strangers.

I forgot to bring money today. Luckily I remembered to bring lunch. I scraped up enough change for 1 diet dr pepper, which I'm having now.

Yesterday I went over to Grandma's and looked around again, especially at the yard. I'll need to develop a green thumb, but one of the first things I want to do is pull up all the monkey grass. I hate it and it's everywhere. I'm not sure about other border plants but there has to be something more attractive.

Daniel, that is admirably old school, but nothing applicable to the world of employment today. As you well know, firms have no such loyalty and will layoff people whenever it's financially convenient. Especially as a temp, you don't owe that kind of loyalty.

signed,
Temped for 10 Years

Anne, I worked on your CowGirl ReBop mix a lot yesterday.

Emmett has developed Mystery Leg Pain. I thought he was just sore yesterday because we walked around so much after his fever broke. But it was so painful he couldn't stand up or extend his legs. I thought he'd be better by morning, or I'd at least be woken up during the night if it was bothering him. Nope - it only hurts if he stands on them.

It's very disconcerting because there's no swelling, no obvious cramping, no injury, no bug bite. But it hurts him so much he can't even stand up. So - we're off to see the doctor this morning.

I think his Mom is feeling better from her nasty bout of poison oak, but I'm going to get into work late today - and I really can't miss a lot of time right now. Feh. JZ's off to get bananas for the potassium, but I really don't think he's got regular muscle cramps.

Daniel, I'm with everyone else. It's very nice that you have that loyalty, but not necessary in the real world that we call now.

Connie, I'm sorry this is adding extra stress on you right now. You certainly don't deserve it. Definately do whatever you feel is best for you, though, and don't let anyone else's thoughts or possible thoughts change your mind.

Poor Emmett! The little guy has really had a rough weekend. Good luck at the doctor, Hec.

Oy, poor guy. Hope it turns out to be something banana and/or icepack fixable.

Dan-- totally go for the interview. I was kind of looking when I was an agency temp, I feel a little different now that I'm a company temp. But hey, still a temp.

Connie -- sorry you are stressing over this. You definitly shouldn't go if you think it's just going to add to that.

That's scary, David. Could it be a growth spurt thing? I hope he feels better soon, whatever it is.

Connie, this sounds like a hard situation. I have no advice, but I will be thinking about you. I agree that "write it, send it, and put it behind you" is probably the best thing to do for now. Do you think she wants a big dramatic Forgiveness Letter, or just a note to let her know you're well?

connie, it sounds like our head is in the right place. You wish her peace. funerals are for those left alive. You know you and your blood family well enough, chose our own way to let go. - Which is what you said, but it makes so much sense.

And listen to everyone Daniel. I hope you are enjoying the little bit of everybody wants me that is going on now.

Go Anne

and you should be doing some work Vw!

{{{Connie}}} It sounds like you know what you're going to do and that it's the right decision. Good luck with the letter.

{{Emmett}}

Aww, poor Emmett!