My cell phone is set on a pretty low volume and it only rings once. After a snafoo at a wake when I had a "dizzy" ringtone that got increasingly loud, I vowed to never have anything more than this. My current phone, big ole Nokia 5165, doesn't vibrate or I'd have that set most of the time.

Despite getting to work pretty late today, I am leaving early in order to get to a retirement party.

I've heard phones that, instead of a ring, have a loud voice saying something like, "you have a call. you have a call." I honestly do not understand why one would have that setting; it is always obnoxious.

I've run afoul of car alarms that had a voice warning. Sorry, but your car does not get to tell me I'm standing to close to it and must go away—I don't take orders from inanimate objects.

My phone's always on vibrate. In my purse, it lives in the zipper pocket closest to my body. At work, it lives on my desk in front of me. (When I got my new phone and "vibrate" wasn't one of the volume settings, I almost panicked, until I figured out that LG calls it "manner mode" and it's just a button in a different place.)

I don't have a cell phone. However, I do have a baby monitor that has a vibrate setting. I never put it on vibrate though.

For Matt:

"Hello," said the elevator sweetly, "I am to be your elevator for this trip to the floor of your choice. I have been designed by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation to take you, the visitor to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, into these their offices. If you enjoy your ride, which will be swift and pleasurable, then you may care to experience some of the other elevators which have recently been installed in the offices of the Galactic tax department, Boobiloo Baby Foods and the Sirian State Mental Hospital, where many ex-Sirius Cybernetics Corporation executives will be delighted to welcome your visits, sympathy, and happy tales of the outside world."

"Yeah," said Zaphod, stepping into it, "what else do you do besides talk?"

"I go up," said the elevator, "or down."

"Good," said Zaphod, "We're going up."

"Or down," the elevator reminded him.

"Yeah, OK, up please."

There was a moment of silence.

"Down's very nice," suggested the elevator hopefully.

My favorite car alarm was the old one that said, "Help! I am being tampered with!" Neighborhood kids used to set it off just to hear that.

Cars should be programmed to listen to other car alarms. So when a car says, "Help! I am being tampered with!" other cars would say, "Hey, Bob, what's going on? Someone help Bob! He's being tampered with!"

Cars should be programmed to listen to other car alarms.

And then you could play t Soviet Block telephone with them. It'd be fun.

Love the single ring. I don't hear everything, but it rarely embarrasses.

Mine plays the Rohan theme, the Angel theme music, or Crying Game (for one very special caller). Problem is, especially at the lower volume, they just lodge in my subconscious, filed under "Better than Muzak."

I've noticed more and more cell phones that have an old-school phone ring. Startles the fuck out of me.

When mine's not on vibrate, it plays the Angel theme, the OC theme, or Layla. But it's pretty rare.