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I had tears in my eyes when River begged - even if only in Chines, without me understanding the words - to become stone, to not be forced to feel what she has to feel, to carry what she has to carry. She didn't choose that burden, it was forced upon her, it was laid on her shoulders because other people thought that she could not only carry it but also work with it, and it's not left to her to actually do that job. And now it's part of her, she can't avoid it, poor girl, in any way that isn't either losing herself, the way it happened when she was activated, or just be broken to pieces and not hear anything else at all anymore, another form of losing herself.

It was like River was begging to be able to do what Mal was trying to do to himself - shut from the world, no connection, no bearing anybody else's burden. He couldn't do it, in his own personal way, just as much as she couldn't in hers (very different than his, of course, but still).

There was a line that the Operative said to Mal, about saving the world, but not for him, that he is a monster, but he's trying to save the world for others. And in a way it's just like Frodo, who saved his world, but couldn't stay living in it. And the act of saving that world is what made him disconnected from it, what stopped him from being part of it, for ever. Only, the Operative's actions were what made Mal part of the world, and the failing was what made the Operative part of it, in a way (he got wet!), even if he did go and kill himself afterwords, nobly on his sword, so it's also the other way around, too. He's too out-of-this-world (imagine how many people he killed, of those he worked *with*, alone!). Objects in space.

Also, and this may make sense only in my head, it's sometimes the defects that create the things we are looking for. For example, in crystals, which have a very regular and orderly structure, they can have certain characteristics and present certain behaviors if and only if there are flaws in their perfect structure, if instead of the atom that is supposed to be in a certain place there's another one, a different one, if the pattern breaks. So we look for these flaws, these 'mistakes', and we use them to work with those crystals. We need the imperfections. Not just as people, to be able to improve and choose our path, but also in other fields.

I don't know to explain why, but I liked the things around the plot of the movie better than the plot itself. Does that make any sort of sense? I liked the characters, the humor, the personal voyages they were going through. I liked less - no, 'like' isn't even the right word - I connected less, maybe? The plot resonated less in me than the other elements of the movie. The very fact that I can separate that specific element is something I don't think I could have done before I started babbling out here in order to try and clear my thoughts, from the pilot "Serenity". Hmm.

Maybe it was because it's a world I already know, and am used to accessing in a certain flow, a certain rhythm? Maybe because none of the former ways to connect to that world that I had, all episodes of them, didn't have such a galaxy-effecting meaning. Maybe I just can't think big enough in a natural way, maybe I just think too small. Maybe I cling to that same thing I said I can't write about now - the differences between the show and the movie - in the sense that I loved the small sort of scale the show had. Nobody was saving the world from apocalypse or the like. The world could have gone on just great without that little ship and its crew members (as far as we knew, I have to say that. There were still plenty of secrets that could have been 'big').

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I liked that about that show, I loved the 'everyday' sort of feel that it gave it, of people just trying to get by, of that simple running of lives. The personal arcs could have been huge and significant and they were totally important, don't get me wrong! But they were important to the characters, because of their connection. It was a "nothing that you do matters" sort of world, and it gave a million times more impact and meaning then to "all that matters is what you do".

Or maybe it's just me, the baby, who can't let go of anything she loved and wants to keep it all. It wouldn't be the first time.

Oh, and even that grand thing that they did, it was grand in the sense that it was big for the alliance, it made them send that bit Operative with all that fleet and all those resources. But it didn't change the world, there was no revolution, no change of order in any other sense than in the hearts of people. The very taking of the action was huge for Mal, of course, and each member of his crew, and the ship. But in a way, that big thing is invisible to the naked eye. It's just one step in a very long road, and the taking of that step promises nothing in terms of where that road may end. So maybe there's still that sense of the 'regular person', of that actual world with actual obstacles to face, that I like. Hmm.

So, if it's OK to have flaws and randomness and not to complete thoughts, here is my humble contribution to that approval:

I never notice clothes, but here it stood out: River in blue, with all the others in much more "earth" colors. The Operative also in blue, as well as Mr. Universe's home and doll. On the scene with the tombs, River's dress is brown, though. An earth brown, not the dark nearly-black one she had at the beginning. She's more connected to the group now, even in the colors she wears. Oh, and Simon occasionally wears blue, as well.

Both Mal and the Operative used a similar phrase "define ---".

The moments of quiet, focusing on River, where everything just turned silent and the picture was focusing on her, a single head tilt, her hair moving with her, her eyes - for me, it was like "there's no sound in space".

Zoe's dry wit (not risking the ship to rescue Mal, the amount of money they found on the top vault being enough to retire from their life of crime), just like all the way along, just like her conversations with Mal on "The Train Job" and "Ariel".

The look of River looking through, from the angle of the planets that she's seeing, like they are the ones who are looking at her ("Objects in Space").

Inara piloting the shuttle when they left her planet.

I loved the shots of River's legs, of her walking, hovering, dancing, feeling, with them. Who knew feet could be so fascinating.

Jayne hands Simon the bottle in the end. They are so different, but part of the same crew, and that means that friendly natural gesture, no matter what.

River's "I'm OK". And then she really was. And she said those two short words so differently.

The Reavers' ship, the first one who responded to them through the second voyage through the Reavers' space, the one they ended up starting to fire at, looked like a scorpion.

Mal letting River on the bridge, next to him, near the instruments.

Kaylee giving all those advices to Simon. He rescued his sister, but he needs Kaylee's help in her world.

They were stranded and left to die on the war. Now, Mal is accused of doing just that. Also, "leave nobody behind" - it was exactly that 'leaving behind' that cost Mal his faith.

Jayne - the thug, who wanted to run things, who wanted to make sure that he will be the one who is saved - checking the seatbelts of all the others before buckling in himself. Because Mal told him. Because they're part of the same crew.

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Inara didn't leave because of Mal making her, it was her own choice, from the end of "Heart of Gold". In the end of that episode Mal even tried to say something to make her not go, more than he ever seemed to be able to realize regarding his own emotions and how he sees her, only she then didn't give him the chance. Obviously, in one two-hours movie there's no chance of actually touching so many relationships and their past and implications, but I still liked the way it made sense, to both show-watchers and non alike.

The ease with which River disabled and ship and got to the bridge. She could do it at any minute, whenever she wanted, and chose not to.

Zoe's hand on Wash's chair, when he's most concentrated and into his work. Just like in the show. And her hand shows her stress and strain, and her face is completely calm.

Inara taking part in repairing the ship, in giving her her name back, in what is probably an art she's well schooled in, too, so also doing her best with what she has for the ship. Maybe she didn't choose yet whether she's going to stay or not, but regardless, she's part of that crew, of that way of life.

My breath stopped for a second when River hit Simon. Not because I thought she was actually going to hurt him, I have to admit, but because of the existence of something that is so very important to her that she's willing to hit her beloved brother in order to try and get to it.

The Pax was developed on what seems like an outside planet (far away, enough that it could disappear off the maps and not be on any trade route or the like). They went to a more distant extreme than the core planets, even though they were, if the other planets are any indication, on average supposed to go the other way.

The technology guy, who could spread a single feed to all the planets, was killed with a sword, the simple primitive weapon.

River's movement on the bridge, pulling her legs on top of the chair, her knees up, to listen to Mal. So much like a child, and yet it didn't make her clumsy, didn't delay her in a second in piloting the ship.

Jayne playing the guitar. I would never have guessed, but it's perfect.

The "just lying down" is the exact opposite, in every way I can think of, of "just keep flying".

I loved it that Inara didn't decide yet what she's going to do. And that Mal liked that. The possibilities. They're both going to choose how to continue this.

The Operative losing it when the Reavers came - nothing else seemed to baffle him. They're like the opposite of his control, he can't understand them, can't 'find their sin', make their world better.

If Mal knows a poem, it makes perfect sense that it's one about seamen. The "wild west" analogy to the conquering of new planets holds beautifully, in my opinion, but they are still called "ships", and there is still a "captain", and despite Mal's stubborn lack of education, I loved it that he knew the poem (me, I wasn't that educated, and I'm 500 years closer to that poem. I had to Google, ignorant me). He invests in what's important to him, in what matters in his eyes. And his ship is, so even if that means the sort of education he doesn't seem to like, he still has a connection to it.

The way River made a face to Simon when he thought she was being "Miranda". Such a little-sister-to-a-silly-old-brother sort of gesture: all the depth of their relationship, the plot point and the laughter of the audience, all in one face.

Allowing people to have flows, finding grace and beauty and truth in those flaws. That's the way the show (and the movie) had its special effects done - visual to aid the idea?

I could have all these thoughts, about how the world of the movie was different from the world of the show, about how there seemed to be a few things between the show and the movie that didn't match and even about how I could understand those choices and not be bothered by them and why. I still don't want to have those thoughts. I still want to be inside the world I've just recently spent two hours inside, the characters I've met, their stories and personalities and choices. So all that will probably come, with all my geeky flags held high, but right now I still have too much sappiness in me, to mellow on, for going that way. Not just yet

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Oh, and just because I said it so many times before, I don't think I can avoid saying it again, I love Mal. That dark, closed-up, butter, lonely, lost, closed-inside-himself, joking-to-throw-attention-off, full-of-emotion Mal. And I believed him, on every step of the way. I don't know how to judge acting, I don't understand anything about it. I only can say whether I believed an actor or not. And I never stopped believing him, all through his journey. It was the same with the others, but since the movie focused on him more, and gave him a deeper journey, I felt it most with him.

Stories about characters making a choice always get to me (being such an important part of my own faith). Just to name a couple of recent examples: it's one of the things I love most about the "Harry Potter" series, one of the things I loved most about LotR. There's that line that Gandalf says in the movie "all we can do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us" (I'm paraphrasing, of course). And that's exactly what this movie - to me, of course - was about. At first they were chased, they were forced. They were cut from their resources, from the jobs, from their shelters. Then, after Book's death, it was their choice. Not just Mal's, too. And when they left the Reavers territory for the second time, after shooting them, facing that fleet, it was all their choice.

And I loved the last shot, of that part falling and that thing they'll have to look for and fix and replace. If all the movie was about letting people make mistakes and have faults and finding the strength to look for the way to correct them, than that little mistake - played for laughs, I guess, because I laughed through my tears - was pretty much what the whole thing was about, in a way.

Yes, but did you like it?

(sorry)

eta: Great post, Nilly!

eta²:

It's not fair to make me laugh while I'm in tears.

NATLBSB

Oh I'ma gonna have to talk with Gus about how we're gonna put that on the Nillysite.

How happy am I that Nilly got to see Serenity?

Nilly, your words are such a gift to all of us. Thank you so, so much.

I have to read your posts about 50 more times, and then run off to the theater and see it again right now.

Nilly, I think that Joss -- and all the cast -- needs to read your thoughts about the movie. I mean it. It must be wonderful for the creator of a movie/show/universe to know when someone really noticed and appreciated all the tiny aspects of the story.

You mentioned things about the movie, connections between the characters, meanings behind the smallest of their actions, that I didn't notice at all. But if I were Joss, I'd want to know -- I'd be *thrilled* to know -- that all the little things didn't go unnoticed.

I have uploaded the text of Nilly's posts for Gus to find a home for it.

It's unedited right now, but it's there. Browser friendly:

[link]

Raw text for Gus (with convenient t br formatting):

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