Okay, TMI for my comfort level in some ways...but...

Cindy, for what it's worth, the only thing that got me through the really bad panic attack phase of my life was medication. Seriously, I felt weak for taking it until I started thinking about the fact that I thought nothing of taking a pill to help with physical ailments. The anti-anxiety pill would chill me out enough to be able to function--to put a bottom to the hole I was falling into. I only took it when I needed it, but it saved me. A secondary med (I took Zoloft for 18 months) eventually removed the need for the first. I've been off the Zoloft for more than two years, and my doc thinks that it altered enough that I may never need it again. It is a tremendous relief to know, though, that the help is there if I need it.

Thank you, Kristin. I am giving myself a very brief deadline before I call my doc. I am 95% certain this is tied to my cycle, and given the other women in my family who've had the same thing hit at the same age, and that I've taken lousy care of myself for the last 6 months or so, on top of that, I just want to try the taking care of myself thing first, and see if that brings me back down to where I can ride it out.

I do hesitate to take any medicines (even for other, more obviously physical issues--didn't take pain killers except Motrin after I had my babies, don't medicate headaches until my skull is cracking, didn't take the pain meds my dentist prescribed before my root canal) so my hesitation is coming from med aversion, not from any worry of stigma because it's a mental health issue, if that makes any sense.

I may have quoted this before:

"Get some devastation in the back."

- Sen. Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), quoted by the AP, to a staff photographer taking a picture of him before leaving tsunami-stricken southern Sri Lanka.

my hesitation is coming from med aversion, not from any worry of stigma because it's a mental health issue, if that makes any sense.

No, it really does. I'm certainly not trying to tell you what to do. I just personally got to a point where I decided Why be miserable when I can feel better? I never regretted it, especially since it proved to be temporary. In any case {{{Cindy}}}. Panic attacks are hideous.

The Swedish meatball talk is making me want to go have lunch at Ikea.

Also, I'm really damned proud of you for sticking things out. Go you!

What vw said.

Want to go watch RotK commentaries and eat popcorn.

After all that work, maybe you've earned it?

In other news, I have finished two weeks at my new 6-8 week job.

Unfortunately the State of Minnesota bases it's medical assistance determination on gross pay, with no provisions for how much of said gross pay is taken up by housing, utilities and fixed expenses.

I will likely be losing my medical benefits next month. Oh joy. That means, any spare money I have will go to buying the pills to keep my diabetes in check, and not for, say food, clothing, etc.

And apparently I should have mentioned my four days of work in October to them. I get to call Monday Tuesday and find out if it is going to be a fine, a fee or what. The shcedule on their web site says I would have had to pay $10 for that month as a premium.

Sigh.

Oh, Daniel. I'm so sorry. I'm dealing with some similar fears for when my COBRA runs out. It's no fun at all when you've got pills that you *have* to take each day.

Today we headed out to North Berwick, which is the cutest town in the entire world.

SA, glad you enjoyed it. I've always loved that place.

Mmm, devilled eggs. Yum--and I could even eat them on this diet. May have to make some.

Was supposed to be at a rollerskating birthday party right now. But I woke up and thought "I'd have to get up *right now* in order to get stuff done and still get there on time", and realized I didn't feel like either getting up or going rollerskating with cramps, and said screw it and went back to sleep.

So, I live above a 7-11. They often play their music loud enough that it comes through my floor. Most nights, I don't even bother to call them up--it irritates, but it's not actually any louder than, say, the traffic outside. But last night when I got home at 2:30AM, it was LOUD. So I called them up. And this guy without an accent answers. Who can this be? I think. Because I know I've seen all the people who work there. He says to them "She wants you to turn your music down!". And tells me he's a customer, they told him to pick up the phone. He's also a lawyer. Well, almost a lawyer. And do I have a boyfriend?

It was highly amusing. His name was Miles. I was tempted ot ask if he was very short.

I was supposed to go to a gaming party today, but I realized that would require actually getting out of bed and getting dressed and walking to the bus stop and taking the bus across town and staying awake and interacting with people, and I woke up at about 12 but haven't actually stayed awake for more than about 45 minutes at a time, so I figured today might not be the best party day for me. So I'm napping. A lot. I think I'm catching up on the sleep I missed this past week.