I clean my ears with implements that make audiologists gasp in horror. Sharp, metal things. No, really. I know I shouldn't, but they're so effective.

You know that feeling when you just get out of the shower and you stick the q-tip in there and get all the wax out and it feels so good? Eargasm.

Well, just because I am kinky for Sela Ward and thereby a Once and Again junky, I have to say I knew it!

I'm suddenly very glad all my ear infections are the result of swollen tissues and faulty plumbing not wads of gunk. Even if they do get gross.

You know that feeling when you just get out of the shower and you stick the q-tip in there and get all the wax out and it feels so good? Eargasm.

Yup. It's very satisfying.

I prefer my eargasms when they're given to me by other people, with the syringe. God, that feels good.

I prefer my eargasms when they're given to me by other people, with the syringe.

Ugh, really? If something is going to go in my ear, I want to control it. Eeek.

OK, you're freaking me out. I've had my ears irrigated once and it is something I fear now every time I go to the doctor.

No, honestly. I love the feeling of having my ears irrigated. It gets all warm and gushy all the way down to my eardrum, AND all the water's out before I leave the office. I adore it. It's not worth the horrible going-deaf prelude, but couple that with the sudden rush of hearing?

Eargasm's a good word.

I thought you weren't supposed to put a Q-tip in your ear canal, but putting one in your outer ear is OK.

On the off chance that there are some airlines consumer-satisfaction surveyors cruising Buffistas via ye olde Google tonight, let me say this: Sitting in airports waiting for flights … sucks. People now have access to time fillers from the Internet. You will no longer be able be able to force people to buy outrageously priced beverages at the concourse bar.

Unless the traveler is me, of course.