Kat, Lee had it right. James Marsters is my favorite actor, so except for one pic of Sean Bean, all my wallpapers are of him.

Now that it's over, as much thought about 2004 as I'm probably going to have.

I think, when I look back on my life, 2004 will be a year that I come back to over and over again, with milestones for me in every area.

I have spent this year strattled on the edge of adult-hood, graduating in May, living on my own for the first time in August, moving to a city where all my friends were decidedly adults (as opposed to college "kids"), and starting out on what I though would be my career path.

Turns out not so much, and I spent the last month or so back at home, unemployed, and falling back into less adult roles in a lot of ways. But I think I may finally be onto something that will work for me (Any God that's willing help me if not).

Good or bad? (On a personal level) Some of both. I have more friends and better friends now than I did a year ago, but I have left most of them at some point in my relocations this year (I am so frelling sick of moving). But I will see most or all of them this year, and keep far more in touch with them than I have all but maybe 3 friends up to now, so it's not like anyone's drifting into ether. I got to hold my friends' new baby, I went to the first dance where I actually had fun, I graduated from college, got my picture taken with Elmo, petted penguins, and got to buy a big-ass stuffed panda. So, yeah, a lot of good in there.

Back on my birthday, I though about having a cookie dough party now-ish, as, at about this month, I am as old as Buffy was at the end of the series. I disagree with her metaphor, but I think I get it. I did a lot of things this year that I thought I'd never ever do (and, look! Still alive and enjoyed most of it), and decided some things that I never really thought I'd believe (Scares the living crap out of me, but better to think what I really think rather than what I think I should think. [parse that!]). I am, in a lot of ways, more comfortable with who I am than I was a year ago, and that I am deciding things for myself. But, at the same time, I lack a sense that everything I am comes together into a meaningful whole, which it seems like most of the people I know have.

My hope for 2005 is that, as I go back to school (which I had really hoped to avoid), I'll start to get more of a sense of that. I'd like to finish at least one of the big stories I'm working on. And, if it isn't too much to ask of the Universe, I'd like a proper boyfriend, because several years of complicated and problematic-to-define relationships is really quite enough, thanks. I'm looking forward to seeing people (and having people to see) all over the place, a trip to New Orleans this May, a probable trip to England this summer, and Next Year in Vegas!. There's a lot of holding pattern on the horizon, but a lot of happening, too. I'm very ready to see what's next.

Gus, we're not cracking off from an earthquake and sailing out to sea.

We're seceding.

It's a different vibe, even with the earthquakes.

I can't be retrospective about 2004. That's kind of scary. I don't think I believe it's going to be any difference between 2004 and 2005. There's a crowd of post-grad partyers out in the rain right now, across the street. I know a few of them; they're all out of work, running out of options, not too sure where the next rent cheque is coming from, but by golly they're out there keeping the rest of the neighbourhood awake with raucous shrieks and hoots. It's a tradition, or something.

There's an edge of desperation in the noise. It's spooking me.

I think I just officially turned old. No magic out there anymore.

I dunno as 2004 sticks out in my mind, even only 35 minutes after it ended. I started the year with the Project from Hell and a 3-week trip to Hawaii, which should have been more fun than it was.

But along the way I met some nice and talented new friends on the interbunny, did a lot of writing (some of it even original non-derivative), got a raise, said farewell to a good work mentor/friend, attended two of the best weddings ever, one of which was Buffistas marrying each other. My family is well and employed and growing, I'm healthy and planning to go overseas in 3 weeks.

2005 looks like it could be a good year if I keep my focus and get productive.

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good night.

t hugs the Buffistas, every one

Good morning and Happy New Year, again, for those of you that are awake to see it.

Ya'll, no one does a New Year's shindig like the Scottish. No One.

I've been trying to think about this post for a couple weeks now, putting together my thoughts on the past year. It's gone by in a blur, and one of the things that's been most notable to be has been change: in myself, in my life. I started off the year in Rome, which really opened the world to me in terms of travel and possibilities. I think I came back from that trip with a determination that I absolutely *had* to go abroad again. My desire for travel has always been there, but I think I really realised it this year.

I've seen Steph a lot this year. That's been one of my greatest things in 2004, getting to spend a substantial amount of time with Steph, who is easily one of my favorite people in the world. I'm really lucky to have her nearby, and I'm always grateful for her kindness and seeming happiness to have me around.

I also got way more involved in fandom, as my interests have changed and I've grown up a little. I'm more interested in giving back, in sharing, in participating. I think that's made me more interesting and more adult, in some ways. I'm only beginning to realise the ways fandom has changed my life, in mostly positive ways.

This year I've traveled to Rome, New York, Cincinnati, Seattle, Chicago, Washington DC, Lodnon, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Germany, Italy. Probably more places I can't remember. Most of those involved seeing Buffistas, or people I know in fandom, and really, a girl couldn't have a better circle of friends. I've seen a lot, and all that traveling has only made it more clear to me how much there is left for me to see.

I was pretty lucky in my home life, too, when my sister came to college with me and my real-life friends group solidified into people that I'm happy to be with and are happy to be with me. I have best friends now, which is a radical change from four years ago. There are people I want to call that aren't my parents. It's kind of a self-awakening, to know that people do, in fact, like me.

At the same time, I've come to terms with my father not being, well, a father, and I got into a bitter feud with my mother that resulted in threats and pleadings on her part and my not speaking to her for two months. I've cried more this year than I ever have before, I think, but I feel better about crying. It's January, now, and I'm talking to both my mother and my father, and while I don't know how strong those relationships are, they are at least not falling apart.

I came out to my sister this year. That's one of the hardest things I've ever done. She didn't speak to me for a week, but the crappiness of that week was so worth it when she told me she loved me no matter what. She just wished I'd told her sooner.

I went to Chicago and lived on my own for three months. I'm finally understanding how important that was for me, for my independence and my growing-up. I can do this adult thing, now. I know it. I'm so ready to do it, even though I have to wait a little longer. I met wonderful people, like tommyrot and Brenda M and Kalshane and aurelia who let me be a part of their lives, if only for a little while. I fell in love with a city. I got through a crappy job.

And then I came to Britain, and the effects of this trip on me are pretty fucking amazing. I've seen some of the most beautiful landscape in the entire world. I've lived a dream I had when I was 12. I know what bangers and mash are. I've met some wonderful people, and I've come to understand just what being an American means for my life, and my identity. I've answered more goddamned questions about who I've voted for than I care to remember, and I have spent a great amount of time with both Roz K and Fay, two women I hope I will grow to be like, if I'm lucky. I can get around London, and I can hold my own at Hogsmanay in Scotland.

2004 was a topsy-turvy year--I've done more and seen more than I ever (continued...)

( continues...) imagined I would do when I was sixteen and bitter and using the internet as escapism. I've got people I love and people who love me, people I look forward to seeing and sincerely care about. I have a friend in nearly every place I go to, which is truly a wonderful gift. But at the same time, I've gone through the hardest emotional struggles I've come across yet, and it's been a tough year, socio-economically. My wallet was stolen, I ran out of money, the exchange rate is killing me, and I've learned that it is always better to have a job, even if it's a crap job. In the end, though, it all balances out. And I think I'm a better person than when you guys first met me, almost three (or is it four?) years ago this month. At least I type with capital letters now.

I don't do resolutions; I can't even manage to keep up with a to-do list. But there are two things I'd like to do in 2005: see more of you people, which requires that I travel at least at the same rate I'm doing so now; and get into a relationship, if the opportunity presents itself. I would really like to date somebody, even though the pickings are slim in grand old Berea. Whether these things can be accomplished, I don't know. But I'm going to give it a try.

I've seen Steph a lot this year. That's been one of my greatest things in 2004, getting to spend a substantial amount of time with Steph, who is easily one of my favorite people in the world. I'm really lucky to have her nearby, and I'm always grateful for her kindness and seeming happiness to have me around.

Awww. ::sniffle:: Getting to spend time with you is always a HUGE treat for me, too, one that I look forward to! We would be dangerous if we were in the same city, I tell you.

Ack! I was right in the middle of a big ol' post bout 2004, then I accidentally hit my touchpad in just a way that it hit 'back' on my browser. Now my post is gone.

To recap: 2004- not super for me. People died, my dad screwed some things up very badly, and I felt like I watched the whole year go down from the corner- detatched, numb. So, my first 'resolution' is to be more present in my life, a little more focused.

But there were ok things too. I got a new job (although the verdict isn't in on whether this goes in the 'good' or 'bad' category). I moved out of my parents house. And my 'niece' Laney keeps laughter in my life. And, I met the Buffistas! I got to jump on the Nilly Tour and meet Nilly, DXM, vw, Emily, Matt, Nora, Tom, Jen, Nutty, Theodosia, Jon, Frankenbuddha and...oh dear, I know I'm going to forget someone now. I am sorry in advance. Then, I got to grab coffee with Lee here in Maine, and I'm going to try very hard to save my pennies for either New Years Eve in Vegas, or F2F 2006. The Buffistas have been a very good thing this year.

Happy New Year,everybody!

Whee! I just got a Chrismakkuh card fro JavaCat, along with a coconut and puka shell necklace, in order to tempt me to Hawaii this spring.

I don't think I can make the Hawaii trip, since I already have too many places I want to go to in comparison to my vacation time, but I love the necklace, and it makes me think maybe next year.

2004

the good:

new job for me

new house

Nilly

parents visit out here

meeting our nephew,Hiro

the Bad

the loss of our Bert, the snuggliest cat in the world

Matt's foot problems

Matt's other health issues

Me being sick for a month and a half

we won't talk elections.

I would say the personal was basicly good. the bad things - like the loss of Bert was horrible , but the upside was that so many friends cared about our loss. Matt's foot was a big problem fo r most of the year - but it looks like he should be running in February - which should help with his other health issues. My giant healt annoyance seems to have moved me into naturally taking better care of myself.

My wishes for next year

a better job for Matt- one that gives him a little more time.

for me to actually make it back to school next year

forward motion on house projects

the US to behave in ways that surprise me

and health and prosperity for my friends and family