I like that column.

Need lots of details on the SG flavored Ben Browder hottness, please.

Well, if I were designing his SG-1 uniform, it would have involved a lot more leather. But nonetheless, he's pretty yummy. Somehow, he looks younger than John Crichton did. (Mostly because he doesn't have the weight of experience that Crichton did by the end of S4. Also he has shorter hair.)

This was the first SG-1 ep I'd ever seen, so I fully expect my summary to make no sense. I'll post it sometime today, when I get the time to write it.

Bwah:

Also, Lindelof confirmed that Oceanic Flight 815 "did not crash by accident. It crashed for a very specific reason." (Yeah, to save ABC)

I'm cracking up about the Charlie's line spoiler, but disappointed that the character's name has already been given out and Michelle Rodriguez isn't actually playing herself on the show. I would so love for this show to actually have "The Movie Star" but one who was more likely to beat Jack to a pulp with her right cross than serenade him with "I Want To Be Kissed by You."

Okay, SG-1, S9, Eps 1-2:

(Again, bear in mind that these were my first SG-1 eps ever, so I have no idea what I'm actually talking about in almost.)

Ben Browder is introduced right away, and is front-and-center the whole ep. We learn that his character, Cameron Mitchell (who I could swear was called Lieutenant once or twice, but then he's given command of SG-1, so shouldn't he be a captain?) was a pilot in charge of a troop that helped SG-1 in "The Lost City." His plane went down, and he was in the hospital, possibly in a coma, told he would maybe walk again, etc etc. So we know that he's not a giving-up type of guy.

We also learn right off the bat that he thought he was joining SG-1, not commanding it, and he's really not happy that he has to choose a whole new crew, since Teal'c, Daniel, and Sam have all moved on to other things. So his first task is going around to all of them, inviting them back to SG-1, which they all decline. Daniel is moving onto some other ship, Sam's already on her new ship, and Teal'c is doing something with his local government which I probably would have understood better if I knew anything at all about the show.

Anyhoo, just as he's getting good and depressed at the thought of not working with ANY of the old cast, Claudia Black shows up looking smug (and HAWT), and demands to speak with Daniel. She's stolen a tablet which is some kind of Ancient treasure map, and she needs him to translate it so they can find the treasure and get rich. The treasure is apparently on Earth. She also has a pair of bracelets that she puts on Daniel and herself, linking them together so he can't screw her out of her fair share. (If they're separated for more than a few minutes, they both collapse and eventually die. There's a very funny bit after they discover this where Ben Browder says that they should just go look for the treasure so she can disconnect the bracelets and go home, and adds distastefully "Or else you're gonna have to marry this chick." To which Vala gleefully/sarcastically responds "Yeah, let's make BABIES!" It's very strange watching BB and CB play characters who not only have little or no interest in each other, but don't seem likely to ever have any interest in each other.)

So they go a-translating (and for some reason Teal'c is there too -- he may have come to visit Daniel in the hospital, I'm not sure), and the tablet turns out to lead them to King Arthur's stash under Glastonbury Tor. The Ancient who put it there was apparently Merlin. (It is from about this point on that I started thinking of the ep as "Ben Browder and the Sorcerer's Stone")

So they use the Prometheus to look through Glastonbury Tor, and lo! Thar be tunnels and caves! And they can get in using rings, which pretty much solidifies the "Merlin was an Ancient" theory. They get down there and there's the Sword in the Stone, but nothing else. BB tries to pull it out, and fails. Then a hologram of Merlin appears and tells them that only one pure of spirit can pull the sword out and Win Fabulous Prizes. This is confusing, and so they go searching, Ben with Teal'c, Daniel with Vala. They each end up in a cavern that shuts the door on them the minute they enter, and a puzzle to solve. They both solve it wrong the first time, and the ceiling starts to collapse on them. (End of Ep 1.)

Then they get it right, and the ceiling goes back to normal, and the door reopens.

Back at the Sword, this time Ben can pull it out, but then a holographic knight in armor appears and starts fencing with him. The blows don't actually cut (which is good, because BB'd be dead otherwise), but they do hurt. Teal'c tries to take over, but he can't pick up the sword at all -- it just goes right through him. Eventually we get a flashback to BB in physical therapy after his plane crash, trying to walk, and the therapist is all "that's enough for today" and he's all "No, I CAN DO THIS" So he gets his second wind and cuts the knight in (continued...)

( continues...) half. And...nothing happens. Daniel speculates that since he's the one who pulled the sword out and defeated the knight, maybe the treasure will only appear to him alone. So the three of them go back to the ship, and as soon as they leave, the cavern starts to collapse. BB goes back too and doesn't understand what they did wrong. Turns out Vala stole a gold coin from her puzzle room. BB takes it from her, goes back, puts it where it belongs, and the shaking stops. Also, there is now treasure everywhere. Most of it is standard-issue gold stuff, but there's also what looks kind of like a giant atomizer with a crystal in the top. It's some kind of Ancient technology, so they take it back to Stargate Command. There's also a book with some apparently fascinating history stuff that they didn't know before.

The science guys have no idea what it is, but Daniel theorizes that it might be some kind of communication device, and they also have these two stones that fit into grooves in the device. He takes one, and Vala (pointing out that if it's actually a transport device, and he disappears, they could both die) takes the other one. They put the stones into two grooves, and immediately collapse.

Somewhere in another part of the galaxy, Daniel and Vala have taken over the bodies of two peasant-looking people on what looks like some kind of Ren Faire planet. They have no idea where they are, or why they're in these bodies, or if this is what's supposed to happen, or, well, anything. The bodies they're in are apparently married.

The good news is that when they go outside, they can speak to people, so the stones must be translating for them. The bad news is that the world they're in is under the control of some gods from a species called the Ori. The Ori are very much like the Ancients, except that they make people worship them. For 6 hours straight, every day.

Daniel and Vala then discover that (a) their host bodies have stones hidden under the bed, and (b) they're part of some kind of heretic sect that believes that the Ori have been lying to them about a few things, like the fact that they built the Gates. They've been gathering proof, but have to do it in secret because otherwise they'll be killed by the priests. Vala is supposed to go and "take leaves" with the minister's wife in order to hide the fact that her husband is off being heretical. She tries, but gets caught being a heretic (because she has no idea what she's supposed to do or say) and is immediately burned at the stake.

(She is pronounced dead back on Earth too.) Then, an Ori appears and revives her with a glowy stick thing, and asks her and Daniel to follow him. They do, and the episode ends.

BSG S2 premiere:

Previously, everything in S1.

Adama’s still bleeding on the table, and it is utter chaos all around. People are shouting, Sharon’s being taken into custody, so’s Lee (with his extremely well-toned arms still covered in his father’s blood), the doctor’s on another ship, and oh, by the way, there’s incoming. Tigh (who is in the middle of some flashbacks to meeting Adama with some very bad wigs) makes the decision to jump to emergency coordinates, they’ll just have to get the doctor on the other side of the jump, and come back for the stranded team on Kobol later.

So they jump. And…nothing. The fleet is nowhere. They are alone.

On Kobol, Gaius and Six are still staring at the crib, looking down on their beautiful little hallucination baby. Six insists that she is their daughter, and that she will be real, and asks Gaius if he’d like to hold her. She’s a little insulted when Gaius tries to point out the physical impossibilities of their having a real child, so he stops trying.

Kali (Kelly? Cali? The short girl engineer) finds Gaius mumbling “Am I the father?” to himself, half-asleep on the steps of the ruined temple. They’re moving out, and she’d like him to carry something this time, if he wouldn’t mind. The injured guy is still doing really badly, so they’re going slow. Then, shots are fired, and they have to run. There’s no time to double-check the supplies. Which kind of sucks, because as soon as they find a safe spot to sit down and check on InjuredGuy again, they realize that they’ve forgotten the second medkit, and they kind of need it NOW.

The engineering trio is sent back to retrieve it, and are attacked on the way back. One dies in Tyrol’s arms.

On Caprica, the Six that Starbuck killed is lying on the museum floor. Caprica!Sharon comments dryly that her consciousness is being uploaded into a new body, which will then tell the other Cylons their position, so they should move out. Starbuck isn’t really in the mood to listen to advice from a Cylon right now, and she puts her gun to Sharon’s head. Helo stops her, insisting loudly that she’s carrying his child. Starbuck understands, she really does, she and Helo go way back, and she remembers how he felt about Sharon back then, but this is not Sharon. Sharon disagrees, which gets her more of Starbuck’s gun in her face. Helo steps between them again, and holds Starbuck off, trying to tell her that Sharon’s “not like the others.” This is a really, really well-played scene, right through to the end where Starbuck realizes that while they’ve been arguing, Sharon’s been stealing the Raider she came in. They are now well and truly stranded.

On Galactica, the source of the error has been discovered – every hour, the emergency coordinates are updated, and then broadcast to the other ships. This time, in the confusion, Galactica’s coordinates were updated, but the fleet’s were not. The only way to find the ships is to jump back to where they came from and recalculate from there. (It is at this point in the ep that the handwaving should start.) The calculations will take 12 hours. Since they know that there’s a Cylon fleet waiting for them, this is really not an option. (Meanwhile, in prison, Roslin is insisting that they must go back, because otherwise Starbuck won’t be able to bring them the Arrow of Apollo.)

Gaeta comes up with a slightly new plan, whereby they jump back to Kobol, network all the ship’s computers with some phlebotonum and the calculations will only take 10 minutes. He can build a firewall to keep the Cylons out that long. The other guy whose name I can never remember disagrees vehemently with this plan, not because it’s full of meaningless technobabble that falls apart if you listen too closely, but because it’s something Adama would never do. No networked computers on his ship, ever, period. But Gaeta insists that it WILL work, and that it’s their only chance. Tigh flashes back some more (in the flashbacks, we are gradually learning that back in the Bad Wig (continued...)

( continues...) Days, he and Adama were both kicked out of the service for something, and that Adama got him reinstated.)

At some point in all this Tigh also went down to the medical bay and told the medic on duty that the doctor wasn’t going to be able to get on board for a while, so she would have to operate. He also went to Sharon’s cell and interrogated her a little, but she just wants to die now, so he didn’t get much.

So they network the computers, build a snazzy GUI for the firewalls (as they always do on television), and jump. They Cylons are there waiting for them, and the Vipers head out to defend the ship. It’s very rough, especially without Starbuck. The ship’s computers calculate, and the Cylons hack through the firewalls. (“CYLON VIRUS DETECTED” says a helpful little popup.)

There’s one Cylon ship that the Vipers have never seen before, but it’s headed straight for Galactica, so they converge. They can’t shoot it down before it crashes right through Galactica’s hull. Luckily, there seems to be very little damage – no explosion, no fire.

The calculations are completed with seconds to spare, and they yank out the network cables and jump. The fleet is there. Thank the Gods.

Outside Galactica, there’s a big hole in the hull where the Cylon ship crashed through. The Cylon ship is there. It is completely black inside. Completely black.. except when we get close enough to see hundreds of tiny red lights, softly blinking back and forth...

ooh. that sounds good.

I have descriptions for the first 6 eps (of each, and Atlantis), at home, so I can spoil more later.

The one major thing I do remember is the details regarding Starbuck's pregnancy. She and Helo find some other human survivors on Caprica (who survived the nukes because they were working in the mountains -- some kind of research team, I think) and they start living with them for a while. In ep 5 or 6, Starbuck gets sick (or injured, I forget which) and is operated on by Simon, the team's doctor. Simon also tries to convince her that she'd be more useful to humanity making babies than piloting ships. (Her answer was not included in the description, but I think it's safe to assume that she told him to go frack himself.) Simon, unsurprisingly to the audience, turns out to be a Cylon, and things start to go badly.

The press kit doesn't explicitly say that Simon impregnates her while he's operating, but that seems to be the way they're going. Which handily gets them out of the abortion question, since when the only doctor on the planet is a Cylon who wants her pregnant, she probably doesn't have the option.