OK, I sent a message on LinkedIn but I am not sure he will recognize my name there

Hello all. Sorry to disappear. Things change quickly around here, and with all the interruptions and my exhaustion, this will probably take all day to post in pieces. But I have a quiet moment, so I'm going to start!

Jesse, thanks for thinking of me. I'm sorry you are being re-orged away from your awesome boss. I hope the transition isn't too bad.

Sophia, I will take any color chemo cap you are willing to make! I'm just so glad you are willing to make me one! Thank you so much. I agree that texture is more important than color. I'm glad the inspection and cleaning stuff has gone so well so far for you and that this can feel like a fresh start.

I am worried about Gud, too. I hope he's okay. Gud, if you are reading this, please, please get help. We all love you, and think you are worthy of that love. Depression lies. Please take advantage of at least one of the resources made available by the Buffistas above, or by your employer, for your sake, or for your kids' sakes. I was going to launch into a long story about how going into law school saved my brother's life years ago, because he took advantage of the law school's free psychiatric care and realized that he was in an abusive marriage, and he needed to get himself and his two small kids out, and he started the steps to get a divorce and get sole custody of those kids while he was ending his career as a dentist because of chronic back pain, and was a full-time law student—not easy. But it turned out to have been the right thing to do, and now my niece is a happy and healthy 37-year old with a son who is turning two today, and my nephew is happy and healthy and so is my brother, who came from Chicago the first weekend I was here, and was a huge support to me for the first time in my life.

I know every situation is different, but the point is this: we had no idea in our family that he was in an abusive marriage for thirteen years, and he thought he was trapped and that it was his duty to save his wife and protect his kids from her until he got therapy. You need someone to talk to, to help clarify your thoughts and make you realize that you're not worthless, full stop. The rest is figuring out solutions for everyone. Because feeling the way you do is not acceptable.

(I guess I did launch into the long story.)

Zen, I support doing whatever you wanna do at whatever age! Because all the shit that happened to you is not fair, just as all the shit that happened to me is not fair, and you should go for it. Let me be the poster child for not wasting any fucking time. Wallow in your shit and finally forgive yourself for your past mistakes at 48? WELP. Anywsy, Zen if you ever want to chat, text, talk and be sad, angry, numb, whatever, I am here for it. Let me know.

Steph, I followed the story of your brother's relapse in both threads, and I totally get your anxiety at being far away and helpless, and your anger at both him and your dad. I'm glad it turned out okay, and that you have such an awesome therapist. I totally support you taking a break from taking care of others.

I keep hearing that line from the therapist Good Omens fic about "wheels upon wheels of suffering" as I get closer and closer to admitting to myself that I have a very serious cancer, with a long road ahead. I know shit about Buddhism, but my brother's third wife sent me a bracelet of prayer beads (I have trouble calling her my sister-in-law, because we've only met once for five minutes) and she is a practicing Buddhist, and I wear them every day. I need to find a way to get closer to acceptance of this monster of in the back of my head, because it's getting realer, and closer to the front. The closest FaceTime appointment I could get with my therapist is 11/26. I don't think it's soon enough. Maybe look into a secular chaplain of some sort? Is that a thing? I have a social worker assigned to my case, and she's been great, mostly working with Terry on the business/bureaucracy minutiae of my life, and Terry is so stressed, I'm trying to get (continued...)

( continues...) him a therapist down here.

And thank you so much, Tom for checking in with me! It means a lot. And thank you for updating the Buffistas for me.

And thank you, Nanita, for everything.

Anyway, cancer update in a second post.

Amyth!! Yay!! So good to see you!!

So much love to you, amyth. Do you have an address we can send cards or books or things to?

It's in my profile! Thanks JZ!

amyth, I've been thinking of you.

I haven't been able to watch the hearings. I was listening to them on NPR for a couple of minutes, but then I had to turn it off because of the rage. Watching cartoons with ltc now.

Zen, do it! Do whatever makes you happy. You deserve it.

amyth, I'm so glad to get an update from you! You've been on my mind a lot, and I'm hoping/planning to put together a care package soon. Are there any foods/treats that would be especially good to send (or avoid)? Do you have a way to make tea or coffee? I don't know what your setup is like or what the meds are doing to your stomach, but I'd love to send you something useful.

amyth, so good to hear from you! Thank you for the encouragement and wise words.

Thank you so much, Kate! My status changes from day to day, and everyone has been so generous. I struggle with coming up with physical things I need. I can't have live plants or fruits or vegetables (risk of fungal infection). Other than that, my appetite has been slowly diminishing, but I can make tea, and it's nice to have because I'm always cold. Thankfully, no nausea yet. Tea bags are probably better for convenience.

Things that are probably most useful are things like Amazon gift cards because I never know what I'm going to need next, like when I lose my hair in the next week or so. I just had an eye mask delivered to myself and it was a godsend, because my room never truly gets dark, but I wouldn't have thought of that two days ago. I have been gifted things like an Audible subscription and an NYT crossword subscription which have been amazing, and I never would have thought of those. But I'm avoiding the news right now.

Things like really simple games or sending me Spotify playlists would be awesome!! Or just cards!! (ETA: and by cards, I just mean handwritten notes, not playing cards. I already have an epic game of Canasta going on with Terry that baffles/amuses the nurses that involves multiple decks of cards that we learned from his 89-year-old dad. Just hearing from people in any way—email, snail mail, anything—is so nice!)

If you or anyone wants to be added to the WhatsApp group with group updates about what's going on with me (and daily affirmations from my niece) just say so in thread or email my profile addy and I'll add you!