Dammit, dammit, dammit. I don't have words to say what I'm feeling. Just...sad I guess. I wasn't close to Connie, but I always loved her utter lack of caring what "people" thought. Parker, so sorry for your loss, and for anyone else who was close to her. Java Cat, thank you for going to look and letting us know.

Just saw the news about Connie.

Then I went back through her FB page and her post on October 2 has me literally queasy. And crying harder.

When I was a kid and had an ache of some sort, it wasn't the thing to take anything for it unless it was big, which it rarely was. "It'll go away after a while, tell me if it doesn't." Colds were treated with tea and curling up on the couch. So toughing through the pain until it went away has been the norm for most of my life. Tonight my lungs were aching, the bronchial tubes hurt, a new cold is giving me sinus pressure, and I just wanted to cry. It didn't occur to me for a couple of hours that I have decongestants and otc painkillers, and I'm fucking allowed to do things to make me not hurt. I don't hurt right now, but I still feel like I failed somehow.

Oh, and my appointment with the pulmonologist is next week. I've been waiting for it for three months

Hey... maybe three months is too fucking long.

I'm no expert on this obviously... but my cardiologist and my pulmonologist are in contact about my various treatments and I assume there's good reason for that. Dear God what if she'd had that appointment right away?

I'm mostly angry and not fully accepting it as real.

Yes, this.

My brain edited out that she did have her pulmonologist appt., and glommed onto the three month wait. IIRC, she didn't post after about what the doctor said. I regret not asking.

Damn, I thought the pulmonologist appointment was earlier. That sucks.

I don't think she even made it to the appointment.

Well, fuck.

I'm wondering if she even got to enjoy the Clint Barton action figure she ordered from Target.

I'm wondering if she even got to enjoy the Clint Barton action figure she ordered from Target.

Fuck, that makes me cry.

It's so unfair.

Thank you, Connie, wherever you are. (One of the Connies! didn't we have a joke about that?)

You will be missed.

That is making me sick, too. I didn't talk to her offline, but I don't talk to anyone offline. She had the sort of hardscrabble upbringing I can relate to and I really just loved her trips to Vegas and her small happiness of life on her own, which was inspiring.

I haven't done much today, just curled up on my couch. I tried to put together my new bed, but it has defeated me, Maria is coming over tomorrow to help. Aidan will be by Sunday to take out the recycling, and my landlord will come by Monday. I am happy with this, but sad about Connie. We always had three Connies (Neil, Hirsch, and Suela) and now only two.

I was actually very encouraged reading her wall to see that Connie had been a regular with a D&D group over the last couple years. She added a lot to their play and they all loved her, and she looked after them.

Also, the last link I posted to her wall? It was something she herself had posted earlier in the month. So, I know she liked it even if she didn't see the one I sent.