Thanks again. I am much less agitated than I was earlier this week, but still.

I finished the worst of the kitchen last night, but the floor is truly terrible.

I can't really do too much more bagging until some of the bags are removed. I think I might have to bite the bullet and take more than just one out a day! I was hoping to pay people, but I am not sure I can wait for the estimate and scheduling.

I am semi good at this panic stuff, but I am hoping the therapy will help me with more day to day function and motivation, as that is what caused this. I also seem to have this weird phobia/aversion to my downstairs neighbors seeing me take out the garbage or laundry, so it builds up. I don't know why- not a problem when I lived with people- they just took it out.

It does help to post to you guys what I am getting done- that gave me the motivation to finish the kitchen last night.

I still haven't told my mom, but I may have too if I need money or a place to stay. This is her worst nightmare. She used to yell at me as a kid for making things in my bedroom look like a flop house. Every summer I was sent away for a week while they hoed out my bedroom mess. She also does the same thing as I do, spiraling off into worst case scenarios which I am already doing- like me living in the costume shop and losing my job. And asks me if i am worried about it!

Therapy should absolutely give you tools to help with day to day function. You are dealing with this now and talking about it, and that is huge. Yes, we are here to help financially, and would physically if that were an option. As far as talking to your mom about it, only if it helps you! If it would result in added stress then don't.

A bit melancholy here. Mom gone 3 years yesterday and Steve gone 32 years today. I never remembered the dates until I looked up Steve's when I realized it might have been the same day Mom died. I wouldn't have remembered the date this year if not for Step-dad talking to me about it. Of course I think of them all days, but try and do my big internal memorializing on their birthdays. I don't need or want to remember their deaths.

Step-dad is still in rehab. I went to his house to get him some t-shirts from his dresser for him. In opening the drawers I found a paper plate with 2 cinnamon buns on it, like he put it there while doing something else and forgot them. Rock hard, but that could be from a week or months. He was having difficulty finding words several times when I visited him too. Trying to think of how to let his sons know they need to come see him themselves.

they were very reassuring that they have seen everything.

I'm sure they have. They wouldn't be in that business if they were judgy.

I've been in that business and I promise you, they aren't judging. They're there to help, and they have indeed seen worse.

I'm nowhere especially near where you are, but if checking in with you, or remote cheerleading for each space you clear or each thing you toss, or Venmo-ing a little something your way to help with the cleaning service would help you get through this, I'm sure I'm not the only one who would help however I can.

I would be glad to help too!

I also seem to have this weird phobia/aversion to my downstairs neighbors seeing me take out the garbage or laundry,

Not just you, I used to have a weird phobia about people seeing me leaving my apartment. I would take out garbage or go do laundry late at night so people were less likely to see me. It wasn't fear of being attacked, it was just fear of being watched. It went away when I moved here.

Laura, I'm sorry for the melancholy. Some dates are just hard. My mom's birthday was a couple days ago. My sister still calls to remind me.

I will write this g-d cover letter today if it kills me.

Good luck, Sophia. I'll add only that there are a lot of support groups out there. The virtue of a support group is that everyone has Been There. It's the kind of place where you can say that your mental health has been so bad at times that you've spent a week in the psych unit at a local hospital, and everybody will start talking about which hospital has the best psych unit.

I will write this g-d cover letter today if it kills me.

You got this, writer! I'm confident you have a pool of excellent proof readers here too.

I also have a "people might see me" aversion. Complete strangers I don't care about, but neighbors, yup. I find myself putting off running errands until after dark sometimes. Totally irrational, no idea where it comes from but it reminds me of, shoot, was it a Ray Bradbury story? Widow of an astronaut who fell into the sun or something.

Anyway, knowing that telling your mother would lead her to adding to your stress makes me think that postponing telling her for a bit is ok. Can you have a friend with you when you tell her to give you support?

I usually told my mom stuff like this after it was over. Otherwise she would stress herself out, and also she would try to help in totally unhelpful ways that often made more work for me and got in the way of me taking care of business. I'd have to spend emotional energy I couldn't spare trying to manage her fears.

The cover letter is written, the resume is tweaked, and both are sent to the company in question, who may not even be hiring anymore, because it turns out that position was first advertised in September. Oh well. I suspect that they will be hiring again sometime anyway, and now I'm following them on social media so I'll find out in time to throw another resume at them.

To be honest I don't want to find another job just yet. I'm so totally burned out on the whole corporate environment. I need to rest and recalibrate and maybe I'll end up doing something totally different. I've got six months of COBRA and six months' worth of money, and while of course I have to keep applying for jobs, both for my mental health and also to keep my unemployment checks* coming, I could really use a few months of breathing room.

\*I refuse to feel bad about living off unemployment for a while. I paid my share into unemployment for 40 years.

I feel awkward about leaving my apartment if I've just heard a neighbor open and close their door, because I don't want to seem like the Louis Tully sort who lies in wait to spring out and ambush people whenever they walk by. I usually give it a ten count to miss them. No aversion to bumping into people as I come home, though.

Did I say anything here about my next door neighbor and I peeking into the apartment across the hall that our landlord converted into an AirBnB? He knew the place was supposed to be empty and suggested taking a look, then when we were wandering around the apartment being nosey we realized the light was on in the bedroom and someone's purse was on the bed. We scrambled around the place like Lucy and Ethel making sure we set all the lights and doors the way we found them before running out. After we got to his apartment I pointed out we hadn't gotten around to looking in the bathroom, and there might have been a terrified guest hiding in there listening to us and thinking she was going to be robbed or worse!

Resting for a while makes total sense, Zen! You should not feel bad about living off of unemployment, that's what it is for.

That is funny and also kind of scary, Matt. Was it just unlocked?